(Changed name due to misunderstanding the profile settings)

I hear what you are saying. Right now I’m feeling that my sense of loving her has taken a hit due to the extended period of time during which I’ve felt that I’ve had to hide this from her, and I can’t be sure of what I’m feeling. I have been feeling anxiety when looking at her time and time again due to guilt over that I’m not attracted to her, and faking smiles and lying when saying what I’m thinking about has taken its toll. I’m scared that she won’t look the way that I crave her to look if she gets better, and every time I type out how I feel about the way she looks I feel terrible for sounding so shallow. On some level I feel like I need a guarantee that it’ll be worth my while (that she’ll look a certain way when she has recovered) if I am to stay with her.

All of these thoughts make me feel like I am a bad, shallow person who never should have dated her in the first place. Although I know that I have been sticking with her due to her warmth and intellect and that there is nothing awful about that, wanting to change her to fit my idea of beauty seems like it just might be.