Anita,

How have you been? I have taken a couple of weeks offline so I can stop resorting to googling almost as a compulsion of mine when I am feeling anxious about my relationship.  I would say that these last three weeks have been very good in our relationship! I have officially really stopped constantly asking about the incident with the other girl. I honestly feel good about that situation because I officially feel that I know everything and have no other questions to ask about her because I got what I wanted to hear, so I would say we have really moved on from that. The only thing, which is extremely normal after being lied to for such a long time (I understand he really didn’t HAVE to tell me because we were separated) but at the end of the day I did ask him for so long and he always lied to my face about it, so now I of course have trust issues. I find myself asking him occasionally is there anything else? someone else? I know this is annoying him and he constantly reassures me that it was not.

But I think my OCD has really attached to this situation and I don’t know how to UNattach it. I find myself going date by date that we weren’t together in our past making sure there’s nothing I’m not missing. A girls number, an uber trip, a message, text, anything. I go to my photo-albums and his to make sure I know which days we were broken up and if anything happened those days. All of this, and I still haven’t found anything. NOTHING. It has become a compulsion of mine to check everything and ask him all the time to make sure were in the place we need to be.

I also find myself freaking out over the stupidest things. I recently had a friend that her boyfriend confessed to her a year later that he had been with over 5 girls in their relationship (of course this got to my head and traumatized me that maybe my boyfriend is doing the same), at one point in talking about this with my boyfriend, he said something like “oh her boyfriend was TOO honest, poor girl” and my heart sank. I automatically freaked out thinking my boyfriend believes there is such thing as TOO honest. When I talked to him about this, he told me he thought her boyfriend was too honest in the way of being BRUTALLY honest to purposefully hurt someone. The guy told my friend how he danced with other girls etc and my boyfriend just said that is unnecessary when you’re telling a girl you slept with 5 girls.. dancing should be left out instead of being added to make this worse. Which I get, fine.

I just find myself constantly asking stupid things like “are you sure you didn’t even just get a NUMBER?” “buy someone a drink?” like I constantly just want there to be more thinking thats going to satisfy me, does that make sense? Not like if he told me any of those things I would break up with him, why I am obsessed with wondering if there is more?

Another thing my boyfriend does, that I think many people do, I even find myself doing it sometimes, is he laughs when I ask him questions. But previously, he has laughed and HE WAS LYING. So now everytime I ask him something and he laughs I think he’s lying and I obsess about it. He says he just does that, and that the questions are ridiculous and annoying and he just laughs sometimes but that doesn’t mean he’s lying, but my OCD makes me think otherwise. I know he’s asked me questions and Ill laugh and I swear I am being truthful, so I understand that.

Overall, I just feel like my OCD is really obsessing about this situation and making it so much worse. I find myself maybe twice a week being REALLY not in the present and drifting off, reacting to my OCD, asking questions, and just not having a good day. I know trust isn’t earned over night and this is a process that is going to take time to get our relationship exactly where we need it to be, but it really is like I just want it all to happen in one day and start enjoying life.

Another thing I feel is that I have a  lot of resentment and haven’t really FORGIVEN him for lying and doing what he did, which is why its constantly bothering me. How do I find myself to forgive him, fully forget the past, who HE WAS, and just focus on WHO HE IS. Our relationship really was a mess I would say in the beginning, just because of the age, the environment, college for the first time, everything just made it a BAD time. So I find myself just focusing on how our relationship WAS and not how it is now and has the potential to be in the future. He seriously still till this day, has been amazing I could easily say every single day since the December. That is 6 months.. of no issues. I see him opening up more, us fighting less, no stupid break ups, drunk fights, anything. He admits he’s changed and he is never going to leave me again and he just feels so different about everything. I wish we could’ve started dating now instead of our freshmen year of college… or maybe just broke up for a month and just started ALL over, clean slate. But I really just CANT leave him now over how our relationship WAS it just seems like I would regret that for the rest of my life because he is everything I want at the current moment.

I just really think I need to learn how to trust, accept the process, not give into my OCD, and live in the present moment. But so much easier said than done? Any tips?

*leaving my boyfriend is never going to be an option because I love what we are now and the man he has become and I just want to fix myself and my anxiety and truly enjoy what he is currently giving me*