May 2, 2017 at 6:30 am #147675
I am 23 years old this year, currently i am waiting to resit my exam ( diploma in business). So in between this period i am working in order to survive, i recently just quit my 1st job which lasted 6 months due to my lack of experience so they decided not hired me for a long term employees, then i immediately found a new job in a warehouse today is my 1st day. This job is also introduced by my mum and the last job too. Honestly, i just don't like this job really much, it's just doesn't suit for me, i have to carry a lot of heavy packages all day, the dust and the chemical smell just killing me slowly. The last job at least i can works in a office environment where is clean, not having a heavy physical job.
Sorry if i am talk too long for my introduction, but please listen to me. Now the problem is i am so depress and feeling so confuse about my choice, is it my choice or my family ( mum) and friends opinion always takes control in my life. I fail to be independent as an adult, i just fear to make a decision myself because i think they might have a great insight than me, i feel like if i make a decision myself, i must fail. I wish i cant quit this job right away, but i don't know whether is a right things to do or not, if i just quit immediately i am weak that i am incapable of handling jobs and secondly i would become unemployed then i cam as shame for myself not being self sustain as an adult.
Deep down my passion is always wanting to be a musician, a poet and a writer. I am a “solo” artist, which means i can't really works with anyone, so i did all the things myself. The point is i am really not confidence in myself as a human being, i am ugly and weak. When i was a child my parents divorce, and being sexually assaulted by a child care home guardian. I am just so low self esteem, i couldn't help and i read a lot of self help watch a lot of motivational talk, but still back and forth and back and forth, i just couldn't help. I am a narcissist and a bi polar disorder. I have so much to say through my art, but every time when i wants to try, doubt hold me back, it would makes me become so depress so confuse, attempt to suicide for several times. i am wonder, if god punish us by giving us the ability to imagine. I wish i can work in overseas, but i got haven't enough money yet to leave yet, seriously i really wants to leave this place, i just couldn't think for myself, Oh god i am just so fucked.May 2, 2017 at 7:24 am #147683
Dear Daniel Wong:
The easy things first: it is unhealthy for a person to work in an environment heavy with dust and dangerous chemicals. I wish no one worked in such environments. If you can quit- and you can- do quit this job today or tomorrow. And for as long as you lift heavy packages, pick them up correctly so to protect your lower back and otherwise prevent injury.
The next item: you don't feel confident in your ability to make the correct choices in life and feel that your mother/ others are more capable of making good choices. Well, look at your mother's life and others'- have they made good choices in their own lives? Are they well, emotionally? Evaluate the people for their ability to choose well in their own lives before you follow them blindly (and follow no one blindly…)
You would like to be a musician, a poet, a writer- this is a long term objective, endeavor. Take care of the practical business of today, tomorrow, and work on the long term goals daily, a little every day, being flexible to learn what your objectives mean, what action to take each day, each year; flexible to adjust your plans, your strategies, your expectations to reality, over time.
You wrote that you are a narcissist. What do you mean by that?
anitaMay 2, 2017 at 8:01 am #147689
Anita thanks you so much for the reply, what do you mean practical business ? is it something like become an entrepreneur.
To reply your question that why i call my self a narcissist, although i am have low self esteem but recently i am aware that i always think myself as a secret genius and nobody can understand me. So i always keep myself isolate from the other people.
I am afraid of quit the job, then i got nothing to do as the society said a unproductive man is useless and the employer is my mum friends, i feel as shame for myself. I just can't get away this narrow minded thinking out of my head.May 2, 2017 at 10:32 am #147699
Dear Daniel Wong Ching Kiong:
By “practical business” I meant daily practical business, from keeping your body as healthy as possible, your living area orderly enough to allow effective functioning, budgeting of money so to maintain yourself adequately.
Regarding labeling yourself as a Narcissist- better if you avoid that labeling. What you described, viewing yourself “as a secret genius”, that nobody can understand you and the fact that you don't socialize or connect to other people, all this does not mean you are a narcissist. It just means, I believe, that you imagine great things for yourself (as I have in my youth) and that you are afraid those things will not come true.
Regarding your last paragraph: aim, over time, to develop your existing independent thinking, understanding that a whole lot of what others claim to be true, what society promotes, is not true. For example: it is your primary responsibility to keep yourself as healthy as possible. Therefore, it is your … job to NOT take a job that is likely to make you sick.
If you work in a dangerous environment for a long time and get sick, chronically or fatally sick, what good will society's acceptance of you do for you?
Often enough we are faced with choices where none of the options is pleasant. We have to then choose the better one of the two.
anitaMay 2, 2017 at 8:09 pm #147793
Anita I have to tell you that thanks for giving me the encouragement to let myself make the right decision that is right for me. Ya I just quit my job, I wrote a message to the boss thanks for his opportunity to let me try there for one day and i just can't work in a environment like this.
I also have a discussion this morning with my mum telling her that I have to quit then she also can understand that my feeling and telling me that she support the decision I make.
I am afraid that I gonna stuck in this forever and dont know what I gonna do, is it true that we can't always get what we want, we just have to accept that we will live happier, but is hard to let go. I trying to start plan anyway, to have a schedule 1st, stay productive to myself in these time wake up and sleep early and have a plan what to do in the day.May 2, 2017 at 8:29 pm #147797
Dear Daniel Wong Ching Kiong:
Congratulations for quitting this job. As I understood your last post, your mother supported you in this decision, correct? That must have been very helpful to you. You wrote that “we can't always get what we want”-
Can you tell me in as many details as you can, what you want in your life?
anitaMay 2, 2017 at 10:17 pm #147833
Thanks you Anita, actually I get so confuse to what I want, I got things I want to do is art but is it realistic? But is that what I really wants to do ? I just dont know, if I want to do it I got enough material to publish, even though is unrealistic I still can make it through, if I really likes to do it I can create opportunity myself, but the fact is I never really publish, a lot of excuses too much ego involve not willing to works with other, always drunk myself with self delusion and ignorence, think that I am the best.
<span style=”line-height: 1.5;”>I can understand why nobody take me seriously, because I never show my ethuastic to work really hard on that, for example when the opportunities come I just reject it, I scare so much being for not doing well. All my work hide under the sunlight, I just show it to my teacher only. So I always just hang up there, and I can't let go. I hope that I never interest in art, instead to have a more realistic dream like business. I can't get focus during my 1st job, all I want is listen to music during at work. I get complaint from the boss so I can't pass my probation.</span>
The reason that I wants to work also because I wants to save money to go oversea to pursue my dream.
Anita should I learn to let go what I dream?and just more focus on what I can do in the moment to accept that this is reaility?May 2, 2017 at 10:25 pm #147835
Do you think am I really interested in the things what I do? Now i am thinking really hard about this alone in the beach.May 3, 2017 at 7:37 am #147857
Dear Daniel Wong Ching Kiong:
You wrote earlier: “i am wonder, if god punish us by giving us the ability to imagine”-
Let me know if I understand correctly, and correct me where I misunderstood:
Your passion is in art (“I have so much to say through my art”). You imagine successfully saying all you have to say through your art; successfully meaning, people see your art, admire it, value it and pay for it, and so you are able to make a living as an artist, maybe make a lot of money as an artist.
But the gap between what you imagine and the reality of your every day life is big, and often overwhelming. In the dreams you are a paid artist, valued, admired, considered to be a genius (“I always think myself as a secret genius”). In reality, at that one day job, you worked in a dusty, smelly environment lifting heavy packages.
The gap between the desire, the imagined life and the actual life is huge. That leaves you paralyzed, like a person looking at a very tall mountain, a mountain that seems impossible to climb.
Let me know if my understanding is correct and I will proceed.
anitaMay 3, 2017 at 9:05 am #147873
Yes you are right Anita, thanks you so much for your patient again.May 3, 2017 at 10:00 am #147889
Dear Daniel Wong Ching Kiong:
You are welcome. Since I was correct, I will proceed.
Part 1 of this post, Reality as I understand it to be:
Many people, especially children, teenagers and young adults dream of being very successful in life in terms of money and prestige. Many dream of being rich-and-famous. As a matter of fact, in early childhood, such dreams seem very achievable, very possible. The child's thinking is quite magical: all seems possible and the future seems promising.
When a child suffers from lack of adequate attention from parents, the child craves attention and often imagines that in the future, maybe the whole world will pay attention to him, applauding, recognizing his value. Maybe the greater the lack in childhood, the bigger the dreams of plenty in the future.
Of the millions of children and young adults who dream big, only a few achieve the life of the rich-and-famous.
There are many artists, such as musicians, who have great talent and yet are not rich and famous, not even close. On the other hand, there are artists who are less talented who are rich and famous. The way to this kind of success is not only about talent, but about perseverance, effective functioning (doing what works, learning what works better and proceeding), and luck (being in the right place at the right time.
Many who have achieved wealth and fame are miserable, or have been miserable enough to end their lives (examples are plenty).
Part 2, my suggestions to you:
If you agree with part 1, hold those in mind, accept them. If you are not sure, research yourself, find out- is what I wrote above real?
As you understand reality to be what it is, you will be less anxious, less paralyzed, more energetic and more effective. It is for your benefit to understand and accept reality.
And so, the statistical chances are that you will not be rich and famous. Possible, but not statistically likely. When you express yourself in art, do express yourself, because authentic expression may very well be the only benefit you get from doing your art.
As long as you have in mind that your art needs to bring you wealth and fame (or any amount of money), that will “rain on your parade” of authentic expression. And without authentic expression, what is there to art?
Be practical about your life: you have to make money, get a job. Not one that will endanger your health (the one you quit), but one that is reasonable. Instead of holding it in contrast of your big dream, focus on what it is, seeing the challenges in it, the opportunity for you to learn and develop. Notice this: no opportunity is too small to use for learning and developing. Use every one.
As long as you overlook the small opportunity because they pale in comparison to your dreams, you will not learn, you will not develop and you will be less likely to achieve the big dream. In fact, you distance from good-enough living (making just enough money to live comfortably) will be greater.
I hope you post again with your thoughts/ feelings. I will reply if you do.
May 4, 2017 at 10:30 am #148029
- This reply was modified 11 months, 4 weeks ago by anita.
Dear Anita, I keep reading your reply again and again and this makes me have a lot of reflection. I do a lot of research too before about the reality of the artist and I can understand that, as you mention it again so I revise it again, am I doing for pure passion art sake or actually I just wants to aim for wealth/fame. The only thoughts come to my head is I dont care, I just want to do it for no reason. I will keep creating my work until I finally dare to expose myself in front of the naked reality.
The 1st things now I have to do now is get a job and able to sustain myself also as a lesson for me to how to deal with people, and know how reality works. I sincerely have to praise you point out the core of my suffering is I can not cope with the reality and compare my dream to the actual circumstances that I have now.
I would like to share about my childhood to you, because what I think you said is right I did not get attention from my family. I lived with my mum, uncle, aunt, grand pa and grand ma. Then a lot of time I am being scolded that I am a stupid kids, lazy kids, a pig, quite and sometimes just too noisy and annoying. I often get compare with my other cousins who get a good grade at school and they are really famous in the basketball team luckily my mother didn't do so, but my other family member like my uncle and also aunt. My mum force to work, in order to feed me. I am deeply as shame with myself all the time and i always hide behind from them, the only things I know is playing toys with myself. Then I start to develop obscure interest to prove I am special by pick the “deep film” to watch analyze the meaning behind them, the film that not normally pick by a children , listen to obscure music that not many people will like it research on secret esoteric knowledge and conspiracy theories reading philosophy. I thought I can get attention from them but no actually, its actually makes me more isolate from them, but I get so obsess in to this attitude like being a rebel then also develop the thinking of they don't just dont understand me, which I know now this is completely wrong, somehow I can also understand why I think like this during that time. I just stop just too much for me to going back to the time.
Truly your words are powerful and inspired.May 4, 2017 at 11:04 am #148041
Dear Daniel Wong Ching Kiong:
Thank you for your kind words.
Following your most recent post, more of reality:
As a child, what the adults in your home think of you is everything. A child doesn't know who or what he is- it needs parents/ adults to tell him who he is. And when they tell him, the child believes it.
What did they tell you: “stupid… lazy kids, a pig, quite and sometimes just too noisy and annoying”, less than your other cousins who were really famous in the basketball team.
So naturally, you believed what they said, you took it in as the truth. But it wasn't true, what they said. How do I know? Because you were distressed believing those things. If you truly were those things, you wouldn't be distressed.
And so, you tried to prove them wrong, to be more than a stupid, lazy, annoying child, to be special, and to be famous like the cousins, more than the cousins… famous so that they will change their minds.
But all along the adults who told you those things didn't see you for who are. They didn't SEE you. So you want to show yourself to them, to the world, to “dare to expose myself”
You have the opportunity to do just that, to show who you truly are, every day. Your thoughts, your feelings, this is who you are. Live authentically, be true to yourself: in doing so, you expose who you truly are.
But be prepared: the people who did not see you so far, the adults you grew up with, they are not likely to see you now, or in the future. They can't or won't. They are too busy with their own thoughts, own concerns to notice the beautiful child you were. They are not likely to see you now.
But someone will see you. I already have- through your writings here. You have a lot of promise, the promise you were born with. Fame and fortune- I don't know, low statistical probability, but the passion within you, the desire, the imagination, the motivation… the rebellion against what is not true- I admire those things that you are.
Post anytime, with your thoughts, your feelings… use any practical opportunity in your daily life to live authentically, there is no substitute to authentic living (not even fame and fortune)…
anitaMay 5, 2017 at 8:35 am #148117
Dear Anita, I feel things like falling into places, although the insecure still there, but finally atleast I can be more well handling on fear. These four days, looking back is like a dream, everything went chaos but not everything going into new order again.
Thank you for going with me along the road. God bless.May 5, 2017 at 8:46 am #148129
Dear Daniel Wong Ching Kiong:
I understand the insecurity being still there and it is likely to be there for a long time. But as you wrote, you are more able to handle fear/ insecurity because your thinking is more congruent now with reality. Keep reality in mind, keep observing it, studying it, see things and people as they are, and your functioning in life will benefit greatly.
You are welcome and do post anytime. I will reply for as long as you'd like me to.