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Eliana

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  • #207739

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    Thank you for your kindness on the invitation for dinner. If I were closer, yes, I would accept. I want you to do something. I know you are having anxiety about not being with Debbie, which is very understandable. However, try to picture yourself with her now. I think you would be just as anxious. She is not the same person you are dreaming..thinking, hurting about. Not at all. I bet in 10 minutes after being with her, you would want to leave. Just think of different scenarios..would she be that same person you long for? Most likely not. People change, their personalities, moods, etc. They are no longer the people we used to know.

    Once, I wanted an ex back so bad. I could not stop thinking of him..but it was the idea of him, I was missing, The idea of us buying homes we looked at together, what we would name our children, where we would go on our honeymoon, etc. Finally, a friend arranged it where her husband knew him..and we just “hapoened” to meet out. We saw each other. I asked if I could talk to him..but you know what? Something was missing. The giddyness, butterflies, spark, emotional connection..anything. I wondered what I saw in him in the first place. So what I am saying is Debbie is not the same. You may not have that “spark” or anything..anything in common anymore. Would like to hear your thoughts..

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  Eliana.
    #205355

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Juna,

    I do feel his “ignoring” you is a red flag and should not be tolerated as that is a sign of disrespect toward you. I think healthy boundaries need to be put in place. He is ignoring you, while talking to other women online? Did I get that right? That would be a deal breaker for me. I would not tolerate rude or disrespectful treatment from a man. I would talk to him about his treatment..but you can’t fix him or make him change.

    It does not sound like you may be compatible perhaps, as you both have different styles of communication, and very much a lack of communication, with no boundaries in place and no healthy relationship can come from this. Do you think the both of you can look into therapy with boundaries, ways of coping, communication strategies, with a qualified therapist? Reads to me, that he is busy having fun being on the internet talking to women and not ready to settle down at this time. x

    #205351

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Tom,

    Are you just looking for advice from one particular person? I’m a bit confused. I wanted to respond to this thread, but did not want to intrude, as you seem to be addressing just one person in particular. I hope things are going better for you, and wish the the best in things.

    #205345

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    They say there is a “fine line” between love and hate. I don’t know, just wanted to touch on some things. Do you think you are thinking of Debbie, because it brings you Some type of excitement? Stimulation? Sonetimes, when our life becomes stagnant, and we don’t have enough things to occupy our time, or we are unhappy with our lives, our mind tends to wander about the past, good or bad memories about someone. You can try, and try, but unless you find something else to distract you, Debbie might be your main focus for a while, whether it may be explained as “needing closure” “hatred” “dreams” anything, our minds our constantly wanting some kind of stimulation, and so you are feeding it with all sorts of thoughts of Debbie.

    You have to find ways to occupy your time, such as finding purpose in your life, a passion, a fulfilling job, hobbies, New friends, etc. It will give your mind something new to grab on to, and soon you will not be thinking of Debbie as much. Can you think of anything such as something you have always wanted to do..maybe going back to school..learning something new..finding a purpose is usually a panacea for our troubles, and that in itself will help you move forward. I don’t think you really “hate” Debbie, but life has become stagnant, and then our minds are on autopilot looking for some type of stimulation..anything..the trick is to distract yourself..with finding purpose for your life..

    #205175

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    She has treated you badly for so long, over and over, it’s time just to let her go now. She is not at the level where she can be “reasoned” with or “have closure with” and will only bring you further pain. You have already had closure. Her hurting you over and over and now her blocking you. She does not want to talk to you. Please..you have to let her go..or you will make yourself bitter, and it will consume you to no end. Thinking and dwelling about how awful she treated you will not do you any good. Talking to her is pointless. She doesn’t want to. Why waste time with someone who does not want to talk to you. Just try to learn from it, and grieve, and in time you will find a loving and stable woman you deserve. Take good care.

     

     

    #204755

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Haley,

    Yes, I understand very well. What your mother did in a way of her Alcoholic behavior was made you feel insignificant, like you were not special, or did not matter..or have a place of belonging. This brings along in our adult relationships when we are left crippling anxiety..because again..we feel the same pain as children. When your ex “texted” you, it made you feel you did not matter, not special enough to be broken up with in person..so you are trying to get the answers from your ex, that you actually wanted from your mother.

    Why didn’t you come and pick me up from my friends?” Why did you give me inconsistent messages (like your ex seeming so caring at first, than suddenly becoming so cold) much like our authority figures. Then you were just “left alone” in front of a TV..much like I was, but I was locked in a bathroom…or when I would reach out to my Mom..she would at first reach out..change her mind, and say “go away, and run along now”. So, when I perceive the slightest hint of perceived rejection from a boyfriend, I will give him the silent treatment, or passive aggressive, or do anything for him not to “leave me”. Even if the relationship is a toxic one. It’s all anxiety related stemming from childhood, and I continue to stay in Psychotherapy from the severe trauma endured. I have my times of very healthy relationships when I stay in therapy, but when I am not in therapy, I go back to my poor coping skills and defense mechanisms I had as a child that No longer work for me. I have also had to read several self-help books on this issue, that has really shed some light on my behaviors with loved ones. I continue to heal and stay in therapy and use my experiences to help others. Which is why I open up alot about my childhood, as I feel it can be of benefit to others. x

    #204729

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Haley,

    I know very well anxiety. I had it and severe depression (even being in counseling and meds) for years over an ex. I think this is due to “abandonment” issues I had as a child. Perhaps separation anxiety. Did you experience any type of abandonment, rejection, or someone leaving you with no explanation as a child? I did. Over, and over..by several people I loved.

    Unfortunately this resurfaces in my adult life when someone ghosts me whether it is online, a short term or long term relationship, the ending of a friendship for no known reason..a sense of betrayal. Even for whatever reason a co-worker stops speaking to me. I want answers, the anxiety to go away asap. However, the answers sometimes never come. I dwell and dwell..the “what if’s” “if only I had done this or that better, he/she wouldn’t have left me”..it’s coming from a wounded child within..the child who never received love from a severely emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic mother..who would leave us alone for days, fire our nanny, and go on drinking binges. The wounded child of seeing her father leaving on his business trips 4 days a week, grabbing on to him..begging him not to leave (he did not know my mother would “get even” by firing the Nanny who loved us). The pain of the Nanny leaving us and the sadness in her eyes while my mother was screaming and throwing beer bottles. The pain of being separated from my six siblings..then again..the pain..rejection of being left at a boarding school at the age of 16, while I was lied to by the people I was raised with..saying we “were driving to Florida for vacation”. The pain of sitting on my suitcase in the middle of the sidewalk..no explanations..

    I don’t think you will unfortunately find the answers you want. If may have had nothing to do with you. Just know that you have your own closure by e-mailing him and asking why? And getting the closure back by knowing he took the cowards way out. Give yourself even more closure by knowing even if he would come back to you..would you want him back? A coward? A narcissist? What if he did this again? You certainly do not want a broken heart again. This can be your closure. Even if he gave you an explanation..would it be the truth? Would you even want an explanation from someone who goes as far as to block you? I know I would not want this for my life. At first, yes, I would want closure, but when someone blocks me, that is extremely cowardly, and that is where I draw the line, and right there is closure. I would stop caring why they broke up with me in the first place. If you are still feeling overwhelmed with anxious thoughts, just observe the thoughts, but don’t become them, they are only thoughts, fleeting, temporary..soon..these thoughts..Will be less and less as time goes by. One day you will go about your day and think “wow! I have not thought about him in two days now” and it only gets better. Be patient with yourself and the healing process. x

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  Eliana.
    #204641

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubun,

    I’m not getting a good feeling about all this, but know you are doing what you think is best. I worry about the children. I do hope you will post again, with any updates. I wish you happiness on your new journey.

    #204639

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Ash,

    This is great news! So good to hear from you again. x

    #204187

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    I’m happy to hear about the charities. That will help you focus on something and give you purpose as well as making a difference. This is very good news. However, I am confused by your post. Are you staying with your wife? Or going back to Debbie? Sorry for any confusion..are you saying you are working things out with your wife?

    #203989

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    I know it is alot easier said than done trying to let go of the anger, as I have been there many times. I just am concerned about what the stress of holding on to it might do to your health. There has to be some way to be able to cope with these intense emotions. For me, it has been mood regulation medication, DBT (mindfulness) therapy and my 12 step support program. Called “Emotions Anonymous”. I live in a small town, no face to face meetings, so I do phone groups twice a week. These have been a Godsend to me, in managing my emotions, almost better than therapy. The people are so kind, warm and loving, and make you feel welcomed, like you belong and accepted. It will in time feel like a 2nd home to you. Some people choose a sponsor to work the 12 steps, some don’t. I did have a sponsor until step 4, but with health problems, could not keep up with her homework assigments. Still the phone groups, have been amazing. They have a website of you want to look to see if they have face to face meetings in your area, if not, phone groups. It’s emotions Anonymous dot org. There is some literature, though it is not a requirement. My sponsor was like a mentor and “life coach” I really miss her and our talks. You can also find times of phone meetings on there. They have meetings during the days and evenings and weekends. Some have 12 people with a moderator, some 25 people who call in all over the world.

    Another helpful resource is a pastor..or a support group of some kind. I hope this helps a little.

    #203939

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    I don’t feel it is wrong in any way to feel intense emotion and in a way it can be healthy. However, my Dad, who was a very wise man said that it is when we let anger (resentment, guilt, envy, shame) keep a hold of us for a length of time it eats away at our insides. It makes us cynical, bitter people. Who wants to go around in life holding onto anger when there is so much beauty in this world that we are losing out on, when we are holding onto feelings that are no longer serving a purpose? You have been holding onto this anger for quite a long time, and it has got a grip on you, it has to have a place to go, or it will eat away at you. Don’t you want to see what is right around the corner? When we are holding onto anger and other feelings that No longer benefit us, we fail to see what might be right in front of us. Sometimes we just have to tell anger “okay anger, I have had enough of you!! I have been holding onto you too long. Write a letter, don’t mail it..just get it out once and for all, or it will poison you, and make you very cynical. I know people who like my Dad said have harbored anger and grudges so long, they are no longer the people they used to be. No one wants to be around an angry person all the time. Yes, anger is good, but up to a point, but when you let it fester, and fester, it will slowly eat away at you. It’s not healthy. You have been unhappy and angry too long. That is why I feel that you would benefit from help and guidance from a counseled trained in this. It’s time to let go of something that has gotten a hold of us for way too long, so I will have to respectfully disagree with the poster above. I hope everything works out for you, and you can find that special someone, but unless the anger goes, you will not find beauty, only bitterness. No one should live like this. Take care of yourself and your health..

    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Eliana.
    #203935

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi xxx,

    I’m sorry for my delay in reading your post. Have been hospitalized as of late. It’s been a tough two years. I wanted to check on you to see how you are doing? Your post had me concerned. I hope you will write again if you are up to it. I hope you are feeling somewhat better?

    #203835

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    I do remember this post now, and remember reading at that time with interest. I did not respond, as it would have been a late response to that thread, and you had received a lot of great advice. However, I am a bit confused, as that thread left or concluded with you thought that you knew that things with Debbie were not going to work out and you seemed fine, almost relieved of that..so now into this thread, you are experiencing a great deal of pain, anger and unable to sleep and just trying to figure things out. I thought you were okay with things being “over” with her.

    In your last post, you are very angry saying she has placed you on “low priority” but in reading your prior posts from February this is how she has always treated you. I do believe she (like you mentioned) has some type of mental health issue that has not been resolved, making it impossible to give you, what she is unable. Please don’t be angry. She is in need of Psychotherapy, medication, etc..and not getting what she needs to have any type of close relationship with anyone at this time. Please don’t be angry with her. It will serve no purpose or healing on your part, and keep you stuck in this cycle of “she is good” “she is bad” thinking. It may be time to perhaps seek quality Therapy for these deep intense emotions you are experiencing.

    #203783

    Eliana
    Participant

    Did not submit properly..

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 745 total)