Dear Gsemech:

She entered the relationship with you 3-4 years after the breakup of her marriage and four months into the relationship with you she withdrew. When you asked her she explained her distancing from you as her reaction to her husband walking out on her. But why wasn’t she as scared (or even more scared) the first four months?

I am thinking there are other factors. As you dug deeper she came up with only one factor, the one easiest to disclose to you, the one in the category of: “it’s not you; it’s me”

I am thinking that there are things about you and the relationship with you that she has become displeased with. If only she expressed those to you, she could feel closer to you. Who knows, it could be a thing as simple as her not liking your haircut (a crazy example), and she is too afraid to hurt your feelings. If she told you respectfully: I don’t like your haircut. I know it is your right to have your hair any way you want it, but I dislike it. Will you consider having a different haircut?

You may be only too glad to accommodate her.

Dig deeper, tell her it is okay to tell you what it is that bothers her, that you are willing to do the same with her, that as long as it is done respectfully, the two of you can figure what would be a reasonable accommodation to the other, and what would not.

anita