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My boyfriend and I broke up because he's gay.

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  • #238303
    talia
    Participant

    Hi all,

    As of recent developments, my boyfriend (ex-fiance) of 2.5 years has divulged to me that he is gay. We started dating when we were in high school and we’ve been living together for over a year. A year into the relationship, he told me he was bisexual, but that he deeply loved me and that he wanted a future with me. That summer, he proposed to me and I said yes. We were ecstatic. Our relationship was full of love, passion, lust. Year 2 of the relationship was pretty rocky. At one point we were super toxic to one another and intensely arguing every day. So, he told me he did not love me anymore and immediately started dating a guy. And by immediately, I mean he literally went to his house the night we broke up and started dating him. At this point, he told me he was gay, but that his attraction and love for me was real. Then, 3 weeks later, he told me that his new relationship was a mistake and that he still loved me and wanted to work things out.

    Foolishly, I ignored his previous confession of his sexuality (and the shady-ness of his new relationship) and I chose to continue the relationship. He told me he wasn’t sure of what he wanted. Either it was continue the relationship, or have him experiment with his sexuality.  We went to couple’s therapy, talked out all of our issues, and he decided to commit to me and continue our relationship. Things seemed to be normal after a while. But alas, it was not.

    The last 6 months of our relationship has felt out of place and I couldn’t put my finger on why. Our sex life was extremely sparse (moving from 3-4 times a week to 0-3 times a month). He insisted it was because he was depressed. Over this time period, he was very wishy-washy. One day he’d be planning a future with me, the next day would be a series of “I don’t know”s. He was very closed off to me emotionally and physically. Because of that, I began to feel quite discouraged. I was putting every ounce of my effort into this relationship just for there to be no progress. I frequently expressed this to him and he’s always just told me “I don’t know”.  He still didn’t know what he wanted, despite me waiting patiently over 6 months for him to figure it out. He’s been going to therapy, and last week we had a serious talk about the status of the future of our relationship. He finally opened up to me and was able to be completely honest.

    He confessed to me the things he’s needing for himself, and one of them was that he needs to experience a relationship with a man. However, he told me that he is still very deeply in love with me and that he wished we could have a romantic future together (but he could not ignore his sexuality). We agreed that open relationships were out of the question, as we’re both very monogamous individuals. This confession of his didn’t really shock me. In fact, I had been expecting it, but I was just waiting for him to come to terms with it on his own. He’s always told me he only watches gay porn, finds men attractive, and often referred to himself as gay instead of bisexual. And with the deterioration of our intimacy, I figured on my own that this is where our relationship was heading. So, it’s not really as earth-shattering as I expected it to be.

    Alas, I am stuck in an odd position. We decided to remain, friends, best friends. Our relationship is very much like Freddie Mercury and Mary Austin. There’s still this love that isn’t expressed romantically anymore. We’re still living together because we have signed a lease that cannot be undone because of financial reasons. We still cuddle, I still cook dinner for him, he still does the dishes. We hang out a lot, and we still sleep in the same bed. Things feel right but at the same time, they don’t. I still have feelings for him, but I am very aware that I cannot change our predicament. I’m finding it hard to completely move on because we still live together, but at the same time, it’s easy for me? I’m oscillating between two levels of grieving and I’m not sure what to do. I want to preserve our friendship, but at the same time where do, I draw the line? What can I do to feel independent while still living with him? How do I move on? How soon is it to move on?

    I’m grieving over a relationship that can’t be saved. It hurts because there’s nothing I can do. I’m tired of trying so hard all the time. At this point in my life, I feel genuinely happy where I am mental health wise, academically, maturity, and much focused. But this is obviously a huge life transition that I can’t suppress just because I’m happy with myself. Anyone go through anything similar? I feel so stuck.

    #238319
    Airene
    Participant

    Hi Thalia,

    I’m so sorry for all that you are going through.  It can’t be easy continuing to share a living space with the person you love but can’t have a romantic relationship with.  Yes, it is very much like Freddie Mercury and Mary Austin, but in that situation, Mary was able to move out and be next door.

    I haven’t been through anything like this, but would encourage you to read what you can about these types of relationships.  Ultimately, it seems you will need to decide if this relationship can work for you.

    Best,

    Airene

     

    #238361
    George
    Participant

    Hi Thalia,

    first of all, you’ll need to have a clear mind which direction you will be heading to in the future. So, obviously, regardless of the sexuality of your boyfriend, he is constantly showing you his uncertainty towards the future. And at this point, it’s clear enough that no matter how you guys will progress, the result is the same; breakup. Having a sexless relationship is a sign that the love is going downhill, the novelty has started to wear off.

    I know as you live together with your boyfriend, breaking up could be a lot harder. Imagine if you trigger the breakup he would go crazy and cry and hold you back. I know it’s hard but at the end of the day, you’ll need to plan your breakup properly.

    #238373
    anita
    Participant

    Dear  Thalia:

    You wrote: “At one point we were super toxic to one another and intensely arguing every day”- can you, or would you like to elaborate on that super toxicity and intense arguing?

    This sentence is almost hidden within the topic of sexuality, which is attention grabbing, but this sentence  is very meaningful to me if I try to understand the relationship.

    anita

     

    #238449
    talia
    Participant

    Airene,
    Thank you for your kind words. I definitely want to continue our friendship, I am just at a loss because we have to continue living together.

    George,
    You are very right. Sexuality aside, he was always oscillating between what he wanted with me, which gave me constant anxiety. Now he’s finally decided what he wants: friendship. It’s just tough waters to navigate.

    Anita,
    Well for 3 months (last January, February, March) we were having big arguments more than twice a week, and petty fights just about every day. The intense arguing consisted of me communicating something, him taking it the wrong way, and the conversations spiraling wildly out of control. He’d threaten to leave, I would too. I would be crying and it would not bother him one bit. The arguing was slammed doors, silent treatment, manipulation, and awful communication. I was toxic in the sense that I used sex to control the relationship. As in, if he was being out of hand, I would rescind any intimate contact. He would do the same, but with affection and stability. The arguments were never physical, but they escalated out of control. I always felt powerless and trapped. The petty fights were rude comments, jabs, and anything to rile each other up. No boundaries whatsoever. However, after couple’s therapy we worked through all of that and now we are nothing like that. But I understand that the past is imperative to understanding a complicated relationship.

     

    #238497
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Thalia:

    A heterosexual man who chooses  one woman for a monogamous relationship has to give up all potential relationships with other women, no matter how attractive they may be, not different  from a  bisexual man having to give up all potential relationship with attractive men and women once  committing to one  individual. In other words, being bisexual does not exclude a committed, monogamous relationship, I figure.

    But he wants to experiment with a relationship with a man, so obviously he  is not available for a committed, monogamous relationship with you, and you stated that both of you are monogamous.

    I was impressed reading from you, how  mature and rational you are, particularly for a woman in her early twenties (you started dating in high school and have  been in a relationship for 2.5 years).

    I think it will be best if the  two of you live like friends and roommates only at this point for the rest of the duration of the lease and then live separately. Better you sleep in separate rooms, or if there is only one room (a studio apartment, let’s say), then sleep in two separate beds or mattresses a good distance  away from each other. A divider to separate the sleeping arrangement may  be a good idea. No cuddling or such, no physical contact, I think is better. Place  the physically intimate part of the relationship in the past where  it now belongs.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by anita.
    #238551
    talia
    Participant

    Anita,

    I’ve never viewed it that way, that he’s unavailable. It makes it easier to process since there’s nothing else I can do. I appreciate your comments about me, I am indeed 19 years old. The combination of couple’s therapy, individual therapy, and group therapy have truly reformed my perception on life. Also, adding in Buddhist principles helps me think clearly.

    I agree with your proposed solution. Sleeping in the same bed is definitely a relationship privilege to me, along with cuddling. You’re right, it is now in the past.

    #238669
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Thalia:

    I am genuinely impressed by your clarity of thinking as expressed in your very clear, organized writing. It would impress me to read such from a person of any age, but nineteen, my goodness! I sure hope you keep this clarity, keep learning, observing, examining, resolving conflicts.

    Hope the new sleeping arrangement will work out well and wish to read from you again, anytime you’d like to post, please do.

    anita

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