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  • #150560
    Hayley
    Participant

    growing up I only had realized parents can and do favourite. In my situation I don’t know who favourites me but for certain my mom seems to be a little sweeter to my sister. Me and my mom fight a lot and we do sometimes have good times together and I try to cherish and remember my mom and me for those moments. But recently there has just been to much bad to help me focus on the good. As a physical standpoint she is great mom, she cares makes us lunch feeds us clothes us and cares for our health. As any parent should and would be expected of. But on my end of an emotional standpoint it starts going south. I am a person who tends to reflect after an argument or conflict has occurred and sometimes I can be the mean one or I am the one to take it a step to far. I want to go apologize and say I should have taken a step back at the moment and toned it down. But every time I apologize she tells me it means nothing to her. She says that herself. But there are times it is her and she doesn’t realize that, like one time my sister went out with her friend and lied and didn’t tell my mom where she had went. My mom and dad were fairy mad at her but soon after my mom goes and hugs my sister and tells her everyone makes mistakes and that it’s ok. But in a situation if u was my sister my mom would make me feel like I’m am disappointment to her and make sure I know my actions were wrong. It even more obvious when the language and disrespect she gives my mom. And her actions when she doesn’t want to complete a task that is given. So today I got in trouble for something and my mom yelled at me and this time I was in the wrong. My sister has been in similar situations where she had gotten in trouble like that, but my mom would never let her miss her extra curricular activities aka sports. She would still drive her and my parents have invested a lot of money and time into her sports. Me I don’t do as much in comparison, I play piano and I bike and I do track and Feild. But they have always made it clear my sister is the athlete and she is fit with a good strong body and her eyes are beautiful. But I try and I do what makes me happy regardless of time and how much of it I can do. Anyways cause my mom is mad I have to miss a second biking race, and to some people reading this it my sound dumb, one race so what, well I care and I love to do it so it does upset me a little. I just find there is always a sacrifice I have to make or something I have to give up and loose in order to get some good or over the punishment. I’m tried of fighting as sad as it sounds, I can see myself in the future no have a close bond or relationship with my mom. I have tried to talk get counselling together buy her a gift to make her smile but nothing works. And even though my dad seems to be easier with me he always ends up taking her side. Honestly life feel like I am in a three on one me against my who family. I can’t move out or do anything like that I just want this to be over I want to live where I am not getting in fights with my mom not crying every night and being to I’m dumb, I can’t do this and other explicit names. I really do not know what to do and o have tried to be kinda and do there way and be bothered by the favouritism but I have no more room in my heart to do that for them anymore

    #150616
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Hayley:

    I wish your mother had the same rules and same consequences for you and your sister. It is hurtful when that is not the case.

    When did you first notice her favoring your sister, do you remember?

    You must have confronted her about this favoritism, did she have an answer for you?

    anita

     

    #150634
    Hayley
    Participant

    Thanks, well it was early at least before I was a teenager so probably around 10-12years of age. And when I did confront her she got upset and told me I am selfish for thinking that. I did then think it was me just being dumb but as I got older it just seem to get worse

    #150650
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Hayley:

    It is wrong for your mother to tell you that you are “selfish for thinking that (she favors your sister)”. The right response would be to express empathy for your distress, to ask you what lead you to believe that she favors your sister, listen to you attentively, empathetically, respectfully and consider your examples for the purpose of correcting her behavior where it should be corrected. Then later, check in with you about how you feel about her corrections of her own behavior, and continue the conversation for as long as it needs be.

    In your original post you wrote: “Me and my mom fight a lot and we do sometimes have good times together and I try to cherish and… focus on the good.”- it is the way of nature that we focus on the bad, that is on threats to our well-being. When an animal, let’s say, a deer, hears potential danger, it stops pleasurable activities and focus on the potential danger.

    You wrote: “(From) a physical standpoint she is great mom, she cares makes us lunch feeds us clothes us and cares for our health.”- mental health is very important. If a parent neglects/ harms a child’s mental health, she is not being “a great mom”, not even close.

    You wrote: “every time I apologize she tells me it means nothing to her.”- that is cruel of her, to reject your sincere apologies.

    You wrote that your mother is easy on your sister, telling her that “everyone makes mistakes and that it’s ok’. On the other hand she is hard on you, telling you that you are a “disappointment to her and make sure I know my actions were wrong”- definitely double standards, favoritism. Too bad.

    You wrote: “today I got in trouble for something and my mom yelled at me and this time I was in the wrong”, and as a consequence, she prevented you from attending to your second biking race. On the other hand, when your sister got in trouble with your mother, she did not prevent her from attending to any of her extra curricular activities. Again, double standards, favoritism.

    You wrote that your parents “have always made it clear my sister is the athlete and she is fit with a good strong body and her eyes are beautiful”- did they tell you what they like about you?

    anita

    #150950
    Hayley
    Participant

    Thank you for your help. I deeply appreciate it, there has been times when they have said the good in me but it is not as often. I honestly sometimes feel trapped wondering when a good will come out of this or a solution. All I really want to gain is how things can get better . Sorry for the wait and thank you

    #150962
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Hayley:

    You are welcome. Sometimes there is no good that comes out of situations. When this is the case, only when the situation is different (you no longer live in this particular home), that good will happen, or good can still happen in your relationships with others, outside the home.

    When FAMILY ROLES are established (your sister being the favorite, ‘the good daughter’, perhaps, while you may be the ‘bad daughter’), these roles stick. It is unfortunate. The place to release yourself from such roles is outside the place where these roles were created; outside the home, with people who did not create and are not maintaining these roles.

    anita

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