This is long, so thank you in advance to the folks who decide to stick it out and read the whole thing. I am looking for some perspective to my situation to maybe make dealing with this an easier process?

I met my ex almost 3 years ago — I was 20 and he was 24. We spent the summer dating, going to music festivals, and hanging out and it was one of the happiest summers of my life. Even the most mundane things became an adventure and so many good times were shared. I had never fallen so head over heels with someone before, it was an instant spark and connection and I know we both felt it hard.

That fall, i was going to study abroad in Europe and he went away to sea because he is in the navy and was in military school. We kept long distance communication and planned on seeing each other when both of us were back, and the way we communicated was very much like a couple in nature… I know at this point we were both really excited to see each other again and we were making plans for my spring break to see each other. He had one night when he was out at sea when he was in town and after 9 months of us knowing each other and talking to each other, he came to my dorm and we saw each other again and he told me he loved me. That night, he left and we were supposed to see each other in another several weeks.

He called me one night and abruptly ended it, saying that he had been sleeping around. His parents were going through a divorce after his father cheating repeatedly on his mother for 30 years and he told me he was afraid of becoming his father and I didn’t deserve how he would treat me. He told me he had a random hookup a week after I left for Europe, and several more with prostitutes abroad. Fine, cool, we’re done, thanks for saving me heartache down the road. About a month later, he messaged me begging me to give him another chance, and that he was miserable without me and felt terrible pretending that I don’t exist. So we got back together that spring — me thinking hey, we were apart physically at the time, he might’ve been unsure about us, we were new, he had physical desires, etc, and we still could ease our way back into knowing each other. As angry as I was, I still loved him for who he was, and it was a hard time for him, and we’re all human and we get lost. I didn’t want to stay angry at someone I cared deeply about and wanted to have in my life — I feel like that’s a terrible way to live, if we just shut others out and don’t show them kindness when they need it most, especially when you really love them and don’t want them to hurt. And it seemed like he was really hurting.

So he went away for maybe a month or so longer? And then he moved back. That summer had its ups and downs with us both back living in new york again and he dumped me in a hotel room after his military formal after a fight at the end of the summer. He was the class president and he was busy socializing on what he called the most important night of his life — i didn’t really know anyone at his school and felt kind of out of place and just spent the night drinking (which contributed to the emotions in the fight).

Then we got back together again after several weeks of not talking. Please don’t call me stupid — I already know that I was. I just really cared about this person still, and I was willing to put the hurt away to bring back good times. Things were good, but then his grandfather died and he had to fly home to Atlanta for the funeral. The day he got back, I found out that he had cheated on me with his sister’s friend that weekend, after looking at his phone. She had texted him “I’m so sore after what you did to me that night” and he wrote back “i hope i wasn’t too rough on you” and it made me sick to my stomach. I asked him if anything else happened and he said no at first, but then confessed that he had cheated on me for a month, like maybe only weeks after we had gotten back together (the first time). This girl was on the ship that he was on while he was away, and he told me she didn’t mean to him what I meant to him. This was one of the girls at his military formal that he was socializing with in the summer. It was devastating, but he asked me to hear him out again and I did. I do think we still cared for each other and loved each other, oddly enough, I don’t know why I didn’t hate him at this point. I was so angry but I felt like if I cut him out I’d just be giving into bouts of anger, and I just thought that the best thing to do when people make mistakes is to show them compassion and forgiveness… I really did think love and being the better person and saying I forgive you, I love you, would show them a better path.

He said that I changed his life with the way I treated him and I had so much love and attachment it blinded all my boundaries. So things were semi-good (or good as they can be, considering the messed up circumstances) for yet another run… I think he really was trying to be better, and he helped me do so many things I couldn’t have done without him that year — like move into my first new apartment after graduating, or being emotional support as I started my first job. He has always been my best friend, which sounds ridiculous as I’m typing it out, but it’s just when we’re together and just enjoying time together, things feel good and I was happy and I want to think those moments were genuine and real. I do think he was trying to figure things out and was trying really hard to make me happy. Things seemed like they were kind of starting to maybe get better, and I still had maybe a shred of hope that things could be for real this time.

Then March of last year happened, when I got pregnant and had to get an abortion. The morning I found out I went by myself to get it done. I still think about it a year later, and I hate myself for letting myself become so careless to let something like that happen, when I always thought I was more responsible than that. He failed a class because of all the stress and attention that I was demanding of him, and then broke up with me in order to graduate and not fail out of school. He said he couldn’t take the sarcastic comments or my neediness or the petty fighting — and he was right. I hated how bitter, mean and suspicious I was a lot, and I didn’t want to give into those feelings at all and just continue to show love, but it was a constant battle with my emotions. I was constantly anxious worrying that he was back to his old ways, and so insecure about myself. These girls he cheated with were beautiful and sexy and fun and I felt so weird and annoying and dumb in comparison. And I never want to be the kind of girl who hates on other girls like that and projects anger and negativity onto them- the world is hard enough for women as it is , there’s no need for us to turn on each other.

I spent this time making new friends, doing things for myself and trying really hard to just be my own person and be happy and I think I was really on my way and I was giving healing a real effort and trying to just forget him.

After he graduated, he came back and told me he still loved me and never stopped, that all of that was in the past and that he would be trying his hardest to give me the love and commitment I deserve. He wrote me the longest letter saying that now that his finals were over, if I wanted to talk, he was here for me. He seemed very apologetic. There has been so much resentment from the past and from the things he did while we were apart, even though I know it’s not fair of me to get angry over things that he did when we were not together. That summer I let him back in — I was wary, but at this point, I figured, if he wasn’t feeling these things for real, wouldn’t he just leave me alone? It seemed like he really took some time to think about himself and I took some time for myself. It’s hard to put into words but I just didn’t want to shut him out, I guess it was selfish on my end too because I just had a lot of desire for him as well.

After another several months I found out that he had exchanged numbers with a girl he met at a bar on while he was out with his guy friends, and there was some flirtation. She asked to add him on facebook, and he said he wanted to take things slow, and didn’t want to do that yet with her…. I think he didn’t want me to see him add her and have me ask who she was. He saved her number as a guy’s name in his phone so I wouldn’t suspect. I had asked him on Wednesday if he had met any girls or if anything like that went down, because the bar he went to is kind of known to be a hookup bar, and he told me over and over no. He has this way of behaving when he lies, so my instinct told me he wasn’t telling me the truth… I did something very wrong and looked at his phone again and found those messages, even though I thought we were past me going through his phone. I woke him up and asked him about it, trying to get him to come clean and it took him about 20 tries before he eventually came out with the truth, which angered me more.

I also found out five months after it had happened that he slept with a girl during a party he threw while he went to visit home one weekend. He says he was blackout drunk and that he didn’t know why. This girl was his friend’s friend and both of them came from Atlanta to New York to visit him. He had to work one night so I told them I would hang out with them and that they were invited to chill with my friends. How does someone cheat on their girlfriend, and have that person come visit him and then introduce her to his girlfriend and leave them alone in a room to hang out and bond??

At this point, months after everything, i feel like I’m just going through the actions of my life and I can’t stop stewing on it — if I saw someone else like this over a guy I would think they were insane. I don’t want to try anymore to get past this and heal, I just am this empty husk. I still hate myself for being so stupid to not know better and for thinking that love was enough, for being so immature and dumb. I hate myself for wasting my time, for taking back someone after cheating and crossing my boundaries so many times. I hate myself for becoming so insecure and suspicious and for doing ridiculous things like snooping through phones. I’m not trying to play the victim here; I just want to stop feeling so depressed. I feel worthless and dumb and depressed and anxious every day. I know this was so wrong and so toxic, but somehow, I still care about him and I’m still so attached. How did I let one person have so much hold over my emotion? My self-esteem is completely wrecked and I don’t even know where to begin to take the steps to feel good again. I’ve lost all my motivation and will and general happiness and just don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. I just want to let this go, but I don’t know how, after the insanity of getting back together a million and one times. This is bleeding into every aspect of my life, my friends don’t really want to be around me anymore because I’m so out of it. Why can’t he just leave me alone? I didn’t used to be like this. I can’t go back to who I used to be before I met him, I used to be so easygoing and cheerful and now I’m just bitter. I’ve tried meeting new people but it’s impossible for me to trust anyone or give them any kind of chance and I immediately close off to others. Even reading everything I just typed makes me feel so anxious and terrible. How did I let myself become this gradual and unrecognizable mess of insecurities and anxiety? And why do I still long for his love?