I will try to make this as short as possible. I have known my best friend for nearly five years now. We started out dating but at the time I wasn’t sexually attracted to him (mostly due to being stuck on a piece of crap ex) and we ended it within the first about 6 months. I purposely wanted him to break up with me so I could go back to my ex at the time. I messed up trust me I know now, I was young and dumb. He was COMPLETELY head over heels in love with me (not as madly as his first love but second best). And he continued to be which is probably what kept our relationship going along for all the first three to four years. We kept having on and off intercourse during that time, moving to a different state, living together and never being together again because I kept being indecisive and telling him I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. Really honestly during that time I was pretty young, early 20s, I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was partying and meeting guys left and right and deep down inside thinking I would find someone who I had crazy chemistry with and just leaving my best friend in the friend zone, thinking he’d always be there. Out of selfishness, I even convinced him that relationships weren’t worth it until he finally agreed. Well… things changed within the last year. I was in an abusive relationship and the one person who was there to rescue me when I needed to get out of it was my best friend. After that I’m not sure what snapped but I realized what I had been missing and that NO perfect man exists in this world but that the closest to it had been holding my hand through everything for the last four years. So fast forward today, I’m completely in love with my best friend now. I’ve never been in love before so this is extremely different for me. I’ve always been one to pride myself in not being a vulnerable person, which is really just a coverup for my insecurities and dad abandonment issues. Anyway, yesterday I decided to have a conversation with him. We’ve had a lot of these lately for like the past two months because I can’t get out of my own head. He’s been talking to this girl every day who he claims is just a friend that he’s not even attracted to and I’ve been openly jealous about it. Well, that’s not the main issue though but just a suspicion of mine as to what’s going on but he told me he needs me to trust him when he says there’s nothing there. Anyway, let me explain our living situation. We live together right now because financially I have no way out. Yes, we still have sex and yes we sleep in the same bed which is probably what leads to that. It’s been unhealthy for me because I’m constantly obsessing like I want to know what he’s texting her and stuff. I think what made me most jealous is that I know he shared one of his deepest stories with her, something he’s only told one other person besides me and a counselor and that other person was the first girl he was in love with so that automatically set off alarm bells for me because I know him opening up like that usually leads to a deep connection on his part. I fear he might be falling for her but is scared to admit it to himself. But aside from that, last night I decided to ask him about us and he finally admitted that he “still likes me a lot and loves me but that he doesn’t think he’s in love with me anymore”, he said that he thinks he just got tired of waiting. I told him I didn’t think lost love could be recovered and he reminded me of how he was able to fall back in love with his first ex and that I’m the only person he can see himself being long term with and that if he ever married or had kids it would be with me but that right now he’s just not ready for that and that maybe someday we can meet down the middle again but that he just wants me to be happy even if that isn’t with him. He also said that he is aware that if he had a girlfriend we couldn’t do what we’re doing, that it’s me as his best friend or a girl friend and that it isn’t even a question in his mind that he prefers our friendship so he’s just not doing relationships period. He says I’m still his favorite person in the world and no one can ever replace me. It’s HORRIBLE feeling like I’m keeping him from love (he reassured me it’s his decision but I still feel like crap). I’m scared he feels obligated to take care of me and I feel like my heart is slowly being ripped out of my chest every day. I know I messed up really bad and trust me it’s the biggest regret of my life and I have no excuse but to say I was an idiot who didn’t know what love was until maybe now that it’s too late. Now I am 110% in love with him and sexually attracted to him and I want to settle down and marry him and I think about what a great father he would be and I’m really afraid that all won’t be with me. We’ve had so many ups and downs together and we both can’t see our lives without one another but now he also can’t see us together. I feel like lately I’ve been very negative and this other girl makes him cheer up or provides the positivity I haven’t lately. I don’t know how to stop thinking about everything or what to do, I don’t want to lose him but he no longer seems scared to lose me romantically. Actually, lately he doesn’t seem to care much about my emotions at all and if he does it feels like pity. I’m a mess because I want so badly to be with him and now the roles have reversed. Is it too late? Is there anything I can do to fix it? If not, what the hell can I do to cope while living with him so I don’t make it harder on him? I’ve been crying my eyes out so much, I’m so tangled in emotions and confused and angry that I finally love him back and he’s over it but still ok with us doing stuff and just the other day saying maybe he should make me his girlfriend?? Am I the one ruining everything still? And what with the new “friend”, do I just step aside?