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i am stuck in a toxic relationship

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  • This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by John.
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  • #238281
    jo
    Participant

    my partner or ex is a smashing person when not drinking [he is a binge drinker] I met him at a particular low in my life…ive lived with him but am now back at my house…we break up and then get back together…I don’t want to be on my own which is what makes me go back…then he makes me feel useless again..im not happy with him and cannot find the words to tell him this and when I try he makes me feel like if I leave him it will be the worst mistake of my life..im just about tearing my hair out at moment because I feel trapped

    #238309
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi jo.

    Sorry that you feel trapped.  For us humans, it seems scarier to go into the unknown more than stay with the known even if the known is not health or abusive or just plain bad for us.

    I don’t think there is any magic formula for overcoming our fears to leave the known (even if we do know on a conscious level that it IS bad for us) and leap into the unknown of being on your own.

    I recommend journalling on your feelings and reflecting on this relationship.

    Posting about this is the first step.  Read what you wrote here.  What would you say or think if a good friend wrote what you posted here?  The title says it all doesn’t it?

    Mark

    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by Mark.
    #238317
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Jo,

    Where you say, “he makes me feel useless again,”…I’m sure you know that no one can “make” you feel anything…happy, sad, useless, loved…that comes from within you.

    I also think you are giving him too much power over what makes you happy.  You are leaving that up to him which is why he says that if you leave him it will be the worst mistake of your life.

    Underneath all of this, it seems, is your wish that he behave in a way that will make you happy.  He has shown you what he is capable of, and I don’t think this makes you happy.

    I really like Mark’s idea of what you would say to a friend who was in the same circumstances.  Think about it.

    Best,

    Airene

    #238351
    John
    Participant

    Airene is right. There is a reason the term is SELF esteem. It’s very hard for someone to change how you feel about you on a fundamental level. The only way they can tear you down is if you already have insecurities for them to prey upon.

     

    The conversation you need to have with this man is simple.

    “I am miserable with you. You prey on my insecurities and make me feel terrible. I cannot be with you anymore.”

     

    The more difficult part here is going to be staying away from him after. It sounds like you have some codependency issues that you should really talk to a counselor about. Otherwise you WILL just continue to relive this cycle over and over. And the end of the cycle, if left to its own devices I fear will be very bad for you.

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