Eliana: 

Thank you for going into detail sharing some of your story. I appreciate it

For me, I don’t remember being a ‘pleaser’ growing up. I grew up only with my mum, but she loved me and my brother and gave us everything she could, I didn’t feel disadvantaged by it. But as I progressed through high school I became more self-conscious and less free spirited, although confidence did built in other areas.

Yet toward the end of high school I started reading self help books which their extremely big claims like “you can be anything” “you can do anything” “always be confident” “if you do this you can xyz” kinda stuff and I really took it on. And by trying to be better in my ‘life’ in every area, over time I think it has resulted in me adapting to be better in each area based on that areas standards, instead of bringing myself to that place. And as I mentioned now its sometimes adapting to each person I speak to which if at a workshop or at work talking to colleagues can be very decentering. With customers its not usually a big issue, but as a customer I struggle to feel comfortable over the last few years as I ‘try to be a good customer’ too instead of being myself and now I just find the whole process awkward. Its weird because I can be very comfortable and at ease at parties ususally and just recently made it onto a video at a music festival which was just me high fiving people and giving out free stuff as a volunteer (shared to a 100k+ following) and then I feel self-conscious and shut down trying to order a coffee.

I’m rambling a bit now – but basically it feels like the ridged adoption of poor unqualified beliefs over a number of years has really got me in some knots I don’t know how to get out of now that its automatic and unconscious.

I like what you said about boundaries too. Something I have been noticing recently and I am happy you have remained me in your message!