June 19, 2017 at 12:09 am #153910
I posted on here a couple of months ago about a certain issue and got a lot of help with that, especially from Anita. But I find myself being really caught up on something else the last month exactly. Let me give you a bit of a background story…
My boyfriend and I started dating when I was 18 he was 19, in May 2015. The first 4 months of our relationship were great/easy like always, but once we hit 5 months it started getting really rocky. In October, I broke up with him because I felt that he was giving his new fraternity more attention and that he was too consumed with “living the college life”. He was devastated, and tried to get back with me so we started “talking” I guess you could say. One day we had a big fight over something stupid and I regret it so much that I acted so immature and I pretty much told him were done get out don’t talk to me. He then proceeded to the next day sleep with a girl he used to sleep with before we got together. This is the big problem, because he didn’t tell me this for an entire YEAR.
So since I didn’t know this, I took him back. We were great for a couple of months and then in February 2016 he broke up with me for 1 day over again influence from his friends, we got back. And in April again… he broke up with me again for 3 days. Again, being my first love.. took him back because it was never like he did anything I just think being in a relationship in college is really tough and theres a lot of influence, his dad wasn’t even really supportive of the relationship he said he should just have fun etc. We were all fine and great I guess you could say until October 2016 when he told me he had lied and actually hooked up with this girl an entire year before, I was devastated you could say but after talking to everyone, they all said I shouldn’t leave him for something that happened when WE WERE BROKEN UP, ONLY HAD DATED FOR 5 MONTHS, AND THAT HAPPENED A YEAR AGO.
So I stayed, and “forgave”. Now this is where it gets tricky. Since this day…. my boyfriend has changed to a complete 180. He is the most amazing boyfriend, honest, supportive, gets along with my family friends, treats me like royalty, is constantly there for me, gives me everything I need and want, he is the most amazing person on this planet. He is exactly like that guy I hope to one day marry and be the father of my kids. I can’t say plenty of things wrong with him from how amazing he has turned out to be. He doesn’t even go out, doesn’t drink, dropped his fraternity, is an open book, gives me all his passwords, lets me ask the same questions 19323948 times without complaining, is just patient and amazing. Since then, our relationship has been the BEST IT HAS EVER BEEN.
Now this is the problem, since our relationship is so great and I have nothing to worry about now… my anxiety is LATCHING on to my relationship trying to convince me that I actually deserve better and I don’t care how he is now that I am not in love and there is just too much disappointment and that I will never be able to get over the fact that he lied. And I seriously sit in bed CRYING thinking about leaving him over how he USED to be, not the present and how he is now. I want to throw up thinking about leaving him and being with someone else. He has just become such a beautiful person. And its sick but every time he tells me something nice I get anxiety, how he tells me that I am just the love of his life and he’s changed me into this man he never thought he could be, and how he just wants to marry me and just so much love… that I get anxiety and I convince myself that I don’t feel the same way and its making me crazy. I actually think I have come into a sort of depression this last month having all these constant thoughts in my head and constantly questioning something that means so much to me….
So my question is, has anyone dealt with relationship anxiety? Why is it now that everything is so RIGHT that my brain is doing this to me? How can I stop this? I just want to be happy and focus on the present and the future and forget the past. I almost have this obsession with telling myself I am a victim and deserve better and what he did was horrible… when really the entire situation is so dumb. We were young, stupid, not in love, immature, and we’ve grown from it, why can’t I see it like that? He’s never hit me, screamed at me, cheated on me (actually), he’s never embarrassed me, unsupported me, nothing. It was only that one BIG LIE that he kept from me… and at the end of the day we weren’t together, am I really going to let my anxiety make me lose the love of my life over something so stupid? I don’t know what else to do anymore and I really could use any advice. I feel like I can’t control my thoughts and that I am just going to have to give in and break up from how crazy I am driving myself.June 19, 2017 at 5:14 am #153918
Based on your threads before, on our communication there and this new thread, competent, quality psychotherapy is what I recommend, and as soon as possible.
The “BIG LIE” that bothers you so, is not the lie of him sleeping with another woman after you told him that the two of you “were done get out don’t talk to me”. The obsession you stated: “…this obsession with telling myself I am a victim and deserve better and what he did was horrible” is not about him doing something horrible.
These are about past experiences you had, before you ever met him. Those past experiences are very persistent in trying to get your attention by projecting themselves into him and into the relationship with him. With this insistence, better see a competent, capable professional. There the combination of insight into your past and skills to manage and gradually undo the OCD mental habits will help you greatly.
anitaJune 19, 2017 at 5:38 am #153924
I believe that people do grow up and grow out of things. But you’ve probably heard the quote from poetry “The child is the father of the man”. Meaning, you’ve actually seen his younger self, his immature self, his shadow side. No matter how amazing and perfect he is now, you know that not that long ago he was just a frat boy who banged the first dumb girl that would have him the minute you two broke up.
This reminds me of the old series Friends and the meme where Ross says (about once every third episode for seasons and seasons) “WE WERE ON A BREAK!!” to justify his “technically not cheating” episode. It just wasn’t the same.
The other thing is maybe he’s not The One. Once you are out of college you would naturally be separated anyway and your subconscious mind might be preparing you for that.
At any rate ~ yes ~ see a psychologist/psychotherapist if you want to.
June 19, 2017 at 6:02 am #153928
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Inky.
I think you should go with your gut. The anxiety you are having, Is trying to tell you something and it might be, that no matter how awesome this man might be right now, the fact is that he was so quick to sleep with another woman, after an argument with you.
A part of you worries (naturally) “what if we have another argument again, and I say something I don’t mean, or screw up, is he going to sleep or hook-up with another woman the next day. The whole I think boils down to trust. Once trust is broken, it is extremely difficult to get it back. I am not saying he cheated on you, but he sure was quick to go to another woman right after a fight, instead of trying to work things out with you.
Also, after you have not been with someone for awhile, no matter how much they have changed, it is hard, to rekindle the chemistry and old flame which is what you are experiencing. I don’t really think you need psychotherapy, you are having natural anxiety, because he was so quick to go to another woman, and your conscious and gut is telling you, he May not be the right man for you. Keep us posted.
June 19, 2017 at 6:23 am #153932
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Eliana.
Hi again everyone, thanks for taking your time to respond.
Anita, I know you’ve been through this with me from day one and you know much backside to the story and that’s why your answer is different than anyone else’s because you understand and see where it is stemming from. I really do think all I have left to try is therapy because I really don’t want to lose him.
Inky and Eliana, I see where you both are coming from. I, a sufferer of anxiety and OCD since a young age, tend to really never know what’s my gut and what’s my fear. So it’s hard to say that I’m feeling this way because of a gut feeling. I would have to throw in that right now, I do trust him. I have no doubt in my mind he’s not doing something. He is seriously a changed man, we have talked many times about the incident. He answers everything I need. Tells me that with his past girlfriends things just didn’t work and he was never in love and when they broke up he just didn’t care and would move on. So when I broke up with him he was devestated and just saw it as another relationship that didn’t work. He says very confidently that he would NEVER do that now and I am so so so positive he wouldn’t. We weren’t only dating for 4 months before he did this and he was 19, NEW to college, just thinking whatever. He says his mind has changed, going through all of this has made him realize that you know what idc if I’m missing out in college life, she’s the love of my life and I will sacrifice that for her.
Ofcourse it’s not easy, and OFCOURSE I have anxiety about it all or I wouldn’t be here. But I really don’t know if I should break up with someone because of how they were, if I should break up with the guy that I can see myself marrying and having kids with if I can get past this stupid mistake. Do you think in 4 years if our relationship stays this good, that I’m going to even give relevance to the fact that when we were dating for 4 months and we broke up that he slept with an old fling? Like is that going to matter? It wasn’t a random girl, he didn’t even try, he went to a party she was all over him he was drinking I had just kicked him out of my apartment and he said he just said “f it”. He regretted it immediately came running home to me, has had her blocked on everything since THAT day, I just don’t know what I’m feeling, and if this situation is actually worth a break up or worth me fixing.June 19, 2017 at 7:24 am #153954
He dated you at the time for four months. He was 19. You told him off that night: “were done get out don’t talk to me.” He goes to a party and has a sexual encounter with a woman. Then he doesn’t tell you about it for a year although you asked him, many times. At 20, he tells you.
My problem with him not telling you about that night for a year is that that year should have ben extended to a lifetime. He should never have told you. Really, you had no rights on him that night. He committed no crime, not legally and not otherwise.
You wrote again and again in your threads things similar to what you wrote above: “He is seriously a changed man”-
As if, once again, as if he committed a huge, enormous, massive, colossal, gigantic, gargantuan crime, when in reality he did nothing wrong.
Again: he did nothing wrong to you, not in having had the sexual encounter of that night and not in denying that he did for a whole year. And again: he was unwise to tell you about it at all.
You wrote: “He doesn’t even go out, doesn’t drink, dropped his fraternity, is an open book, gives me all his passwords, lets me ask the same questions 19323948 times without complaining…” My goodness, the poor guy.
Danielle, if he posted here with this story, I would recommend to him to end the relationship with you. He doesn’t deserve to suffer from your OCD. 19,232,948 (I know, not literally) is too many times to be interrogated about a crime he did not commit.
I know OCD. I know the distress. But listen, if you will, Danielle: if you don’t attend therapy, have mercy on the guy and let him go. Don’t continue to inflict your OCD on him. Stop punishing him for… a crime he did not commit.
anitaJune 19, 2017 at 7:59 am #153962
May I add, yes, anita is correct: Technically he did nothing wrong.
But intellectually knowing something is OK is different from feeling socked in the gut by it. Maybe in a few years your thought “It was fine. He was on a break” will jibe with feeling OK about it. But right now it’s really bothering you.
That in itself is a reason to break up with someone. And by the way, you don’t need a reason to break up with someone. You don’t need to see a shrink to convince yourself to go out with someone who is terrific (on paper).
Maybe do both of you a favor and take a break yourself. If it’s not the same, it’s not the same.
InkyJune 19, 2017 at 9:05 am #153982
You came on here for kindness, support, empathy and advice. None of us are “experts” in the field of Psychiatry, and I think it is rather dehumizanung and belittling to have labels thrown at you, when people do not know you personally. Maybe you have been diagnosed with some type of disorder, but it is not up to us, to keep bashing you with it.
You know what you have. One out of five people have mental illness, including me, and the last thing we want is to come on a board and have labels and belittling comments about our diagnosis thrown at us. That is only for a mental health professional, which none of us are. We should all practice kindness, love, empathy. People that come on this board are sometimes spiritually broken, and they need support and kindness, not humiliation and labels. Bashing people with labels and belittling and harshness can do more harm than good. Let’s be kind to one another.
Danielle, I think In your heart and gut you know the answers. And it has nothing to do with labels, but what you came on this board seeking advice for. Please keep us posted. I care!June 19, 2017 at 10:39 am #154006
Anita, I do very much agree that it’s not fair to him. But ultimately this is because of what he did so I can’t blame myself 100%, he has to deal with the issues he caused because of broken trust. I am happy to tell you that I made an appointment to see a therapist this Wednesday at noon! So hopefully we can figure out how to stop this.
Inky, I’ve known about this for a couple of months. At first I was shocked, then I accepted. I understood the situation, him, etc. Suddenly, I came back home for the summer and my anxiety has gotten a lot worse. It started one day when I found myself wanting to just flirt with a guy (again nothing wrong but my ocd and anxiety made me really overthink this) I talked to my boyfriend we were fine, but this is when I started I guess you can say a relationship OCD. I started constantly making sure I loved him, constantly googling, constantly asking myself do I care? Am I convincing myself, am I faking my feelings, do I deserve someone that was perfect from the beginning? That’s what consumes my mind constantly. Of course some times we have good days but I haven’t been too busy so I’ve been letting my mind really have all the time in the world to think and overthink.
This is my main problem, my mind tells me all these things, my fears tell me all these things, but they make me SICK to my stomach. I don’t want to leave my boyfriend, I love him. And truly I don’t think anyone is as good as him. Everyone is consntsly saying I need to find someone that loves me as much as he loves you. Everyone loves us, knowing what he did not one person has ever judged me they all have told me to stay and understand the situation (like Anita is saying it as), my own family has even told me that I shouldn’t leave over that etc. so when 50 people are pointing in one direction and everyone is seeing the light and truth to the entire situation and sees my boyfriend first hand with me, it’s hard for me to agree with you both and say ok leave him when I don’t want to… and no one ever tells me to, advises me to. It’s not that my boyfriend is perfect on paper, he is perfect to me in everyone’s eyes, even my own mother who knows every single detail of our relationship when it was down.
I think I have just had these OCD thoughts and tendencies for so long but never about something I CARE so much about that my brain is really struggling to make sense. Usually I get anxiety about everything that didn’t happen or might happen… not a relationship. I have never felt this way towards him, even when I found out!! I still loved him so much and we moved forward. I’m just in a RUT. And I don’t want to listen to my gut that’s based off all of fear and obsessive thoughts. I can tell myself if I were to end it with my boyfriend over my anxiety and feelings of distress, that would be the worst decision of my life. Because again, anxiety doesn’t last forever, but me losing him maybe moving on… all that lasts forever. I want him by my side for life, and I’m actually sorry that I’m putting him through this because I can’t figure out my emotions.June 19, 2017 at 10:41 am #154008
anita it’s funny because my grandma told me he should’ve never told me either, that he was so stupid to do so.June 19, 2017 at 10:59 am #154012
This Wednesday at noon! I am excited for you. I am also hoping that it will be a competent, capable therapist, as not all are. See to it that she/he understands anxiety and OCD and has experience working with people struggling with anxiety and OCD, this very combination. Ask him/her about a therapy plan made after the therapist gets to know you. The plan is what a professional therapist should prepare for a client and present the client with the plan.
You wrote above that you can’t blame yourself a 100%- well, it is not about blaming yourself, as far as I am concerned. It is about taking responsibility for what you need to heal and manage so it doesn’t cause you- and him- further suffering. You seeing a therapist is taking responsibility, and so, I commend you for making the appointment.
I hope to read from you following the appointment, or before.
anitaJune 19, 2017 at 11:49 am #154018
Yes I am very excited and hope I can put this all to rest. The way I think about it is, its me. These feelings are because I am doing this to myself, nothing he is doing. If it wasn’t because of this, it would be something else. I freak out now that I want to break up with him thinking that would relief this anxiety… but the truth is, then I would just be anxious that I broke up with him. And I would start obsessing about something else. I think I just need to get to the point where I realize this is an issue between me myself and I. And I need to work on fixing myself, and once I am anxiety free/in a better place mentally and I have a clear view that I WANT to break up, then maybe I will. But right now I think I am looking for ways that I can end my own anxiety and my brain tells me oh maybe breaking up will cause safety and take me away from this constant “fight or flight” response. I hope going to therapy we can work on the ways I can get some clarity. I also tell myself, if I knew the right thing to do was break up I would’ve done it by now and not have gotten this anxious and depressed thinking about it, but its because I know its not what I want to do that I get like this. Kinda like if someone has OCD thoughts to do bad things, they get anxious about it and give it attention because its NOT what they want to do. I find thinking back to my childhood with that incident with the film, I was looking for ways to relieve the anxiety and thought maybe lying about it would relieve it all, but in reality, if I lied, I would just get anxious about something else and it would be a never ending problem, I had to get to the root of the problem, which now I think… I actually have no idea what the root of the problem might me. Idk if its because this is the first time I have loved someone so much, had to put my entire trust into someone, idk if its just something simple and I am like this because ultimately I am picking my life partner….which is one of the biggest decisions we as humans have to make. I think its just all fear and uncertainty that is driving me to the edge.June 19, 2017 at 7:55 pm #154106
I think you are a very intelligent young woman. Unfortunately your anxiety cannot be located, analyzed and resolved with intelligence alone. The answers, the information you need is in your heart, the “emotional mind” as my therapist called it. To access the emotional mind, therapy with a competent, capable, empathetic therapist you can trust will do.
You are young. If you do good therapy, and work hard, you can make your life so much better soon enough. You’ve been suffering from anxiety/OCD for too long. Really, there is help for this and I do hope you get the help you need. You deserve to be well, to feel okay, to stop struggling.
Calm down best you can, take deep breaths, and look forward to the healing work you will be doing, I hope, in therapy and in between sessions (My therapist used to give me homework, audio meditations to listen to, handouts to read and answer…).
Your boyfriend, from all your accounts, reads like a good young man who loves you a whole lot. Rest in his arms, hush your thoughts, rest.
- This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by anita.