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how to forget her when trying to sleep?

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  • #205219
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear abubin:

    A bit about reality: you live in Malaysia, which you referred to as “an undeveloped country”. You are 45. Three years ago you lost all your savings in a failed business attempt. You are married with children  but have no love interest  in your wife.

    Then this woman showed up in your life last year, a woman who lives  in Australia, a developed country, a woman with some financial means. She showed  up into your life with a story: like you, she was born in Malaysia, growing up close to you, being in love with you (you didn’t know) since she was a very young girl. She dreamed of you, believing you are her destiny, for thirty years she had this dream of  you. And then she appeared in your life and  the two of you met for the first time in adulthood September last year.

    The two dreams met: her  dream of  a thirty years unmaterialized love story materializing and your dream of moving to a developed country and having a love relationship, passion.

    And passion there was for the two of  you, for a little while. You exchanged rings in a private marriage-like (the two of  you, in reality, are  married to other people, with children). You talked about moving to New Zealand, it being easier than moving to Australia, and  living there with her.

    In this short relationship with this woman, Debbie, there were quarrels from the very beginning and throughout. There really never was a  meeting-of-the-heart-and-minds. There were two dreams that didn’t come true, not for you, not for her.

    And so, she  is back to her reality, an unsatisfying marriage in Australia and you are back to your reality, an unsatisfying marriage in Malaysia. And poor finances.

    Now what, abubin?

    anita

    #205321
    abubin
    Participant

    Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to get back to her. The reason for posting this is trying to get help to forget her. I know there is no future for Debbie and me.

    I want to let her go but it is really hard. She always pops up in my mind especially when I sleep. Like I said, I do want to forget her. I do not know how to stop her from popping into my mind when I am sleeping, driving, eating and so on. Like example, while I am driving, I will be thinking about her or something we did and all of a sudden I realize I am thinking about her. I will tell myself to stop it but eventually it will happen again when I am eating and especially when I sleep.

    I just thought if I had a conversation with her for a proper closure, it will get my mind off her for good. If you guys think it doesn’t help then it’s fine. I just want to rid her from my mind. I even tried thinking all the bad things she has done to me and make me hate her. That helps a bit but holding hatred is bad and consuming. Should I just have that hatred for a while and then learn to let go of that hatred once I am able to let go of her?

    #205343
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear abubin:

    As you experienced yourself, we can’t order our brain to not think about anything it thinks about. It just cannot be done. So better not try yet again to accomplish what is not possible to accomplish.

    Neither can we order our brain to feel this and not feel that. That too is not possible. Better not try again to accomplish what is not possible to accomplish.

    When you notice you think about her, don’t get alarmed, as if something unexpected just happened. And then don’t be angry at yourself for thinking about her yet again. Don’t be angry at yourself for not being able to do what no human can do (to not think about this or that)

    Recognize the thought and … think to yourself (you can choose to insert a thought): this is a Debbie thought. Then with imaginary scissors cut that thought short. See if it works. Maybe sometimes it will work. You cut the thought short. When it returns again, say the same thing and do another cutting or distract- put your focus on something else for a moment.

    Allow yourself to feel anything that you feel. Don’t fight your feelings. Choose your behavior thoughtfully, allow the feelings to be, to come and go and be what they are.

    anita

    #205345
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    They say there is a “fine line” between love and hate. I don’t know, just wanted to touch on some things. Do you think you are thinking of Debbie, because it brings you Some type of excitement? Stimulation? Sonetimes, when our life becomes stagnant, and we don’t have enough things to occupy our time, or we are unhappy with our lives, our mind tends to wander about the past, good or bad memories about someone. You can try, and try, but unless you find something else to distract you, Debbie might be your main focus for a while, whether it may be explained as “needing closure” “hatred” “dreams” anything, our minds our constantly wanting some kind of stimulation, and so you are feeding it with all sorts of thoughts of Debbie.

    You have to find ways to occupy your time, such as finding purpose in your life, a passion, a fulfilling job, hobbies, New friends, etc. It will give your mind something new to grab on to, and soon you will not be thinking of Debbie as much. Can you think of anything such as something you have always wanted to do..maybe going back to school..learning something new..finding a purpose is usually a panacea for our troubles, and that in itself will help you move forward. I don’t think you really “hate” Debbie, but life has become stagnant, and then our minds are on autopilot looking for some type of stimulation..anything..the trick is to distract yourself..with finding purpose for your life..

    #207589
    abubin
    Participant

    I have been trying for the past few weeks. I can mostly function like normal. Work does keep my mind occupied and other hobbies. However, there will be times when I will be alone. Resting my mind. Especially when I drive and when I sleep. I think I have build this subconscious into me during the time when I was with Debbie. Driving and sleeping was when I am really excited about and thinking about her. So after the breakup, this subconscious is still lingering. Anyway, thanks for all the advises I know I have to stop thinking about her and that we are no longer getting back. I tell myself this everyday.

    It’s really hard. This hole in my heart will never be filled. I just need to get used to it.

    Life goes on no matter what.

    Oh BTW, I am still waking up every night. Sometimes 2am, sometimes 5am and so on. Sometimes getting back to sleep is hard. Sometimes because of a dream that I know is subconsciously about her. Due to lack of sleep sometimes I am cranky. Now my sleep cycle is screwed up. I sleep late so that I don’t wake up in the middle of the night. I know I have to overcome this myself. Really appreciate you all for “listening” to my rant.

    #207611
    abubin
    Participant

    It felt so bad knowing she has blocked me completely. How can someone be so heartless? The things that you say when you are in love does not mean anything anymore? I am sorry, I have never had a failed relationship before so it is all something new to me. Something that is really hard for me to swallow. Probably the reason why I am feeling this way.

     

    #207619
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear abubin:

    You wrote that you “have never had a failed relationship before so is all something new to me”- but you did have a failed relationship before, same as the present one, the one with your wife. Do you want to talk about this one, why has it failed and why is there no hope for it?

    anita

    #207623
    abubin
    Participant

    I am hit with sudden anxiety. I think the feeling of not being with Debbie anymore is sinking in. Heart is beating fast and breathing is getting difficult. I think I will be fine. Need to get it really sinked in.

    As for relationship with my wife. That is another story. I am trying get rid of Debbie from my mind and then try to see if I can salvage my relationship with my wife. I don’t want to think about that at this moment. Maybe in a few months when my emotions are more stable.

    Thanks Anita, you are awesome!

    #207627
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear abubin:

    You are welcome. I remember early in the thread you mentioned fate, the word fate (am I remembering correctly), that you believed like Debbie expressed to you, that you and her were fated to be together? That love between the two of you was meant to be, and that is why she loved you when the two of you were children and she thought of you for decades while being away from you…

    You don’t believe in fate anymore, do you?

    anita

     

     

    #207637
    abubin
    Participant

    I do still believe in fate. That how I met Debbie or my wife are all fate. But fate can only do so much. The rest is up to decisions from the people involved. In that sense, Debbie made the decision to abandon this relationship and continue the life she have now. That’s her decision. I will have to accept that. That fate somehow brought me to this forum and found you to advice me. In that sense, you are forever in my gratitude. If we ever get to meet in person, I would give you a friendly hug and buy you dinner. Or anyone who have given me advises like Eliana and Mark and others (sorry I am bad with remembering names).

    #207647
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear abubin:

    I accept your offer to buy me dinner and just enjoyed it as I imagined it taking place. Thank you.

    You believe in fate, then, fate that is not all powerful. People can allow fate to take place or reject it and then, it doesn’t take place. It is up to people’s choices then, what happens and what does not happen.

    anita

     

    #207739
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Abubin,

    Thank you for your kindness on the invitation for dinner. If I were closer, yes, I would accept. I want you to do something. I know you are having anxiety about not being with Debbie, which is very understandable. However, try to picture yourself with her now. I think you would be just as anxious. She is not the same person you are dreaming..thinking, hurting about. Not at all. I bet in 10 minutes after being with her, you would want to leave. Just think of different scenarios..would she be that same person you long for? Most likely not. People change, their personalities, moods, etc. They are no longer the people we used to know.

    Once, I wanted an ex back so bad. I could not stop thinking of him..but it was the idea of him, I was missing, The idea of us buying homes we looked at together, what we would name our children, where we would go on our honeymoon, etc. Finally, a friend arranged it where her husband knew him..and we just “hapoened” to meet out. We saw each other. I asked if I could talk to him..but you know what? Something was missing. The giddyness, butterflies, spark, emotional connection..anything. I wondered what I saw in him in the first place. So what I am saying is Debbie is not the same. You may not have that “spark” or anything..anything in common anymore. Would like to hear your thoughts..

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Eliana.
    #207883
    abubin
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I do realize fate is not all. Most of the time, decisions of the person is what determined the outcome. That part I have no problem with. Because I strongly believe my life is up to me to carve out. That is the reason why I put in so much effort to be with Debbie because I know, it is up to us as a couple to carve out our path. When she show signs that she is not into it anymore, that is why I suggested the break-up. There is no point anymore for me to fight a one-sided relationship.

    Hi Eliana,

    There are 2 sides to her. Most of the time she will be this serious cold hearted woman which I really dislike. Sometimes she will be this little girl who open her heart to me. Guess I love one but not the other. I am now imagining with the cold hearted lady and I really dislike that. She always over-analyze things and I think she realize she has no future with me. After all, women needs security and she don’t see me providing her that. I knew about this all along that is why I am willing to sacrifice myself for her. Even though I do have a decent job, and is making decent money to have a decent living, apparently it is still not enough for her. In the beginning, when she was still in her “fantasies”, she said she didn’t mind starting all over again but apparently she mind.

    Anyway, coming back to imagining being with her now, especially the cold hearted Debbie, I am not looking forward to that. Then again, I am also very attracted to her beauty which is why I miss her so much. She is the type when she walk into a room, she commands attention. One of my colleague said, she is too hot for me! 🙂

    Read something online where they did a survey and showed that women want security from men and men want beautiful women! LOL..that is spot on in my case.

    Hahaha…I need to find humour in everything. I am okay when I am at work because I am surrounded by good friends. Just when I am alone, my mind starts wondering and missing her. I know I will miss her for the rest of my life and I should learn to live with it. Even though she treated me badly and especially how she ended the relationship by blocking me and not even saying proper goodbyes. I am actually a fun person and I always say the darnedest things to create humour among my colleagues. I am actually living a decent average income life and I can afford most things in life. Not luxurious but decent enough.

    Am I blabbling again? Hahaha..to think that I am an introvert and don’t really talk a lot in real life, I sure do type a lot online!

     

    #207933
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear abubin:

    I agree with your statement: “There is no point anymore for me to fight a one-sided relationship”. I hope you will soon completely and let go of the hope of this dream/ fantasy/failed…fate.

    anita

     

Viewing 14 posts - 31 through 44 (of 44 total)

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