Forum Replies Created
April 2, 2017 at 4:26 am #143337
The various therapists i tried were incompetent – they always made me feel ill and that I needed fixing. Then I went to a very comptenent experiences psychiatrist and told him what I have been ‘diagnosed’ with by those therapists and he checked me through and said that I don’t have any clinical illnesses whatsoever but that I have feelings of inferiority due to my experiences in childhood. He said what was important is to listen to a lot of positive talk also about myself and in CBT-way. I will not go to any therapist anymore as their attitudes created more damage. They thought they had the right or competence to diagnose but at the end of the day they each only diagnosed in me what their own issues were. I lost all my respect for this profession. I believe there are some very valuable methods but prefer conversations on eye-to-eye level and talking to people via this forum who maybe are professional therapists but don’t vomit their poor convictions about me on me.April 1, 2017 at 3:21 pm #143273
Yes. I see things more clearly now and have become better in setting boundaries. However, I don’t think I can mend this relationship with the men I mentioned. I tried to think of messages I could write to him but I wouldnt know what to say.March 31, 2017 at 1:06 pm #143109
I still would like to get back in touch with my former boyfriend… because I want clarity about what really happened. I don’t know who he is and I had a lot of assumptions about him that could really be true. But maybe they were not. However, what if I asked him for the reasons and he’d lie to me? Or blame me? How would I ever know?March 31, 2017 at 11:11 am #143101
I see the connection between my relationship to my mother and my relationship to men. If I would confront my mother with my feelings of being abandoned she would get upset at me, blame me, get angry and deny everything. I would feel even worse about myself and sometimes she would use the things I said against me. She did it out of denial, shame and guilt, I don’t doubt it but even now she has not apologized for it. The man from ten years ago was very similar. Also never apologized for not showing up, made excuses, got angry when I confronted him. etc. My mother generally reacted poorly when I would confront her with my emotions. Consequently I would open up to other people but never my family. My father is different though. He is very present, we have a beautiful relationship and he is very honest. I can share with him my feelings and thought, but he always wants to find solutions right away, he is not much of a listener-type.
I don’t know what will help me to overcome this. I don’t want to share and open up with anyone who could then reject and leave me.March 29, 2017 at 10:21 am #142761
No, I think it’s more the experience I had when I was 20 with that guy. The two are so similar. At least they are same age.March 29, 2017 at 10:00 am #142751
…and that he would walk away. so i just walked away first when i felt that he got uncertain about things.March 29, 2017 at 9:59 am #142749
I don’t know. I think at the beginning things were fine. He shared a lot about himself and I listened and just accepted him the way he was. He also liked the way I would think about the world. He made a lot of effort for me, but I had difficulties to warm up even though I felt attracted. I was so just so worried that i could get hurt.March 29, 2017 at 9:45 am #142743
I contacted him a few weeks ago to congratulate him to his birthday and he replied and thanked me, said he hoped i was fine and happy and wished me the best for the year. :/ that doesnt sound like interest to me 🙁March 28, 2017 at 12:05 pm #142585
I wish I could re-connect with him but I don’t want to come across as needy. Also I really had thought it through, there was a high risk he could have been a commitment phobe. I talked it through with a few males in my family (that was a first) and they said I should break up as a guy who says he wants friendship first and not talk about commitment and let things develop naturally is not really interested.March 28, 2017 at 12:03 pm #142583
I wouldn’t know what else to share now. Except that I really miss the guy I dated last. But he doesn’t seem to miss me. He probably already forgot me or is happy that I broke up before he would break up with me. Saves him from feeling guilty. He never wrote back, nothing.March 28, 2017 at 10:39 am #142575
Well, my mother would surely deny this and be upset about this. Because it wasn’t always like this… we would go on family vacations etc. But any way, I perceived being alone a lot.
I think I used to be a lot like my mom in terms of lying, particularly lying about why i wasn’t “present” (in school literally) and why I wouldn’t be able to perform (school and other tasks).
My difficulty is with the last guy particularly that he had this image of me of coming from a good family, and being similar to him. His parents were conservative and his mother was a helicopter mom. He assumed my life was the same. He’s a ‘high performer’ now, very athletic, working hard, prestige etc. I felt ashamed opening up about my ‘failures’ and being brought up more neglected even though my family are ‘high performers’ too. I always got more along with kids who had an addict as a parent and don’t care so much about prestige but real relationships. I was worried if I told him about my life he would reject me. At one point though he felt I was too needy I think. He said he just wants to get to know me and I wanted more commitment. You see, I either show too little and when I show a little more of my authentic feelings it’s too much -.-March 28, 2017 at 8:39 am #142557
Thank you for taking time, I appreciate this a lot. My parents divided work quiet strictly, but based on an agreement of both. my father said he’ll be the breadwinner and my mother will take care of us and the house. However, my father was always okay with her to work to if she wanted. She had a nanny, babysitters, cleaners (who would also make lunch), gardeners, you name it and was involved in charity and travelling for it. But somehow she felt not valued and is annoyed that my father doesnt help more at home even though he brings home the money and she gets all the paid help. It seems whatever he does is not good enough for her and she is still upset about having to bring is up “alone” even though I remember being alone a lot as a kid because she was either not there or emotionally not available (sleeping during the day, etc). Until today she accuses him because his family was so jealous of her life that they made hers very difficult by being unkind and talking behind her back. But I think a problem is that she always wanted to be liked by them instead of just enjoying life.March 28, 2017 at 1:26 am #142497
I think people will give you different advice. Some will say stay, others will say leave. I find looks important too. However at the end of the day your loved one will always lose their looks. It’s life. People get old, people get sick. If you have found someone with such a wonderful personality that you loved her despite her illness, that’s a rare find. Any chance you can help her in her recovery process?March 27, 2017 at 11:54 pm #142493
Thank you so much for replying.
1) Now that you ask, I fell in love much earlier. I remember being 7 or 8 when I once met the older brother of a class mate on whom I got a crush. I saw him only once but had to think every day of him. A year later I saw him again and he mocked me for my race and for being ugly but I still liked him. And didn’t see him again for at least a year. When I was 11 I had a crush on a dancing teacher who was very kind to me and I met at a winter camp. He was 15. I was obsessed with him until the age of 15, and always had to wait a year to see him again. We happened to see each other (circle of friends) a bit more often then (4 times a year) but as I got to know him better I lost all interest even though he started calling me and I felt he was a little interested. I remember that they he called me I was so happy. But I lost attraction soon after. We never talked about it. In school nobody was attracted to me, I was a no-go, simply because of race. When I was 16 I met a guy who was 21, a very good person, he lived three hours away from me. He had a crush on me but by the time I found out he already had a girl friend. We never talked about it either. There were a number of men I liked, who liked me as a person but didnt seem to be attracted to me. At age 18 I had a crush on someone but he was not interested in me and turned out to be bipolar. Once he became violent and threw me on the floor. I was so desperate that I was actually happy for the attention I received. I was so excited. We never talked about it and he just ignored and hated me.
Then by the age of 20 I fell in love with a guy but he lived very far away. We kept chatting and messaging eachother every day and I spent hours on it. The rest of my life kind of was neglected, not all together but my studies for sure. We never talked about our relationship either and he was considerably older than me. When we met he lost interest in me. I wasnt exciting and confident enough. I texted him to tell him what i felt bur he said that he doesnt feel that way but still wants to be in touch with me. Later I found out that he did this with many people and he would sleep with multiple women and they wouldnt know of eachother. Also he would lie to me and not keep his promised.
I wasnt resdy to let go and even though I started to date someone for a few times 2 years later I couldnt get over him. In my mid-twenties i would go on more dates with people but it was always the ones I wasnt interested in but I thought its important to gain experience. And who knows maybe something would develop if I got to know them better. But it never did. People say about me that i am very attractive and the guys like me. But they hardly ever ask me out. I fell in love with someone really sweet, fine character, but he was three years younger than me. He seemed interested at first I thought but he never took a first step so i tried to hint and meet up with him but it never worked. He then met a girl and married her. I almost failed university because of this. I now for the first time dated someone I liked too. He miraculously asked me out and reliably always called me since it was long distance. He did so much to be with me. But I started noticing possible red flags and felt so full of anxiety. I was so anxious he would leave me and he was irritated that I wouldn’t open up and share more about myself. He was always very open and the first man I could talk about the relationship itself with. But he started to lose interest, wanted to continue talking but not meet up again for a while and I thought this would only go downhill so I wrote him an email and broke up. It was a very respectful message and positive without blame. But I don’t want to be with someone who doesnt love me enough to want to see me. He never replied.
Going back to your actual question: At the age of 12 I had a strong desire to be with that person and to be sexually involved. Obviously also I would always want it to be something lasting, like marriage. I decided not to be sexually involved with anyone unless it is serious enough for marriage. So i guess I saved myself from a lot of damage.
Apart from obsessing in my mind I don’t know of any behaviour. I learned when i show interest or take initiative it turns people off. When i don’t it eventually does too.
2) I think so. Of course my parents had difficult times too but they are good to eachother and still together. My mom often felt left alone though and is not content with her life. She is very good in denying things and often lies to herself and others (without noticing).March 27, 2017 at 3:02 pm #142441
It sounds like you are a genuine and kind person. Not being physically attracted to someone who is ill sounds normal to me. It’s evolution … we mate with the healthy ones. So I guess from an “animal” perspective you should leave her. However, as I see it a human being is more complex. Even though animals show can show kindness and love and patience, they cannot measure up to human beings showing these higher nature qualities. And I am only talking about those sweet souls who shine, not those humans who behave worse than animals. What I am trying to say is that with your higher nature you recognize qualities of her higher nature, so there is a spiritual connection. I believe this is very special. People can recover from illness. With your support she might too. Maybe she is starving for love and nurturing, most people do. These are just some thoughts. I know there are people out there who say you can’t be in a relationship with someone you are not sexually attracted to – but maybe those who say that haven’t recognized the amazing and heroic deeds of friends, couples or even strangers who decided to stick together during the hard times. There is more glue to life than what is physical. It’s love.