Thank you Anita and Inky. I did not bring up the anxiety issue with him, but at the beginning of this week I did attempt to do some of the things I had promise him I would work on- being assertive and taking initiative to invite him to things. Even though our big “fight” about all of this was Saturday/Sunday, we only made it until yesterday without issue. On Monday I had invited him to rock climb on Friday, though in the morning rather than at night when he usually goes (last weekend we had even discussed how I would be able to participate in more activities if we could do them earlier, as I have a hard time with hard physical activity late at night, and he enthusiastically said he could do mornings if I suggested it). I also invited him to go for a hike/bike ride on Saturday as that is the only day the weather will be nice here.

Wednesday night (last night), he mentioned rock climbing with a friend on Saturday, but said he was going to tell him he preferred to go Friday. I was silent because honestly I was kind of stunned, and kind of reeling from the fact that in less than 48 hours he had forgotten that he had said he would go rock climbing with me. He noticed, and said “oh yeah, you wanted to go climbing on Friday.” Long story short, he then kept pushing me to go late afternoon/evening on Friday when I had originally said I wanted to go in the morning . He said “so if we (meaning him and his friend) go late in the afternoon you won’t have the energy and won’t want to go at all?” I even compromised and said I would go early afternoon, that I just didn’t want to go late and not get home until midnight or later. He responded by saying that he liked to go Friday nights because it’s a “Friday night thing, to go out on Friday nights.” I said I understood, but that I had a lot of homework to do Saturday which is why I didn’t want to be out late on Friday and why I originally suggested Saturday morning. He said “soo…you don’t like going on out Friday nights” in a really kind of dismissive tone, like there was something wrong with me.

We didn’t finish the conversation because I had walked into the kitchen to start making dinner, and I was so hurt by his behavior I didn’t know what to do. We argued about another issue a few minutes later, a camping trip we are trying to plan for after the semester is over. I had said a week ago that I didn’t want to go with a large group, that I preferred a smaller group especially because I won’t know any of the people he is inviting. He gets mad whenever we talk specific numbers, but had agreed on a smaller group. Last night, however, he named off at least 7+ people that were interested that he had talked to about it, who will also most likely bring friends. When I very quietly stated that I thought we had agreed on a smaller group, he again got very angry with me, and basically wanted an explanation for why I wasn’t as gung-ho about it as he was. I gave a few reasons, but he shot those down. Regardless, at the end of the day I just feel like he doesn’t care about my preference or what I’m comfortable with. This morning he started a facebook group and invited a bunch of people, even more names then he mentioned last night, and started planning with them. I have yet to respond to the group.

Anyway, I give all of this detail because I feel like 3 days after our big long discussions about our relationship, that I was hoping for more effort on his part to compromise with me. Instead, I felt again like he would only ever be happy if we did things exactly his way. We had issues only because I refused to back down from stating what I wanted. I didn’t even tell him “this is what we have to do or else” I just was trying to let him know where I stood and what would work for me. I was kind of shocked with how little he seemed to want to work with me and how little he cared for what I wanted. He just seemed to be mad and upset that I wasn’t as stoked about everything as he was. I was hurt by the fact that he forgot our plans for Friday (then remembered) and completely forgot our plans for Saturday. What’s the point of me making plans with him if he’s just going to conveniently “forget” about them when he has offers from other people that are more in line with what he wants?

I’m sorry I’m rambling here. It’s been a hard day and I’m exhausted. I don’t even want to talk to him about any of it because I’m just…tired. Tired of trying to make this work, tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me because I don’t live my life exactly the way he does.

Thank you for listening, your thoughts on my taking care of myself helped me to not back down from re-stating what it was I wanted from these situations. I fear that our relationship will not survive, however. I feel like a failure, but I don’t know what else I can do without completely sacrificing all of my wants and needs.