September 25, 2018 at 2:47 pm #227507
I am really reaaally trying to make friends. I have been kinda talking to this one group of girls who live on the same floor as me in my dorm building. I have been constantly making the first moves with them. At first, one of the girls in the group would occasionally come in my room to ask me a question or to just simply talk. We also knew each other because we would both be invited out to dinner occasionally and we would bond there. I also know another girl in the group because we bonded at random times. I know another girl because we talked for an hour. I know another because we talked in the bathroom. Another girl and I bonded at a football game. One girl I don’t know. So I know almost each girl from different occasions. I also know each one at a different level. I have been trying and trying to join their friend group. Last weekend I walked into one of the dorm’s (because they were all in there and the door was open) and simply asked “hey what’s up?” and they invited me to sit on the bed and talk. Everything was going well. I was acting a little bit shy because I am naturally shy and awkward… but I was talking and I always enjoy talking with their group. We all went to dinner in the cafeteria and when we came back we were all talking in the hallway. The one girl who I don’t know (I actually have talked to her on the elevators and in the bathroom before but only small-talk conversations) kept saying “something smells bad” every 5 seconds. I am a very clean person because I have this fear of smelling bad. I wash my body very well (scrubbing every part of my body), I constantly reapply deodorant, I use perfume, and even use wet wipes. I assumed it wasn’t me. I left to go get something in my room and came back. I was on my phone quickly texting my boyfriend (I was still with everyone but I was looking at my phone) and out of the corner of my eye I could see the girl secretly point to me and whispering. I also saw a few heads look my way. I immediately left because I have anxiety about smelling bad. It was one of those moments where I just knew she HAD to be talking about me. I used to shower twice a day in high school. I started crying in my room and calling everyone I know on facetime. First, I called my best friend and asked her “do I smell bad” and I told her what happened. She said I am probably being paranoid. She says I do not smell (we don’t really see each other often… maybe once a month so it’s not like she is always around me). Then I called my boyfriend. He said the same thing… I am probably being paranoid and that I have never smelled before. He also suggested that if it is true that the girl was suggesting I smell bad.. that she is just jealous and trying to blame me (which I doubt). However, my boyfriend and I used to hangout 24/7 in the summer so he may get used to my smell. But now I see him once a week. Then I called my cousin. I only see her twice a year. I asked her if I smell and she said no never.
The next day (Saturday) I hadn’t seen any of the girls.. but I texted one of them asking “hey are you doing anything tonight??”
She didn’t answer for 2 hours then said “I think we are all getting ice cream you should come” So I went to get ice cream with them and I felt a little awkward and sad because I was hoping I didn’t smell bad. I also wondered if the one girl who (may have been) saying I smell bad told everyone else and everyone agreed. Maybe I am overthinking but during the 2 hours she didn’t answer I felt like they thought I was gross for smelling bad.
Then I decided that I was done with the paranoia. I wanted to know if I truly smelled bad.. so I read some articles titled “how to tell if you truly smell bad”
I went through each check list….
I smelled all my clothes after wearing them and my shirt (where my back is) sorta smelled like dirty hair. It smelled like dirty hair only sliiiightly but I know it is always stronger to other people. Then I ran my fingers through my hair and on my scalp… and it smelled like dirty hair. I wash my hair every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. But I only use shampoo and conditioner on Monday and Thursday while on other days I only use conditioner. I personally thought this was okay because I do a lot of research on how to make your hair become healthy and grow. I was following advice of hair experts saying to only wash your hair once or twice a week. I thought a lot of people do this. Mostly everyone I know washes their hair every other day at most.
So could this be how I smell? Because of my hair? If so…. does the group of girls think I’m gross? They haven’t reached out to me ever since the first 2 weeks and I am always making the first move. Could this be why? Will they forgot that I smell if I just start washing my hair everyday? Do you think the girl was talking about me? Do they think I’m gross?
All these questions are running through my mind….
September 26, 2018 at 2:51 am #227569
- This topic was modified 10 months, 4 weeks ago by Katie.
First, just breathe. This will be okay.
Second, your entire post centers around “smelling bad,” but that is not the issue. The issue is that you are giving these girls – every one of them – too much power over you.
Here’s what I think happened. Mean Girl (the one who made the comment, “something smells bad”) might have been doing some psychological bullying. Maybe she was doing this or maybe she wasn’t. But your response to those three words – “something smells bad” – whoa. You smell fine, and you documented that clearly in your post.
Here’s how you take your power back. You decide who you want to hang out with, and if you want to get to know any or all of those girls. Then…be pleasant, nice, friendly and funny. You ask them “Hey do you want to [fill in the blank].” They do or they don’t. If they do, you spend time with them and decide if these are people who will add to your life or take away from it. (Here’s a hint…if being with them results in your losing sleep, obsessing over everything you say…they are not people who add to your life.) You can also be the example to Mean Girl of how to treat people. If she’s pulling her crap line of “something smells bad”…counterpoint it with “Well, it must be YOU, because I don’t smell anything bad!”
Go forth with confidence, and annihilate this bully!
AireneJuly 13, 2019 at 6:27 am #303143
Hi. Sorry that my reply is so late. I’m just going through my old posts and reading them. First, your comment really helped me when I read it and I decided to stop trying to become friends with those girls. I decided that I would rather make organic friendships than fight to make friends in college. And you are right, she may have been doing psychological bullying. Maybe she didn’t like me for some reason? All those girls seemed very close (even though it was only the third week of college) so maybe she just didn’t want me there and wanted to blame me? I don’t know. But for the rest of the school year, she was really nice to me and always tried talking to me when I saw her. Which confuses me but whatever.July 17, 2019 at 6:24 am #303691
Hi Katie –
Thank you for your response. I’m glad you made peace with the issue surrounding this group of girls. It sounds like this girl might have her own struggles….for some people, their anxiety manifests in being mean to other people. She may be more like you than you think.
How was your year at college?
AireneJuly 28, 2019 at 4:05 pm #305391
It was okay! I met a boy and we started dating. We’ve been dating for 6 months. I didn’t actually end up making any solid friendships with any girls. Which I’m fine with because my mindset for most of my classes was “just study and get through this”