Dear Anita, I keep reading your reply again and again and this makes me have a lot of reflection. I do a lot of research too before about the reality of the artist and I can understand that, as you mention it again so I revise it again, am I doing for pure passion art sake or actually I just wants to aim for wealth/fame. The only thoughts come to my head is I dont care, I just want to do it for no reason. I will keep creating my work until I finally dare to expose myself in front of the naked reality.

The 1st things now I have to do now is get a job and able to sustain myself also as a lesson for me to how to deal with people, and know how reality works. I sincerely have to praise you point out the core of my suffering is I can not cope with the reality and compare my dream to the actual circumstances that I have now.

I would like to share about my childhood to you, because what I think you said is right I did not get attention from my family. I lived with my mum, uncle, aunt, grand pa and grand ma. Then a lot of time I am being scolded that I am a stupid kids, lazy kids, a pig, quite and sometimes just too noisy and annoying. I often get compare with my other cousins who get a good grade at school and they are really famous in the basketball team luckily my mother didn’t do so, but my other family member like my uncle and also aunt. My mum force to work, in order to feed me. I am deeply as shame with myself all the time and i always hide behind from them, the only things I know is playing toys with myself. Then I start to develop obscure interest to prove I am special by pick the “deep film” to watch analyze the meaning behind them, the film that not normally pick by a children , listen to obscure music that not many people will like it research on secret esoteric knowledge and  conspiracy theories reading philosophy. I thought I can get attention from them but no actually, its actually makes me more isolate from them, but I get so obsess in to this attitude like being a rebel then also develop the thinking of they don’t just dont understand me, which I know now this is completely wrong, somehow I can also understand why I think like this during that time. I just stop just too much for me to going back to the time.

Truly your words are powerful and inspired.