- This topic has 43 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.
April 24, 2018 at 7:14 pm #203939
I don’t feel it is wrong in any way to feel intense emotion and in a way it can be healthy. However, my Dad, who was a very wise man said that it is when we let anger (resentment, guilt, envy, shame) keep a hold of us for a length of time it eats away at our insides. It makes us cynical, bitter people. Who wants to go around in life holding onto anger when there is so much beauty in this world that we are losing out on, when we are holding onto feelings that are no longer serving a purpose? You have been holding onto this anger for quite a long time, and it has got a grip on you, it has to have a place to go, or it will eat away at you. Don’t you want to see what is right around the corner? When we are holding onto anger and other feelings that No longer benefit us, we fail to see what might be right in front of us. Sometimes we just have to tell anger “okay anger, I have had enough of you!! I have been holding onto you too long. Write a letter, don’t mail it..just get it out once and for all, or it will poison you, and make you very cynical. I know people who like my Dad said have harbored anger and grudges so long, they are no longer the people they used to be. No one wants to be around an angry person all the time. Yes, anger is good, but up to a point, but when you let it fester, and fester, it will slowly eat away at you. It’s not healthy. You have been unhappy and angry too long. That is why I feel that you would benefit from help and guidance from a counseled trained in this. It’s time to let go of something that has gotten a hold of us for way too long, so I will have to respectfully disagree with the poster above. I hope everything works out for you, and you can find that special someone, but unless the anger goes, you will not find beauty, only bitterness. No one should live like this. Take care of yourself and your health..
April 25, 2018 at 2:11 am #203961RegiParticipant
- This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Eliana.
When trying to lucid dream you repeat a specific sentence over and over again in your head. While doing this you imagine waking up and remembering your dream. You also focus on visualizing dreams you’ve once had. You also count the times you repeat the specific sentence. Doing all this you won’t have time to think about other things. And the next day you will probably remember what you’ve dreamed. In stead of waking up and starting your day with a negative thought, you think: “Wow, this dream was intense!”
This is probably not a helpfull tip for you, I’m sorry :/ I only wanted to share this because this technique helps me very often.
Good luck abubin, I wish you the bestApril 25, 2018 at 3:27 am #203973
Thanks for all the advices. I know I should not hold on to the anger. It is a buddha’s teaching not to hold anger or grudges as it will eat away a person from inside. However, I am sure a lot of people know that saying it is easier than done. I have to get her out of my mind. Starting to pack up things that she gave me. Some gifts that I bought her which I didn’t have the chance to give her. I do think I didn’t get a proper closure to this relationship. It’s really frustrating. At the same time, I know I have to move on.
I’ll take things one step at a time. Luckily, I have colleagues around to talk about useless stuffs to get my mind off her. However, do anyone of you think it is good idea to talk to someone about this other than my therapist? I have stopped going to the therapist as I do not feel it is helping. I did spoke about this affair to a female friend but all she does is give me standard advice that is not helpful.
Everyday, I am telling myself that life must go on. I see someone on the street and tell myself life goes on for him/her, it should go on for me too.April 25, 2018 at 3:47 am #203977AnonymousGuest
How are your children? I don’t remember if you have one or more. Are you available to them, have you been available to them through this time of being focused on this woman?
Please focus on your responsibility as a father, not only the financial responsibility but the emotional responsibility.
I think that your focus and anger regarding this woman is less about her and more about your unlived life, the loveless status of your marriage, your boredom, lack of passion, unfulfilling work life, the failure of the business you started some time ago.
Find a passion, perhaps being an emotionally involved father, and some of that anger may lessen.
anitaApril 25, 2018 at 5:03 am #203989
I know it is alot easier said than done trying to let go of the anger, as I have been there many times. I just am concerned about what the stress of holding on to it might do to your health. There has to be some way to be able to cope with these intense emotions. For me, it has been mood regulation medication, DBT (mindfulness) therapy and my 12 step support program. Called “Emotions Anonymous”. I live in a small town, no face to face meetings, so I do phone groups twice a week. These have been a Godsend to me, in managing my emotions, almost better than therapy. The people are so kind, warm and loving, and make you feel welcomed, like you belong and accepted. It will in time feel like a 2nd home to you. Some people choose a sponsor to work the 12 steps, some don’t. I did have a sponsor until step 4, but with health problems, could not keep up with her homework assigments. Still the phone groups, have been amazing. They have a website of you want to look to see if they have face to face meetings in your area, if not, phone groups. It’s emotions Anonymous dot org. There is some literature, though it is not a requirement. My sponsor was like a mentor and “life coach” I really miss her and our talks. You can also find times of phone meetings on there. They have meetings during the days and evenings and weekends. Some have 12 people with a moderator, some 25 people who call in all over the world.
Another helpful resource is a pastor..or a support group of some kind. I hope this helps a little.April 26, 2018 at 1:54 am #204181
Thanks for your concern about my children. I am still fulfilling my job as a father to my children which I love a lot. Even if I am leaving them for her, which we have talked about. She said to make sure that I tell my children that I am not abandoning them. That I am still their father and will fulfill my commitment to them.
Thanks for the suggestions. Unfortunately, in a developing country what I am living in, helps like you mentioned are not easily available or does not come cheap. What I am thinking of doing is volunteering for charities. Even doing charities are suggested by her previously. She like doing charities. You see..my life is all tangled by her presence no matter what I do or where I go.April 26, 2018 at 4:17 am #204187
I’m happy to hear about the charities. That will help you focus on something and give you purpose as well as making a difference. This is very good news. However, I am confused by your post. Are you staying with your wife? Or going back to Debbie? Sorry for any confusion..are you saying you are working things out with your wife?April 26, 2018 at 4:59 am #204191AnonymousGuest
You wrote: “Even if I am leaving them (your children) for her (Debbie)… She (Debbie) said to make sure that I tell my children that I am not abandoning them. That I am still their father”-
Did I get the pronouns correct, in parentheses? The plan was to leave your children behind in your developing country, but tell them that you are not abandoning them, that is, that you will be in touch via letters and such… and send them some money, did I understand correctly?
anitaApril 27, 2018 at 2:37 am #204471
You got the parentheses right. I am referring to Debbie when I said “she”. We had this conversation when we started our relationship. So it is a past tense which no longer is relevant when I am no longer with her.
What I am trying to say is even if I do leave my family, I will not just abandon my children and stop communicating with them. I will try to continue to fulfill being a father. Talk to them via conference or pay for their tuition and so on. Not like ceasing all communications with them and leaving them for good which is not something I can do to my children. Love them dearly. Anyway, this is a past now. I will just need to suck it up. Thanks for listening to me. It really helps to make things better.
Sleeping at night is still not easy. I have this internal clock in me that will make me wake up in the middle of the night. Like around 5am. That’s because during the time when I was still with Debbie, I would wake up early to text with her before she go to work. I will wish her “a good day” every morning. Now it is build into me and I just naturally wake up early morning. Sometimes I barely sleep 3 hours.April 27, 2018 at 2:49 am #204475AnonymousGuest
Even though I am not communicating with your children, never met them, never will, I still think of their well-being and wish they didn’t suffer from your struggles, past and present. I wish they didn’t pay the price for your misery in your marriage and from your affair. I wish so, but children do pay the price, unfortunately. Please protect them best you can from your suffering and attend to them kindly.
Do post anytime you would like to express yourself. I believe I understand being-stuck-in-misery, which is how I see your situation. I sure hope you find hope, a way to get somewhat un-stuck.
anitaApril 28, 2018 at 8:28 am #204641
I’m not getting a good feeling about all this, but know you are doing what you think is best. I worry about the children. I do hope you will post again, with any updates. I wish you happiness on your new journey.April 28, 2018 at 4:22 pm #204655davey boiParticipant
I can’t speak to what is right or wrong for you. What I believe is that if you are honest with yourself and choose to follow your honest feelings, you better prepare yourself to enjoy the time and relationships you have. If you want to pursue Debbie, give it a shot. If you want to support and encourage your children, go for it. Both things can be done to the extent you want if you spend the time and effort to make it happen.
My dad and I live half a country apart, so we scheduled a weekly time to have a phone call to try to keep in touch. It was a bit awkward and short at first, especially since we haven’t had a perfect relationship, but we both dedicated the time and effort to plan for it and make it happen. I took a few risks expressing deeply personal information about myself, and he listened and reciprocated. I didn’t know what would happen if I confided in him, but now I do and it has been worth it.
I agree with several of the above comments regarding the negative emotions you’re facing. They feel bad and likely won’t help you or motivate you to be who you want. But they are there, they are problems, and they have solutions. What may help is listening to them and trying to understand where they come from and why. Are there particular memories that continually pop into your head? This thread began with your inability to sleep because you couldn’t stop thinking about Debbie, and you’ve mentioned you are conditioned to waking up early to text with her. If you feel comfortable expressing it, what kind of pain do you feel in moments like these?May 1, 2018 at 2:00 pm #205171
Sorry if it’s confusing. Debbie and I are no longer in communications. She has blocked me. I feel that she is unreasonable and unrespectful for going this. It is a really mean thing too do and I think she is ‘punishing’ me for ruin her holiday and this time it’s for real. When I said that I will take up to wish her ‘good day’, that was in the past when we were still together. I can’t text her anymore as she has blocked me. I don’t intend to a anyway. She treated me like dirt and that I can’t accept. However, I really want to talk it out with her on our relationship and things that happened. I want at least a closure. I do not like things to be hanging like this. There is this hole in my heart that need to be plugged. Enough life move on, she still keeps popping into me mind very often. I am trying very hard to keep it at minimum.
As for my children, I am still doing my part as a father. I know they will be affected the most even when my relationship with Debbie had ended. I will make sure they are provided for financially and mentally.
I really need to forget her. It is eating into me everyday. I also feel like i am being mean or vengeful to hope that she get what she deserved. I sometimes hope that she get treated badly and that she realize how good I was to her and she didn’t appreciate it. Know it’s not nice to have these thoughts. Whatever, good or bad, I need to stop myself from having these thoughts. It’s frustrating.May 1, 2018 at 2:11 pm #205173
Sorry for the typos. Can’t edit them and using mobile phone.May 1, 2018 at 2:12 pm #205175
She has treated you badly for so long, over and over, it’s time just to let her go now. She is not at the level where she can be “reasoned” with or “have closure with” and will only bring you further pain. You have already had closure. Her hurting you over and over and now her blocking you. She does not want to talk to you. Please..you have to let her go..or you will make yourself bitter, and it will consume you to no end. Thinking and dwelling about how awful she treated you will not do you any good. Talking to her is pointless. She doesn’t want to. Why waste time with someone who does not want to talk to you. Just try to learn from it, and grieve, and in time you will find a loving and stable woman you deserve. Take good care.