Forum Replies Created
February 10, 2020 at 5:40 am #337388
Hi Lispol – I see this post is from last October!! I will post my thoughts anyway. How are things going for you?
Please, first, relax. Try turning off the negativity and turn toward something positive. It sounds like a challenging task given your work environment. Still, try saying something positive to yourself, because there is no doubt in my mind that you have done many things right and are not always making mistakes.
You saw your job posted and you think you are going to get fired. You apologized to a partner about a mistake you made and now you think that he thinks you’re looney. And now your thoughts are spiraling into a dark place of you losing your job. Yet none of this has been backed up with any real, concrete evidence. Did anyone say specifically to you, “Wow, you’re making a lot of mistakes, you are going to get fired?”
And let’s say you do lose this job. Would that be the worst thing? You don’t sound very happy there anyway. Although it may not happen the way you want it to, getting a different job may be the best thing that happens to you, given your toxic work environment.
What I try to do when I’m looking at unknowns is to look at the facts in front of me. Has anyone actually said you’re in danger of losing your job? Has the partner said anything to you that would indicate he thinks you’re looney? Your coworkers don’t talk to you, but consider that is because they know you don’t or won’t gossip.
I also think it’s worth considering that you’re giving away too much of your personal power to your coworkers. They gossip! They’re negative! Who wants to deal with that? They don’t say good morning…well, I’d call that a blessing, but you could also preempt things and say good morning to them. Be happy, be cheerful, be positive. Do your job, and when you make mistakes admit them. Yet when you do things right, pat yourself on the back – you probably won’t get it from anyone there.
You’re at your job to do your work. Create some boundaries around work and socializing. You are not obligated to share personal information. You don’t need to indulge others who wish to gossip. There are responses you can give without giving yourself a black mark. One of them is to say “isn’t that something?” Another is to give no response and excuse yourself saying, “I have something I need to take care of.”
You want to fit in, but the price you need to pay in order to do that seems very high.
July 17, 2019 at 6:24 am #303691
- This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by Airene.
Hi Katie –
Thank you for your response. I’m glad you made peace with the issue surrounding this group of girls. It sounds like this girl might have her own struggles….for some people, their anxiety manifests in being mean to other people. She may be more like you than you think.
How was your year at college?
AireneNovember 18, 2018 at 6:06 pm #238319
I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. It can’t be easy continuing to share a living space with the person you love but can’t have a romantic relationship with. Yes, it is very much like Freddie Mercury and Mary Austin, but in that situation, Mary was able to move out and be next door.
I haven’t been through anything like this, but would encourage you to read what you can about these types of relationships. Ultimately, it seems you will need to decide if this relationship can work for you.
AireneNovember 18, 2018 at 6:01 pm #238317
Where you say, “he makes me feel useless again,”…I’m sure you know that no one can “make” you feel anything…happy, sad, useless, loved…that comes from within you.
I also think you are giving him too much power over what makes you happy. You are leaving that up to him which is why he says that if you leave him it will be the worst mistake of your life.
Underneath all of this, it seems, is your wish that he behave in a way that will make you happy. He has shown you what he is capable of, and I don’t think this makes you happy.
I really like Mark’s idea of what you would say to a friend who was in the same circumstances. Think about it.
AireneNovember 18, 2018 at 5:58 pm #238315
I agree with Mark and Selkie – cut ties with this guy. You say you will feel silly unfriending him a second time – you can just not follow him and hide him from your newsfeed. After several months of no contact, quietly unfriend him. I think sometimes we want to make a bold statement to the person who is the object of our frustration and who we feel rejected by. You don’t need to do this. You simply need to be done with him. And just to reinforce – that is a wise decision on your part.
AireneNovember 17, 2018 at 5:04 am #238137
Hello Anita, Mark and John,
I’ve been thinking about what each of you have written, and thank you for your responses.
Anita – I don’t mind the reminder, and am touched that you check in. And you are correct…if I didn’t want to respond, I wouldn’t. You ask how I manage my anger at my husband. Well, one way was pretty destructive – having a friendship outside of our marriage. I don’t talk to him anymore, and I don’t miss him or that dynamic. With where our marriage is now, I think the anger is not as intense – it’s more sadness and disappointment. I can say as much as I want that it’s all about what my husband did/didn’t do, but I’m equally to blame. I could have just walked out, but didn’t.
You ask how I interact with my husband with all my anger and being numb….Well, I’m pretty blunt and direct with him now about what I need and what needs to change. And I’ve also tried to be very open about my thoughts on our marriage – that he and I don’t have to live like this. So I guess the anger sort of fizzles the more I express myself. And maybe, deep down, I just don’t have the courage to leave. If our marriage ended, I would be okay – don’t doubt that at all. From there it becomes about other people, and I haven’t reached the point where considering that doesn’t matter to me. And I don’t mean that people who leave don’t care about other people in their lives – I’m just saying for me, I haven’t reached that point.
Hi Mark – I sincerely appreciate your thoughts. I am glad you found your happy. I have considered all you say 1000 times over. I do wonder if I have modeled for my kids how to be unhappy, but I also wonder if maybe my kids will form relationships based on “not doing what mom (or dad) did.”
I also subscribe to living life as if it’s my last day – but more on a personal level than with an eye toward a relationship. I don’t regret staying – I think I had good reasons to stay and at the time, it made sense. I think my husband and I are both trying to figure out if we can move forward or not.
Hello John – I read your post completely and thoroughly. My husband and I are definitely at #2. And wow, very perceptive to point out the fact that if he changes for me, it may or may not last. Because I want him to change for himself…but then, he thinks he is a-okay as is. He is a great guy, I just don’t think he’s made to be married. And I’ve told him this. So I do understand exactly what you’re saying. And yes, if we don’t make it, I can absolutely see him being the person I needed him to be – for another wife. Because he will do it with the thought of “I need to do this because I didn’t with my ex-wife, and I don’t want this marriage to fail, so I will do what my ex-wife needed” – without regard to what that person might actually need.
I will say this, however: while you always felt like an afterthought, did you ever ask him if that was the case? I didn’t ask him, but told him many times that this is how I felt. And as you very aptly pointed out, I think he would then try to placate me. I think still tries to do this, but not as often.
Same with the “keeping your mouth shut”. Did you ask him if he was annoyed with you? Again, I didn’t ask him because if I asked he would only say what he thought I wanted to hear. So I started telling him how the things he said to me and how he said them made me feel as if he was annoyed with me and that he doesn’t want to even hear what I think.
Perhaps he was annoyed that you didn’t speak to him and he felt like an afterthought. Point being, I am seeing a LOT of things in my marriage now that were basically the same problem from two different points – yes, I can absolutely see how this can happen. Especially when communication becomes non-existent – of view and if we had just spoken about it, I feel like we would be deeply in love still and working on 20 years instead of 15 and done. But here we are.
So, thank you all again – Anita, Mark, and John – for your thoughts. And in spite of what it may seem, I do have other things I’m working on besides my marriage – exciting, fun things. This helps too.November 14, 2018 at 5:28 am #236801
Hello Mark and Anita,
I haven’t been on Tiny Buddha as much because life has just been busy. I appreciate the follow up, but there isn’t much that has changed, other than I am expressing myself more, and calling my husband on some of the things that I need to see change.
Mark, to answer your question, “Do you want to sleep in [this bed] or go find another bed?”
The answer is neither. I’m not keen on the thought of starting a relationship with someone else, and yes, I’ve had opportunities to do so, and I did explore that. I don’t see that as the answer.
I stay where I am because I don’t relish the thought of all the upheaval that would come with getting a divorce – I think I said that somewhere before.
Getting a divorce might mean something better for me – and no guarantee there. I know it would mean pain for a lot of other people, and I don’t think I could live with that.
If you have thoughts about this, I will read with open eyes, ears and heart.
AireneNovember 14, 2018 at 5:13 am #236799
I skimmed through some of the responses, so this might have already been mentioned. Is there a way you can work on building this business while continuing to work in a stable job? I’m all for someone going into business for themselves, but what I’ve found is that for most people who are in business for themselves, it is a gradual process.
If you are able to work even part-time while building your business, it will provide a safety net for you, and that might give you some reassurance.
Just my thoughts.
Best of luck,
AireneOctober 3, 2018 at 6:56 am #228793
No it doesn’t sound arrogant at all. It sounds like the clarity and unbiased perspective I need to hear. And why I posted here.
Thanks very much…I have some thinking to do.
AireneOctober 2, 2018 at 7:27 pm #228723
I hope by sharing this, you have made some peace with your guilt and your mistake. I wish you the best in these coming days.
AireneOctober 2, 2018 at 2:31 pm #228691
To suggest to you that you separate from him and live alone in a calm home is taking away that role from you, and you will be alone. I don’t think you’d like either one, role gone or alone. What do you think?
Well, I’m already alone in this marriage, so there would be nothing different there. The rest of what you say makes sense – about my peacekeeping role being gone – at least maybe on a subconscious level. Or maybe I just like complaining. Or maybe I am ready to be done with being in this role of peacemaker in our marriage and that is why I suggested to my husband we talk honestly about what we need from each other and our marriage today, going forward. I’d want him to understand that I have changed and am done not saying anything, keeping peace, etc.
AireneOctober 2, 2018 at 3:47 am #228551
Thank you very much for your response. It is thought provoking, without a doubt.
You ask how living with him is the right thing to do. For me, it’s because now he is trying. I see his effort. I just don’t know if I have it in me to be open to receiving that effort.
Which is why I left the note for him (before he left on the golf trip…and if that doesn’t speak volumes!) suggesting that both he and I talk honestly about what we need and want from each other and our marriage, starting today, going forward. Still, I did that more for his benefit. Because in his mind, he’s doing all these things and that should make things right, right?
I have to head out the door, but will post more later.
AireneOctober 1, 2018 at 7:23 am #228381
Anita, thank you for your thoughts. I don’t think I want him to feel pain, as much as I’m just too tired to care, get angry (I stopped crying and yelling a looooong time ago), and fight for making things work. I recognize all that my husband has done to provide for our family and I am grateful for that. It is a big part of the reason I stayed, as I mentioned earlier. In a selfish way, it made my life easier, even though I was still mostly a single parent (unless it was F-U-N), living with a “partner” who was detached and what I see now as being immature. I felt I had two options – to stay and make the best of it, or leave and create more problems.
We aren’t the first couple to go through this, or the last. It’s a common thing, especially when you have kids. And so while I might have been fighting, I thought I was fighting from a place of hope that things would change. Change is emerging, and now my anger and resentment are rising to the surface. I really believe it’s not intentional, but a natural thing. It’s like the story about the Little Red Hen. You don’t get to eat the bread if you haven’t helped plant it, grow it, harvest it, bake it.
Christopher – thank you for your response. What you say here aptly describes where we are now:
“nothing wakes a man’s conscience like letting him be, or giving him space to continue being ignorant while you finally choose to be unbothered”
He has had all the space he wants and needs, the difference is that it doesn’t need to be divided among 4 kids and I am no longer jumping up and down like a lunatic asking for help. I happily am not bothered by what he does or doesn’t do. I also have space and it has been liberating.
Where you say this, “i believe marriages are divine unions and are meant to last.” I agree, but think both parties need to be willing to work out differences, accept mistakes and have the desire to create a life that works for both of them. My husband is not a bad person, and I am no saint. We have both made mistakes. I just don’t know if my husband has the capacity or tools to communicate what he actually wants and needs, and I don’t think he has the capacity to think in terms of what works for “both” of us. That may come with all this space he has now.
AireneSeptember 30, 2018 at 10:51 am #228243
I never thought of it that way, but maybe I am invested in the fight. What is the fight for, then? Is it to win? And what is it I’m trying to win? I like to think I’m invested in the life we have built, and even though part of that life is our marriage, which has been an unhappy one for me, our children are a huge part of the life we have built.
And if I was leaving to exit the fight, then how do I go about doing that? Just say, “I’m done”?
AireneSeptember 30, 2018 at 9:05 am #228225
Yes, right? What am I waiting for?
I have come very close to leaving, even if it would be temporary. But when I think about why I would do that, it would be to send a strong message to him that I am tired of what our marriage is and tired of being the one working on the relationship. I’d leave and treat him the way he treats me – as if he is invisible, his needs don’t matter, his schedule doesn’t matter, no communication, no interaction, nothing. But then I think this sounds very immature and juvenile.
Mark, I did write a brief note to my husband the other night. He had something to eat for lunch that had a lot of garlic and I tried to tell him in a nice way that I could smell it, and it was strong. He took this as criticism, complained that I am always negative and shut down. I cannot say anything negative to him whatsoever because he takes it as criticism. This too is an impossible standard for a relationship.
In my note, though, I apologized and said I am tired. I said that maybe a good place for us to start is with both of us being honest about what we want and need from each other and from our marriage.
He didn’t respond, and has now left for a 4 day golf outing.