Dear steph:

I re-read all your posts here. You wrote: “I do miss that feeling of being absolutely present, that feeling of freshness and vibrancy”- this is the original state of a child. If a child is unharmed, this is how a child experiences life.

You termed your anxiety “severe anxiety”, severe in italics. And I agree, as your statement “I have somewhat constant depersonalization and derealization which is very unsettling” does indicate, to me, severe anxiety).

I don’t believe that the origination of your severe anxiety is in the breakups of your several romantic relationships. Such anxiety, way more likely, took hold in your Formative Years, aka as childhood. It is the time where most neuropathways in the brain are created, from scratch, so to speak. And so, I believe, the origin of your anxiety is in your childhood relationship/s.

You mentioned your father and mother as the present adults in your childhood. You indicated that you presently have a close and loving relationship with your father, so I was puzzled when you later wrote: “my family, who I love and care about deeply, seem not to care as much as I care about them.” Later, in your sharing, you mentioned your mother for the first time: “my mother has always been draining on me… can be judgmental and doesn’t seem to care as much about me as I care about her.”

So I figure that in the statement that puzzled me, you were referring to your mother, not to your father. You are so troubled about your relationship with your mother, presently, that you decided to refrain from contact with her. You wrote: “Spending time with her and feeling that I was responsible to uphold the relationship just because she is my mother has been an area of difficulty in my life” – this means to me that you wanted no contact with her for a long time, but felt you had to be in contact with her because of her role in your life, being your mother.

You wrote earlier: “(I) find it difficult to keep/maintain friendships…so I generally don’t hang out with people often, if it all, most days” and you started the thread telling of your severe anxiety in the context of romantic relationships.

I am thinking that your relationship with your mother is not only difficult in the present time but has been what harmed you during those formative years. Your child’s brain perceived danger in that relationship and you reacted with fear. Like you, I too expect positive results from you not having contact with your mother. I also believe competent, quality psychotherapy during this time of no contact will be very helpful to gain insight into the origin of your severe anxiety, which is, your relationship with your mother, primarily. The scolding and spanking by your father must have contributed to your formed anxiety, in childhood.

If you would like, you can share more about your childhood relationship with your mother. A child is heavily invested in forgetting-the-bad/ dangerous and remembering the good/safe, so keep this in mind, and if you choose, share what happened even if there is a voice in you questioning your share, as if it didn’t really happen or didn’t really matter.

Anxiety is very difficult to deal with. Insight by itself is not enough. Practicing skills (which you have been doing) is necessary. Insight, skills, and practice over time will help greatly and your life can be way better, your experience more lively and love more present.

anita