Dear Hayley:

It is wrong for your mother to tell you that you are “selfish for thinking that (she favors your sister)”. The right response would be to express empathy for your distress, to ask you what lead you to believe that she favors your sister, listen to you attentively, empathetically, respectfully and consider your examples for the purpose of correcting her behavior where it should be corrected. Then later, check in with you about how you feel about her corrections of her own behavior, and continue the conversation for as long as it needs be.

In your original post you wrote: “Me and my mom fight a lot and we do sometimes have good times together and I try to cherish and… focus on the good.”- it is the way of nature that we focus on the bad, that is on threats to our well-being. When an animal, let’s say, a deer, hears potential danger, it stops pleasurable activities and focus on the potential danger.

You wrote: “(From) a physical standpoint she is great mom, she cares makes us lunch feeds us clothes us and cares for our health.”- mental health is very important. If a parent neglects/ harms a child’s mental health, she is not being “a great mom”, not even close.

You wrote: “every time I apologize she tells me it means nothing to her.”- that is cruel of her, to reject your sincere apologies.

You wrote that your mother is easy on your sister, telling her that “everyone makes mistakes and that it’s ok’. On the other hand she is hard on you, telling you that you are a “disappointment to her and make sure I know my actions were wrong”- definitely double standards, favoritism. Too bad.

You wrote: “today I got in trouble for something and my mom yelled at me and this time I was in the wrong”, and as a consequence, she prevented you from attending to your second biking race. On the other hand, when your sister got in trouble with your mother, she did not prevent her from attending to any of her extra curricular activities. Again, double standards, favoritism.

You wrote that your parents “have always made it clear my sister is the athlete and she is fit with a good strong body and her eyes are beautiful”- did they tell you what they like about you?

anita