Hi VLC90,

You mentioned several things about your ex..you said you felt he was “unkind to people” which to me would be a game changer..you also mentioned no timeline, so even if you did get back with him, the old feelings of frustration would come back. You also mentioned sex was very selfish, which I don’t quite know what is meant by that, and that you felt something was missing. He now is lonely and having 2nd thoughts, but how has he changed? What steps has he taken to change and get better..has he had counseling sessions? Just some things to ponder..x

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Victor,

I think he may just need a friend. Sometimes people will make up “white lies” in order to make themselves appear more interesting. I myself have probably done it..as many people, but we can’t judge them as “being selfish” just know his quirks without judge ment or analyzing. Or you may tell him your feelings, that you really enjoy a friendship with him, but your values are those of truth..and if he is a true friend..he will know you will not put up with his lying. Maybe he is not even aware he is lying or trying to hurt you. If this is something you know you can’t accept..maybe just have him as an acquaintance. They always say..we only really need one or two real friends in life..for example if I mistakenly get put in jail..who will bail me out at 3am? If you can name one person who would do this..then this is truly a blessing and gift. True friends are very hard to find. Try to enjoy him..but don’t take it or him so seriously where you could cut someone entirely out of our lives. If we cut someone imperfect off with one or two human imperfections, we will have a lonely life. Hope this helps..

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Abubin,

Thank you for your kindness on the invitation for dinner. If I were closer, yes, I would accept. I want you to do something. I know you are having anxiety about not being with Debbie, which is very understandable. However, try to picture yourself with her now. I think you would be just as anxious. She is not the same person you are dreaming..thinking, hurting about. Not at all. I bet in 10 minutes after being with her, you would want to leave. Just think of different scenarios..would she be that same person you long for? Most likely not. People change, their personalities, moods, etc. They are no longer the people we used to know.

Once, I wanted an ex back so bad. I could not stop thinking of him..but it was the idea of him, I was missing, The idea of us buying homes we looked at together, what we would name our children, where we would go on our honeymoon, etc. Finally, a friend arranged it where her husband knew him..and we just “hapoened” to meet out. We saw each other. I asked if I could talk to him..but you know what? Something was missing. The giddyness, butterflies, spark, emotional connection..anything. I wondered what I saw in him in the first place. So what I am saying is Debbie is not the same. You may not have that “spark” or anything..anything in common anymore. Would like to hear your thoughts..

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Tom,

Are you just looking for advice from one particular person? I’m a bit confused. I wanted to respond to this thread, but did not want to intrude, as you seem to be addressing just one person in particular. I hope things are going better for you, and wish the the best in things.

Hi Abubin,

She has treated you badly for so long, over and over, it’s time just to let her go now. She is not at the level where she can be “reasoned” with or “have closure with” and will only bring you further pain. You have already had closure. Her hurting you over and over and now her blocking you. She does not want to talk to you. Please..you have to let her go..or you will make yourself bitter, and it will consume you to no end. Thinking and dwelling about how awful she treated you will not do you any good. Talking to her is pointless. She doesn’t want to. Why waste time with someone who does not want to talk to you. Just try to learn from it, and grieve, and in time you will find a loving and stable woman you deserve. Take good care.

Hi Haley,

I know very well anxiety. I had it and severe depression (even being in counseling and meds) for years over an ex. I think this is due to “abandonment” issues I had as a child. Perhaps separation anxiety. Did you experience any type of abandonment, rejection, or someone leaving you with no explanation as a child? I did. Over, and over..by several people I loved.

Unfortunately this resurfaces in my adult life when someone ghosts me whether it is online, a short term or long term relationship, the ending of a friendship for no known reason..a sense of betrayal. Even for whatever reason a co-worker stops speaking to me. I want answers, the anxiety to go away asap. However, the answers sometimes never come. I dwell and dwell..the “what if’s” “if only I had done this or that better, he/she wouldn’t have left me”..it’s coming from a wounded child within..the child who never received love from a severely emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic mother..who would leave us alone for days, fire our nanny, and go on drinking binges. The wounded child of seeing her father leaving on his business trips 4 days a week, grabbing on to him..begging him not to leave (he did not know my mother would “get even” by firing the Nanny who loved us). The pain of the Nanny leaving us and the sadness in her eyes while my mother was screaming and throwing beer bottles. The pain of being separated from my six siblings..then again..the pain..rejection of being left at a boarding school at the age of 16, while I was lied to by the people I was raised with..saying we “were driving to Florida for vacation”. The pain of sitting on my suitcase in the middle of the sidewalk..no explanations..

I don’t think you will unfortunately find the answers you want. If may have had nothing to do with you. Just know that you have your own closure by e-mailing him and asking why? And getting the closure back by knowing he took the cowards way out. Give yourself even more closure by knowing even if he would come back to you..would you want him back? A coward? A narcissist? What if he did this again? You certainly do not want a broken heart again. This can be your closure. Even if he gave you an explanation..would it be the truth? Would you even want an explanation from someone who goes as far as to block you? I know I would not want this for my life. At first, yes, I would want closure, but when someone blocks me, that is extremely cowardly, and that is where I draw the line, and right there is closure. I would stop caring why they broke up with me in the first place. If you are still feeling overwhelmed with anxious thoughts, just observe the thoughts, but don’t become them, they are only thoughts, fleeting, temporary..soon..these thoughts..Will be less and less as time goes by. One day you will go about your day and think “wow! I have not thought about him in two days now” and it only gets better. Be patient with yourself and the healing process. x

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Ash,

This is great news! So good to hear from you again. x