- This topic has 14 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 11 months ago by Phoebe.
April 28, 2018 at 9:26 pm #204665
I posted before about trying to stop myself from emailing my ex. If I can even call him that. Using the google chrome extension I saw my emails were being read by him sometimes up to 4 times. Yet I never got any reply. For four months I have been trying to figure out why he broke up over text message. I need to move on but I have so much anxiety surrounding this issue. All I ever wanted was a small simple conversation face to face or even over the phone … I needed to put it to rest and it would have happened if I could have met with him. He was writing back a little not much just saying he was going through something. He really stopped five weeks ago. I dont know what I did and he never told me. I wish I could just move on so please do not say just move on. Its not that simple. Obviously I would if I could…
I went overboard when I realised he was reading my messages and now I realise he blocked my email. I feel so awful and the anxiety is crippling. I couldn’t go outside today.
all that goes through my head is what did I do wrong? Why is he doing this? who is this person this is not the person I fell for… I am keeping myself now from emailing him any further. I could use another email but I wont. It feels terrible. I read that apparently the silent treatment is one of the most psychologically damaging thing you can do to a person. It is usually employed by narcisistic individuals. I think he is cowardly for not confronting me. I am a super chill person I so would not have gotten mad at him for anything … all I wanted was an explanation or an Im sorry… something to validate the little time we had.
I think I need to see a psychologist but I am unemployed at the moment. I dont know what to do or how to get this anxiety under control. The only thing that gave me some relief was thinking he might actually respond and tell me what went on.
Now I will never know. I cannot contact him it will be harassement.
Any advice is appreciated. I am so lost right now. 🙁April 29, 2018 at 4:35 am #204677coconutParticipant
Hello. I understand that he broke up with you, then you started e-mailing him and he responded for a while then he stopped. You can’t expect him to be who he was during your relationship. After a breakup it’s not the same, he’s not same. You can’t expect him to be nice and all of that because he decided he wants to break up with you. He stopped responding and now he blocked you because he broke up with you and WANTS to move on and wants you to leave him alone. Understand this. I know it’s extremely hard, but you need to understand that after you two break up you need to leave him alone. He moved on. If he wanted to let you know something, he would have done that. If he wanted to be with you, he would not have broken up with you. Respect his decision, respect and accept the fact that he simply doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. You are hurting yourself by thinking that you need him to give you something he DOESN’T WANT. I know, maybe you can’t believe it cause he was so sweet and he made you feel something and you thought this is going somewhere….but it’s over. He is NOT the person you want anymore. He is not your boyfriend anymore. He wanted the breakup and now he has moved on. Respect that. You ARE HURTING YOURSELF by telling yourself that you NEED an explanation. Please understand that you DON’T NEED any explanation from him. You can live without him giving you an explanation. Stop torturing yourself with these thoughts that you “need” him to give you an explanation so you can move on. No… you can move on without that. So do yourself a favor and understand all this. You already have all the explanation you want – he broke up with you, has moved on and wants you to leave him alone for good. That’s everything you need to know in order to move on. It’s enough. And thinking over and over again about the “why’s” will not help you, ever.April 29, 2018 at 6:06 am #204693AireneParticipant
What Coconut says makes a lot of sense. It might not be what you want to hear, but it is true. You don’t need an explanation from him. And you don’t need to hear whys and whats. What you do need to do is ACCEPT his decision. When you find yourself thinking, “but I need to know WHY”, ask yourself if it would make a difference if he said the reason was because the sky is blue. Or because it’s Tuesday. Or because he wants to sell bananas in Cocomo. His answers will not matter because the bottom line is he wanted to break up with you. Period. Then ask yourself if you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you.
I could not find what you posted before about emailing your ex. I’m wondering, how did the breakup happen? Did he talk to you and say he wanted to break up? I’m asking because of what you posted here:
I read that apparently the silent treatment is one of the most psychologically damaging thing you can do to a person. It is usually employed by narcisistic individuals. I think he is cowardly for not confronting me.
If he never actually talked to you about breaking up and simply “ghosted” you, or is giving you the silent treatment, then yes, what you say above is accurate and true. It’s cruel. If this is what happened, then why would you even want to be with someone like this?
However, if he talked to you, and broke up with you, then his responsibility to you ended there. He is not obligated to respond to your emails, or to reach out to you in any way. There is no cowardly behavior on his part for not responding to you after he said he wanted to end the relationship.
Sometimes, when I am wondering about why something happened or why a person said or did whatever, I will sit quietly and ask myself, “why is this person doing this?” Sometimes I “hear” the answer within me. When you ask yourself “what did I do wrong,” what does your quiet voice say? When you ask “Why is he doing this?” What does your quiet voice say?
We usually know the answer without ever having to hear it from someone else, if we’re quiet enough to listen to it. If the answer I hear has something to do with my behavior or attitude, and I can change it, then I have the power to do so. If what I hear myself telling me has something to do with the other person and their behavior and attitude, I have zero power to change them, but I have all the power to choose how to respond to it. Your ex is not responding to you because he might be narcissistic. Or he might be trying to move on. Or he might be exhausted from dealing with your anxiety. None of those are right or wrong. Instead of placing all your power into wishing he would respond and willing him to respond and wanting him to want to talk to you, take your power back and decide you will let go and move on. Better things are waiting.
AireneApril 29, 2018 at 7:18 am #204699
if you consider texting me that we could be friends then I never heard from him ghosting than yes he did. I did write to him but he responded without very much information about what was going on.
It is really mean to break things off with someone like this and we were seeing each other for two months. It doesnt matter now but it just hurts everytime I think of it because I dont know what I did wrong what I could do better next time or if it was even at all my fault. He did say he was dealing with something but never followed up on what. He is partying and going on as I have heard so wtv he was going through must not have been so big.
I do not want to be with him but honestly this is so disrespectful. I deserved more. I am glad that I am not with him honeslty I now see him for who he is… a coward. But I begin to doubt myself and begin to say maybe it was this… it becomes a rabbit hole. I did my best I really did I cannot say I did anything wrong towards him.April 29, 2018 at 7:41 am #204711AnonymousGuest
Seems like you got your recent, first thread on the same topic deleted. Why is that?
anitaApril 29, 2018 at 8:22 am #204723
Anita: I am currently studying artificial intelligence and I know where it is going in the future with the use of big data; this means that it may easily be traced back if you arent careful with details.. sounds paranoid but after the research I have done, I realise I need to keep my digital footprint to a minimum. I felt I had put too many personal details. That is why I am trying to keep it with less details as possible.April 29, 2018 at 8:30 am #204727
..it is my master thesis actually and it is facinating research but very scary for some. Particularly children with parents who post selfies or youtube videos of them…adult children in the future may want to have those photos taken down but how to do so is the question. Who wants their colleagues to see them naked in the bath with mom? lol
I am a deep thinker and perhaps this whole ex thing is all about me overthinking…April 29, 2018 at 8:39 am #204729ElianaParticipant
I know very well anxiety. I had it and severe depression (even being in counseling and meds) for years over an ex. I think this is due to “abandonment” issues I had as a child. Perhaps separation anxiety. Did you experience any type of abandonment, rejection, or someone leaving you with no explanation as a child? I did. Over, and over..by several people I loved.
Unfortunately this resurfaces in my adult life when someone ghosts me whether it is online, a short term or long term relationship, the ending of a friendship for no known reason..a sense of betrayal. Even for whatever reason a co-worker stops speaking to me. I want answers, the anxiety to go away asap. However, the answers sometimes never come. I dwell and dwell..the “what if’s” “if only I had done this or that better, he/she wouldn’t have left me”..it’s coming from a wounded child within..the child who never received love from a severely emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic mother..who would leave us alone for days, fire our nanny, and go on drinking binges. The wounded child of seeing her father leaving on his business trips 4 days a week, grabbing on to him..begging him not to leave (he did not know my mother would “get even” by firing the Nanny who loved us). The pain of the Nanny leaving us and the sadness in her eyes while my mother was screaming and throwing beer bottles. The pain of being separated from my six siblings..then again..the pain..rejection of being left at a boarding school at the age of 16, while I was lied to by the people I was raised with..saying we “were driving to Florida for vacation”. The pain of sitting on my suitcase in the middle of the sidewalk..no explanations..
I don’t think you will unfortunately find the answers you want. If may have had nothing to do with you. Just know that you have your own closure by e-mailing him and asking why? And getting the closure back by knowing he took the cowards way out. Give yourself even more closure by knowing even if he would come back to you..would you want him back? A coward? A narcissist? What if he did this again? You certainly do not want a broken heart again. This can be your closure. Even if he gave you an explanation..would it be the truth? Would you even want an explanation from someone who goes as far as to block you? I know I would not want this for my life. At first, yes, I would want closure, but when someone blocks me, that is extremely cowardly, and that is where I draw the line, and right there is closure. I would stop caring why they broke up with me in the first place. If you are still feeling overwhelmed with anxious thoughts, just observe the thoughts, but don’t become them, they are only thoughts, fleeting, temporary..soon..these thoughts..Will be less and less as time goes by. One day you will go about your day and think “wow! I have not thought about him in two days now” and it only gets better. Be patient with yourself and the healing process. x
April 29, 2018 at 8:52 am #204735AireneParticipant
- This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Eliana.
Yes it is mean for someone to say one thing and do another. He said you could be friends, but responded vaguely, if at all, to your texts/emails. He also couldn’t really be open with you and showed this when he said he was dealing with “something” and gave no further details. You also didn’t say if he did, in fact, break things off initially. Did he say something along those lines? Or did he text you that you could be friends, and that was his way of breaking up with you?
Rejection never feels good, and is so painful. Once you work through that, I wonder if you could honestly say that you even miss him?
AireneApril 29, 2018 at 9:13 am #204743
Airene: yes that was his way of breaking up with me was through a text. I had msgd him because he was acting cold and I asked is everything ok.. that was when he replied by text I think we should just be friends.
I dont miss him anymore. I think I am frustrated that he would do this to me… when I first met him my instincts said stay away… but I didnt listen. I swear I would have been so fine if he had told me anything even if he met someone else. Its the disrespect part like I matter so little in this world. I have trouble listening to my instincts, its as though I dont trust myself.
Eliana: thank you, yes I do have parental issues that are very deep. I know this I am trying to work on them. You are right much of it stems from that. My father was also away on business when I was a child and my mother as well was an alcoholic. She was not as abusive as yours it seems but she would sit me in front of the TV and then ignore me the rest of the time. As a child I was highly intelligent and it was really damaging for me as I needed to “feed my brain”, I found TV boring so I would go off on my own to explore the world. At three years old I figured out how to open the locks on the door and I would sneak out. Sometimes I would end up blocks over at a neighbors house with them calling my mother saying “we have your daughter”. She would tell them I could stay and to send me home after (rather than coming to get me). At the same time my mother was over overbearing as well making it appear as though she cared… she would call incesantly when I was at a friends place and did not want me to have a babysitter because she was scared they would hurt me. Her message was not consistent.
Perhaps that is what I have an issue with is the inconsistency in behaviour…. hmmm I didnt realise that…April 29, 2018 at 9:23 am #204747AnonymousGuest
Just what I was thinking, before I read your last two lines starting with “perhaps”- –
figure out your mother’s intent, her message- through the inconsistencies- and maybe the anxiety will ease.
anitaApril 29, 2018 at 9:46 am #204755ElianaParticipant
Yes, I understand very well. What your mother did in a way of her Alcoholic behavior was made you feel insignificant, like you were not special, or did not matter..or have a place of belonging. This brings along in our adult relationships when we are left crippling anxiety..because again..we feel the same pain as children. When your ex “texted” you, it made you feel you did not matter, not special enough to be broken up with in person..so you are trying to get the answers from your ex, that you actually wanted from your mother.
Why didn’t you come and pick me up from my friends?” Why did you give me inconsistent messages (like your ex seeming so caring at first, than suddenly becoming so cold) much like our authority figures. Then you were just “left alone” in front of a TV..much like I was, but I was locked in a bathroom…or when I would reach out to my Mom..she would at first reach out..change her mind, and say “go away, and run along now”. So, when I perceive the slightest hint of perceived rejection from a boyfriend, I will give him the silent treatment, or passive aggressive, or do anything for him not to “leave me”. Even if the relationship is a toxic one. It’s all anxiety related stemming from childhood, and I continue to stay in Psychotherapy from the severe trauma endured. I have my times of very healthy relationships when I stay in therapy, but when I am not in therapy, I go back to my poor coping skills and defense mechanisms I had as a child that No longer work for me. I have also had to read several self-help books on this issue, that has really shed some light on my behaviors with loved ones. I continue to heal and stay in therapy and use my experiences to help others. Which is why I open up alot about my childhood, as I feel it can be of benefit to others. xApril 29, 2018 at 11:02 am #204771
Thank you for sharing with me. I feel a little better. I think we pinpointed the issue.April 30, 2018 at 2:46 am #204825AnonymousGuest
If your last note was for me as well, you are welcome. Hope to read from you again. If you delete this thread as well and start a new one, please include in it all the information needed, including this “pinpointed ..issue”.
anitaApril 30, 2018 at 8:33 am #204915PhoebeParticipant
Yes Anita this was for you as well!!!
Btw this morning (it was merely for myself) I wrote one last email telling him goodbye I would no longer contact him and that I wished he could have expressed himself to me instead of ghosting me as I would have appreciated it. I have no idea if he will read it , but at this point but I dont care. It was my closure.