Anita, I do very much agree that it’s not fair to him. But ultimately this is because of what he did so I can’t blame myself 100%, he has to deal with the issues he caused because of broken trust. I am happy to tell you that I made an appointment to see a therapist this Wednesday at noon! So hopefully we can figure out how to stop this.

Inky, I’ve known about this for a couple of months. At first I was shocked, then I accepted. I understood the situation, him, etc. Suddenly, I came back home for the summer and my anxiety has gotten a lot worse. It started one day when I found myself wanting to just flirt with a guy (again nothing wrong but my ocd and anxiety made me really overthink this) I talked to my boyfriend we were fine, but this is when I started I guess you can say a relationship OCD. I started constantly making sure I loved him, constantly googling, constantly asking myself do I care? Am I convincing myself, am I faking my feelings, do I deserve someone that was perfect from the beginning? That’s what consumes my mind constantly. Of course some times we have good days but I haven’t been too busy so I’ve been letting my mind really have all the time in the world to think and overthink.

This is my main problem, my mind tells me all these things, my fears tell me all these things, but they make me SICK to my stomach. I don’t want to leave my boyfriend, I love him. And truly I don’t think anyone is as good as him. Everyone is consntsly saying I need to find someone that loves me as much as he loves you. Everyone loves us, knowing what he did not one person has ever judged me they all have told me to stay and understand the situation (like Anita is saying it as), my own family has even told me that I shouldn’t leave over that etc. so when 50 people are pointing in one direction and everyone is seeing the light and truth to the entire situation and sees my boyfriend first hand with me, it’s hard for me to agree with you both and say ok leave him when I don’t want to… and no one ever tells me to, advises me to. It’s not that my boyfriend is perfect on paper, he is perfect to me in everyone’s eyes, even my own mother who knows every single detail of our relationship when it was down.

I think I have just had these OCD thoughts and tendencies for so long but never about something I CARE so much about that my brain is really struggling to make sense. Usually I get anxiety about everything that didn’t happen or might happen… not a relationship. I have never felt this way towards him, even when I found out!! I still loved him so much and we moved forward. I’m just in a RUT. And I don’t want to listen to my gut that’s based off all of fear and obsessive thoughts. I can tell myself if I were to end it with my boyfriend over my anxiety and feelings of distress, that would be the worst decision of my life. Because again, anxiety doesn’t last forever,  but me losing him maybe moving on… all that lasts forever. I want him by my side for life, and I’m actually sorry that I’m putting him through this because I can’t figure out my emotions.