Hello. I understand that he broke up with you, then you started e-mailing him and he responded for a while then he stopped. You can’t expect him to be who he was during your relationship. After a breakup it’s not the same, he’s not same. You can’t expect him to be nice and all of that because he decided he wants to break up with you. He stopped responding and now he blocked you because he broke up with you and WANTS to move on and wants you to leave him alone. Understand this. I know it’s extremely hard, but you need to understand that after you two break up you need to leave him alone. He moved on. If he wanted to let you know something, he would have done that. If he wanted to be with you, he would not have broken up with you. Respect his decision, respect and accept the fact that he simply doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. You are hurting yourself by thinking that you need him to give you something he DOESN’T WANT. I know, maybe you can’t believe it cause he was so sweet and he made you feel something and you thought this is going somewhere….but it’s over. He is NOT the person you want anymore. He is not your boyfriend anymore. He wanted the breakup and now he has moved on. Respect that. You ARE HURTING YOURSELF by telling yourself that you NEED an explanation. Please understand that you DON’T NEED any explanation from him. You can live without him giving you an explanation. Stop torturing yourself with these thoughts that you “need” him to give you an explanation so you can move on. No… you can move on without that. So do yourself a favor and understand all this. You already have all the explanation you want – he broke up with you, has moved on and wants you to leave him alone for good. That’s everything you need to know in order to move on. It’s enough. And thinking over and over again about the “why’s” will not help you, ever.

Hi Haley,

I know very well anxiety. I had it and severe depression (even being in counseling and meds) for years over an ex. I think this is due to “abandonment” issues I had as a child. Perhaps separation anxiety. Did you experience any type of abandonment, rejection, or someone leaving you with no explanation as a child? I did. Over, and over..by several people I loved.

Unfortunately this resurfaces in my adult life when someone ghosts me whether it is online, a short term or long term relationship, the ending of a friendship for no known reason..a sense of betrayal. Even for whatever reason a co-worker stops speaking to me. I want answers, the anxiety to go away asap. However, the answers sometimes never come. I dwell and dwell..the “what if’s” “if only I had done this or that better, he/she wouldn’t have left me”..it’s coming from a wounded child within..the child who never received love from a severely emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic mother..who would leave us alone for days, fire our nanny, and go on drinking binges. The wounded child of seeing her father leaving on his business trips 4 days a week, grabbing on to him..begging him not to leave (he did not know my mother would “get even” by firing the Nanny who loved us). The pain of the Nanny leaving us and the sadness in her eyes while my mother was screaming and throwing beer bottles. The pain of being separated from my six siblings..then again..the pain..rejection of being left at a boarding school at the age of 16, while I was lied to by the people I was raised with..saying we “were driving to Florida for vacation”. The pain of sitting on my suitcase in the middle of the sidewalk..no explanations..

I don’t think you will unfortunately find the answers you want. If may have had nothing to do with you. Just know that you have your own closure by e-mailing him and asking why? And getting the closure back by knowing he took the cowards way out. Give yourself even more closure by knowing even if he would come back to you..would you want him back? A coward? A narcissist? What if he did this again? You certainly do not want a broken heart again. This can be your closure. Even if he gave you an explanation..would it be the truth? Would you even want an explanation from someone who goes as far as to block you? I know I would not want this for my life. At first, yes, I would want closure, but when someone blocks me, that is extremely cowardly, and that is where I draw the line, and right there is closure. I would stop caring why they broke up with me in the first place. If you are still feeling overwhelmed with anxious thoughts, just observe the thoughts, but don’t become them, they are only thoughts, fleeting, temporary..soon..these thoughts..Will be less and less as time goes by. One day you will go about your day and think “wow! I have not thought about him in two days now” and it only gets better. Be patient with yourself and the healing process. x

• This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Haley,

Yes, I understand very well. What your mother did in a way of her Alcoholic behavior was made you feel insignificant, like you were not special, or did not matter..or have a place of belonging. This brings along in our adult relationships when we are left crippling anxiety..because again..we feel the same pain as children. When your ex “texted” you, it made you feel you did not matter, not special enough to be broken up with in person..so you are trying to get the answers from your ex, that you actually wanted from your mother.

Why didn’t you come and pick me up from my friends?” Why did you give me inconsistent messages (like your ex seeming so caring at first, than suddenly becoming so cold) much like our authority figures. Then you were just “left alone” in front of a TV..much like I was, but I was locked in a bathroom…or when I would reach out to my Mom..she would at first reach out..change her mind, and say “go away, and run along now”. So, when I perceive the slightest hint of perceived rejection from a boyfriend, I will give him the silent treatment, or passive aggressive, or do anything for him not to “leave me”. Even if the relationship is a toxic one. It’s all anxiety related stemming from childhood, and I continue to stay in Psychotherapy from the severe trauma endured. I have my times of very healthy relationships when I stay in therapy, but when I am not in therapy, I go back to my poor coping skills and defense mechanisms I had as a child that No longer work for me. I have also had to read several self-help books on this issue, that has really shed some light on my behaviors with loved ones. I continue to heal and stay in therapy and use my experiences to help others. Which is why I open up alot about my childhood, as I feel it can be of benefit to others. x

Dear haley:

If your last note was for me as well, you are welcome. Hope to read from you again. If you delete this thread as well and start a new one, please include in it all the information needed, including this “pinpointed ..issue”.

anita