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Physical attraction to someone with anorexia nervosa

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  • #142435
    smutsik
    Participant

    Hi.

    I have a question about attraction, and how it relates to being involved with someone with an eating disorder. My girlfriend had anorexia nervosa some years ago, and she has been thin since then. A little more than a year ago, we started seeing each other. She was ridicculously intelligent and warm and she made an impression on me immediately. She was much thinner than any other woman I’d ever been with though, and even though she seemed to be functional I associated her telling me that she had had an eating disorder with the way she looked, even though her weight probably wasn’t in the zone of danger or urgent concern. I wasn’t fully attracted to her physically due to her thinness, but I kept wanting to see her because of how good our personalities matched. I started thinking that I had to hide the fact that I wasn’t always that keen on her body in order to not affect her image of herself, her having recovered and all. I later on felt that the relationship wouldn’t work out due to me not being attracted to her, and we stopped seeing each other.

    Some months later we met at a party and she invited me to come home with her. We started seeing each other again, and I thought that I’d just try to live in the present and enjoy being with her personality. However, during the months that we didn’t see each other she lost considerable amounts of weight. We spoke about this the other day, and I brought up that I, aswell as a couple of others were worried about her. She seemed to realize that she had been visiting places she shouldn’t mentally when she was in a rut after we broke up, and agreed that we’d work together to make a change.
    Recently though, I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety due to hiding my lack of physical attraction to her and since we are very intimate in our discussions I’ve been having to act pretty strangely and sometimes lie in order to not tell her that I’ve been doubting my love for her due to the physical attraction seeming to be absent (we still have sex very regularly because I’m attracted to her personality). I feel like this is impacting the way I feel for her heavily, and now that I’ve admitted to myself that I feel this way I don’t feel as strongly for her anymore.  This could be a manifestation of the anxiety, but I’m not sure.

    The question I want to ask you is how you think about the concept of physical attraction to someone with an eating disorder. I can only assume that if one of you have been in this situation that you feel like you’re not with the same person (both physically and mentally, but in this case mainly physically) as they were before getting diagnosed, and even though this concern might seem petty in the context of the person’s illness I feel that physical intimacy, and the pleasure one gets from it, is important in a relationship. I am in love with her personality but I feel like she has to change physically to be up to my standards of what I want out of a relationship, which in itself seems to be a strange thing to feel for someone involved with a person with an eating disorder. I am thinking that I shouldn’t be with her if I feel like this and that I am a bad person for both thinking it and for staying with her when I know how I feel. I currently don’t feel happy in this relationship.

    Please, give me your two cents and help me tackle this dilemma.

    #142441
    tiny lantern
    Participant

    Dear Niklas,

    It sounds like you are a genuine and kind person. Not being physically attracted to someone who is ill sounds normal to me. It’s evolution … we mate with the healthy ones. So I guess from an “animal” perspective you should leave her. However, as I see it a human being is more complex. Even though animals show can show kindness and love and patience, they cannot measure up to human beings showing these higher nature qualities. And I am only talking about those sweet souls who shine, not those humans who behave worse than animals. What I am trying to say is that with your higher nature you recognize qualities of her higher nature, so there is a spiritual connection. I believe this is very special. People can recover from illness. With your support she might too. Maybe she is starving for love and nurturing, most people do. These are just some thoughts. I know there are people out there who say you can’t be in a relationship with someone you are not sexually attracted to – but maybe those who say that haven’t recognized the amazing and heroic deeds of friends, couples or even strangers who decided to stick together during the hard times. There is more glue to life than what is physical. It’s love.

    #142443
    smutsik
    Participant

    (Changed name due to misunderstanding the profile settings)

    I hear what you are saying. Right now I’m feeling that my sense of loving her has taken a hit due to the extended period of time during which I’ve felt that I’ve had to hide this from her, and I can’t be sure of what I’m feeling. I have been feeling anxiety when looking at her time and time again due to guilt over that I’m not attracted to her, and faking smiles and lying when saying what I’m thinking about has taken its toll. I’m scared that she won’t look the way that I crave her to look if she gets better, and every time I type out how I feel about the way she looks I feel terrible for sounding so shallow. On some level I feel like I need a guarantee that it’ll be worth my while (that she’ll look a certain way when she has recovered) if I am to stay with her.

    All of these thoughts make me feel like I am a bad, shallow person who never should have dated her in the first place. Although I know that I have been sticking with her due to her warmth and intellect and that there is nothing awful about that, wanting to change her to fit my idea of beauty seems like it just might be.

    #142497
    tiny lantern
    Participant

    Dear Smutsik,

    I think people will give you different advice. Some will say stay, others will say leave. I find looks important too. However at the end of the day your loved one will always lose their looks. It’s life. People get old, people get sick. If you have found someone with such a wonderful personality that you loved her despite her illness, that’s a rare find. Any chance you can help her in her recovery process?

    #142509
    smutsik
    Participant

    You are right. However, I’m young and I feel cheated of being satisfied with the aesthetics of my lover when I should be at the peak of my looks and being with people who are as beautiful as they will ever be. I often feel like staying with this person is the right and mature decision as I know that she wants what is best for me, accepts me as I am and wants to know me on a deep level, to a degree that nobody I’ve met before has. I feel like I could just give up my struggles about beauty, lay off my superficial idea of what love should be, accept what will be coming to me eventually anyway and just stay with this person because I know that she is great. However I don’t know if I feel like I’m ready to give up being shallow just yet. It’s like I know I’ll stop caring so much about my own looks and what others think of me later on but right now I enjoy catering to those needs. Do you know what I mean?
    I will most definetly be able to provide her with support in getting her a therapist and if we were to stay together I feel like I’d be great at supporting her. I just have to want to thoroughly.

    #142513
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi smutsik,

    I think you’re damaging her energetically by sleeping with her while pretending to be into her. And I do believe in preferences. For example, my husband wants a used car. He’s not asking for much. He’s asking for a low mileage car that’s dark on the inside, dark on the outside and with nothing weird about it. So this weekend these dealers were trying to sell him a white car that runs on diesel. So then DH was saying that he could maybe live with this car for five years. I’m all why would you pay thousands of dollars for a car you kind of like, that you want to like? You should only buy things you absolutely love. So the search continues!

    With you, YES, you love her on a spiritual level. But on the primal level something is lacking. If you break up with her, will she get worse? Yes, maybe, but dear one, she had these deep underlying issues well before she met you. You cannot be or feel responsible for all of her well being. She has to take profound ownership in her own wellness.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Inky.
    #142517
    smutsik
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    I’ve had those very thoughts myself, but it all gets confusing when I think of that this might change. What if I’m more attracted to her once she has gained weight? The thing that makes all of this so confusing is that whatever it is that is lacking might come to me later if she gains weight.

    Also, I love the tone of your messages and the over all sense of calm, insight and warmth that is present in these forums. I’ve read multiple threads on here before creating my account and I really like it here. Thank you both for trying to help me out.

    #142505
    Sarah
    Participant

    If what you seek is happiness, someone who loves you, and someone who is forgiving of how you physically change over time, seeking a relationship based only on physical attraction to your partner is not the way. It seems that perhaps you need to re-evaluate what your true priorities are, and make a decision based on that conclusion.

    The mind and body are always at odds, but one tells the truth, and the other one lies. Your physical urges tell you that the most important beauty a person has is what you see visually, and that in order for you to be happy, you must be visually attracted to your partner. But if we think about this, looks are not permanent, and they are ever changing. There are many things that can be done to change the physical world and physical body. We can change our clothes, we can change our hair, we can change our weight, and with modern cosmetic procedures we can even change each individual feature on our body.

    But I ask you, do looks make you laugh? Do they make you smile? Do they love you for who you are? When you are alone, do they fill the emptiness? When you are sad, do they understand your innermost feelings, listen to them, and comfort you? what good do any of those temperal things do when your skin is wrinkled and your hair grey?

    You may see a mirage in the desert, but if foolishly you decide to follow your eyes, you will perish in the hot sun, never having been able to find life sustaining water.

    Physical beauty cannot be true beauty, because it is simply a mirage that fades away. True beauty is looking into the soul of someone who wants nothing but the best for you. Its the comfort of knowing that no matter how this physical world changes over time, and how you physically change over time, that someone sees the real you, and believes you deserve happiness. It is warm heartedness and forgiveness.

    If you choose to follow only your eyes, you certainly will end up dissatisfied, because even when the senses are elated, the mind and soul will continue to hunger for something deeper.

    Just food for thought.

    #142535
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi again!

    Thank you for your kind words!

    So I remember being younger and feeling guilty because I liked someone who was gorgeous. LOL

    And then later one of my very best/oldest friends started liking me in a romantic way. Now, I’m a bit overweight, I’m not going to lie, but he’s obese. I’m not repelled or disgusted by him or anything. And I was with someone else, so it was easier to say “No”. But let’s put it this way: If he was more attractive (to me!) I would have to contend with the temptation they warn you of in the Bible. Or I would have had spontaneous fantasies of him rather than “Oh, this person likes me? Hmm, let me think about this. How would being with him feel, hmm, let me just put my imagination cap on…”

    I mean what can I say, you can be evolved and all that, but preferences are real!

    And let me ask you this: Is it really good morally to live a lie? You are not married and if you were truly in love with her you wouldn’t be asking this at all, except maybe only “I am worried about this girl”. This isn’t fair to you OR the girl, even on a higher level.

    I wouldn’t want my college boyfriend to have stayed with me out of guilt or because he felt sorry for me or because he felt I might fall apart without him. I’d want someone who is with me because they are crazy about me, not because they like me and all but they really prefer, say, athletic blondes.

    Just my opine!

    Inky

    #142541
    smutsik
    Participant

    Sarah,

    I think you have a point in much of what you are saying, and the analogy with a mirage in the desert makes a good argument for not getting lost when thinking about what’s important in a relationship. I will say though that I don’t know if I think the argument about that looks eventually fade anyway is that strong. I live now and I enjoy my partner today and I don’t even know if the both of us will live until we’re old and wrinkly. Having an idea about what I’m settling for for life when I’m picking a partner now makes the decision overwhelming and I’m not sure if I believe that such a partner exists – one that will cater to what I want now, tomorrow and 50 years from now. However, the argument that one should value the connection that one has with someone very highly is a solid one. I’ve often felt (specifically in the beginning) that interacting with this person is different from every other interaction I’ve had with others since she understands me so well. I’m 23 and I haven’t felt that others understand me well very often. I might be focusing on the wrong thing.

    Inky,

    You are right about that forcing my way into something is probably a bad idea, but I disagree with the notion that one can’t be in love or genuinely want to be in a relationship with someone if they’re having doubts. Everyone has doubts and needs to be reassured of that what they’re doing is alright, and feeling the need to express something that feels off doesn’t necessarily mean that the love for the person one is involved with isn’t real. If true love is wholeheartedly loving every single aspect of another person, every second of every day, I don’t believe that true love exists, at least for most of us.

    I’m not contemplating on staying with my girlfriend because I feel sorry for her, I am because I genuinely adore her personality. We connect on a deep level and she has contributed a lot to my growing as a person. I also find her personality sexy. I see your point though, that if I am questioning our relationship to this extent, something must be so very wrong about the relationship that I should walk away from it. I respect that opinion and I’ve voiced it myself. That said, I doubt that there are a lot of people out there, aesthetic blondes or not, with whom I will connect on this level. I appreciate your interest and advice and I don’t mean to sound like I don’t.

     

    #142551
    Inky
    Participant

    I didn’t mean to play devil’s advocate and I didn’t mean to belittle your feelings, and I do apologize for giving that impression! I will give my blessing on either decision you make!

    #142569
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear smutsik:

    I was diagnosed with anorexia and although I am of normal weight (on the thin side, I haven’t weighed myself for over two years out of fear of a number that will be too high). Since all anorexics share certain traits which qualify us for the diagnosis, we are not all the same person, of course. Still,  you may find the following helpful. In the following I will speak in the first person, as if I was your girlfriend: The worst thing you can tell me is that I gained weight. Please, don’t ever tell me I gained weight, that will terrify me. Don’t tell me I gained weight in any context, no matter how positively you mean it. For example, don’t tell me: “You look so good. You gained some weight! That fits you very well!” Or “I am so attracted to you, you must have gained some weight in all the right places!”

    The last sentence: “I am so attracted to you, you must have gained some weight..” All I hear is “gained weight”- the beginning of the sentence “I am so attracted to you” disappear with the horror of the end of the sentence.

    It is all right, smutsik, if you tell me that you are not attracted to me physically, as long as you don’t tell me I gained weight or anything that sounds like I gained weight.”

    I am thinking, your focus is to not offend her by sharing with her that you lack physical attraction toward her while all along it may not be a problem for her to hear, because her focus is not on being attractive but on being thin. An anorexic wants to be thin not for the purpose of being attractive, that is not the goal.

    So consider sharing with her, being authentic about your feelings, just as you shared it here. As long as you don’t tell her she gained weight, I think she may very well be okay hearing your true feelings. Try it, gently, and test it for yourself.

    anita

     

     

    #142617
    smutsik
    Participant

    Inky,

    No problem at all. I appreciate your advice.

    anita,

    It feels weird laying that on someone who is thinking that they aren’t good enough the way that they are. Your argument is interesting though – how would you have felt if you had heard something like that from your partner? That they weren’t really physically attracted to you because you were too thin?

    #142623
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Smutsik:

    I would be glad you told me and upset that you didn’t tell me earlier, that you pretended. I would be offended. Then I will no longer have a physically intimate relationship with you.  I may continue a friendship with you if you sincerely regretted your dishonesty and made real efforts to be honest and authentic with me.

    anita

    P.S., A comment like: “I am not attracted to you because you are too thin” is offensive for the first part of the sentence, but as a whole sentence, it is preferable to: “I am so attracted to you because you gained weight!”

    is what I am saying. You are in a pickle either way.

    #142641
    smutsik
    Participant

    I should note that it’s not that I don’t have any physical attraction whatsoever: from certain angles and at certain times I feel like she is the most beautiful person alive. And that’s not even an exaggeration, she is ridicculously beautiful to me. It’s more like she doesn’t really match my preference when we get naked, and doesn’t it change something that I find her personality so beautiful that I just couldn’t help myself and wanted to be with her even though I don’t think we’re a match physically?

    I know it’s just your opinion and not a universal one, but still.

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