Forum Replies Created
March 8, 2021 at 11:01 pm #375811
Also, to add to my last post, I just reread some of my threads. I feel like I was a completely different person. I used to talk about him in a way that just did not describe him fully. I described him as “he isn’t that controlling” or “he is only a little manipulative.” However, I think I actively repressed so much of the abuse that I convinced myself it wasn’t as bad as it was. EDMR therapy has helped me uncover a lot of the repressed memories. One of the most traumatic memories for me was when he would keep me locked in his bedroom for days at a time while he was at work during the summer. He did this so I wouldn’t hang out with my friends behind his back. This was part of the reason why it was so easy for me to starve myself during this time. I would be in his room without food or water for hours. I think the only thing he kept in his room was a pack of gaterade.
Another memory was when he would force me to cut contact with all my friends. He made me block so many close friends until I only had about 3 left. Luckily, I have since rekindled a lot of the old friendships I used to have.
There are a few more memories that I am still too afraid to talk about.
Sorry for the long messages, I think I am just realizing how much I downplayed the abuse in my old posts. I tried to believe everything was fine, but it wasn’t.March 8, 2021 at 10:35 pm #375810
Thank you, and yes, you got everything right: I am referring to the abusive ex that I wrote about in March 2020 and I did date him from 2015-2018. We started dating when I was 15.
I have talked about it with my therapist, which is the only reason I am able to admit that it happened. For years I kept it a secret.
I think I might get an attorney, even if I don’t have any evidence right now I want to go over my options.
It’s been around 2-3 years since I broke up with him. I thought I would be over the trauma of the relationship by now, but I feel that I am only now able to be honest with myself about what happened (the emotional abuse, the sexual abuse, the digital abuse, the verbal abuse, etc.). Because I am only now processing my trauma, I feel like I am still at one of my lowest points brought on by that relationship. I get a lot of flashbacks and I am triggered a lot. On the bright side, I think a lot of my suffering from the past 2-6 years (body dysmorphia, eating disorder, anxiety, depression) has lessened a lot. I have always struggled with those things, but they seemed to get worse the more I ran away from my trauma. Now, I suffer more from PTSD, even though I still suffer, although less, from those other things.
Last night was the first time I even thought about getting justice for myself, and it wasn’t even until around 3 years after the relationship ended, which I think shows how much time it took me to actually begin processing the abuse.
I wish that I could just fast forward to the point when I no longer get flashbacks, I feel like I got justice, and my mental health improves.March 8, 2021 at 12:02 am #375748
No, you do not need the willpower to get out of depression. Depression isn’t your fault. Anyone who tells you this is victim-blaming. I’m so sorry you feel this way, it’s not your fault at all.March 18, 2020 at 12:00 am #343900
EDIT: on my last post, I meant to say “I’m going to try to be tested soon” instead of diagnosed soon.March 17, 2020 at 11:53 pm #343896
I definitely wouldn’t tell the child that her nose is big and would be nice to her.
Also, I’m a little worried to choose big nose because I don’t want it to lower my self esteem. Its so uncomfortable for me to live with this flaw I think I have. But I guess I do understand the point of accepting a big nose and living with it is learning to not let it lower my self esteem no matter what the size is. I will try.
And your comment about the memory of my cousins words and her hurtful habits makes sense. I never thought about it in that way, I think it was the way it was worded, but it really makes sense. I think I was too focused on weighing the pros and the cons to realize that the damage has already been done. She’s not changing and I need to accept that she isn’t good for me. There’s no “forgiving” or “accepting” because she has toxic habits and the memory of her words are just too painful.
I will try my best to stop questioning my nose and accept it as big. Even though I may not 100% believe it is big, I think if I just practice accepting it for the way it is, maybe I will see progress.
There’s also something that I’ve been meaning to mention for some time. This may sound a little bit out there, but it has been on my mind for a while. I came across an article about autism in women. I felt like a lot of the traits related to me.
I think I mentioned this in another thread before, but my mom said teachers thought I was autistic and that “something was wrong” with me. I assume I got a test and came back negative. However, a lot of autistic women are coming forward saying they weren’t diagnosed until the age of 20, 30, even 40+ because they came back as negative while being screened for autism when they were younger.
There’s also other reasons why I think I may have it. For example, when I was young I apparently didn’t make eye contact. However, that isn’t really a problem for me now. I am fully capable of making eye contact and having a conversation, but I notice it takes a lot of work for me. I read about something called “masking” that a lot of autistic people (women especially) do. It’s when they copy the thoughts and behaviors of the people around them. I could be wrong, but I genuinely feel that is me. Genuinely. I’ve always been so shy and awkward in social situations (unless I’m really comfortable with the person). There have been times in my life when I’ve been outgoing! However, I can say for a FACT that it was due to me copying behaviors of people around me. I remember when I was around the age of 16, I decided I wanted to be social so I began copying the behaviors of popular, outgoing, cool people and I ended up making tons of friends. Yet, when I decide to just be myself, I am not social. I don’t talk. I’m quiet.
Another reason is because a lot of the time, women with autism are diagnosed with autism AND another mental disorder. A lot of the common ones are: anxiety, depression, OCD. I have a few too (anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder).
I also get told I am naive a lot. I easily fall victim to manipulation. Apparently, a lot of women with autism fall victim to abusive relationships (whether that be with a significant other, friend, family member, etc). It’s crazy because I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years with my ex boyfriend. I trusted him when he was actually abusing me
I am not trying to self diagnose, but I was actually very happy to discover I related to the symptoms because I clearly have difficulty living my life. I’m very dependent on the people around me for guidance and advice (another trait common in autistic people), and it’s stressful for me. I’m obviously not going to assume I have it, but I can’t ignore how much I relate to it. I’m going to try to be diagnosed soon, but I probably won’t know the results for a while. I just wanted to mention it to you and see what you think. Could this be the answer to all my “problems?” Because I seem to be at a point in my life where I’m confused, lost, stressed, and sad. All of my personality traits that relate to autism seem to be the cause of my problems (shyness, insecurity, not trusting myself, dependence on others, anxiety). Please let me know if you think this could be a possibility and a solution for me.
March 16, 2020 at 10:17 pm #343728
- This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Katie.
thank you for the advice. I will continue to try to end contact with her. I want to end contact with her so badly. I feel that it would help me grow. I want to replace her with people who better me. However, it seems so difficult. Going back to my body dysmorphia, I feel like my nose holds me back so much. I look at people who are happy and they all have perfect noses. I feel like my nose keeps me from being attractive. It makes me feel inferior. It makes me feel afraid to put myself out there because 1) I dislike myself and 2) I feel like others will judge me for the things I dislike about myself. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I want to be confident and happy. My anxiety over my nose has gotten so much better than before, but it’s still there. And it still makes me feel ugly.
it hurts me because I look in the mirror and think, ”she is crazy for thinking my nose is big. It’s small” but then I think about it and I’m like “I think I’m just blind. I can’t ignore that it’s not perfect. People probably think my nose is big and I’m the only one who thinks it’s not”
People in this world are super critical. How don’t I know they’re not judging me? My therapist tells me to trust my gut, and my gut told me that my nose isn’t bad (because I didn’t care about my nose for years. I never thought it took away from my beauty). However, now my gut is telling me my nose is bad. Or just that my face is bad. Who can I trust? The old me or the new me? I hate this feeling 🙁
I haven’t mentioned much about this, but I’ve been somewhat losing feelings for my boyfriend. I still love him so I’m trying to work it out, but I noticed I was losing feelings when I was attracted to other people. I was crushing on other people.
This may sound wrong or like cheating, but it was just a thought so I don’t want to take it seriously. I was just thinking about this guy that I really think is attractive because he’s really mature and into self growth (again, just a thought. I know it sounds wrong to think that because I have a boyfriend, but I would never act on that thought). I was imagining myself with a guy like him, but then I saw he was following this girl I know on Instagram. The girl is really pretty and I feel like she is way prettier than me, so I was sad. Because I thought to myself “who am I kidding? Why am I imagining myself with a guy like him. He is into girls like that, not me” and I felt really sad. Then I was like, “it’s because of my nose. If my nose was smaller and fixed, I would be as pretty as that girl”
does that make sense? I’m not trying to cheat on my boyfriend but I was just thinking about what it would be like to date that kind of guy. Then I felt insecure because I felt I’m not good enough for it. But I don’t want to feel that way. I want to be confident and feel that I can date whoever I want.
March 15, 2020 at 2:49 pm #343452
- This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Katie.
Okay here would be the scenario:
In an ideal world where I had no fear of confronting her, I would probably say the following. Also, after writing it all out, I also naturally added other things I was hurt about. I also started to get flashbacks of when she and I were very close, and when I used to have self-respect and confidence. I know that throughout the years when I lost my self-confidence and faith in myself, it was due to other things besides her. It was because of my abusive relationship and possibly even the prominence of social media because of its focus on beauty. However, she was my best friend and she hurt me which made those effects even worse.
“Hey, you know how I have self-esteem issues and body dysmorphia? I just wanted to let you know that a big reason as to why I have those problems is because of what you had said to me. I always had trouble accepting myself, but when you said I needed a nose job, it became even harder to accept myself. I really fell down a path of self-hatred and it caused me a lot of pain. I wouldn’t allow myself to be happy because of what you said. If I were to look in the mirror and think for a second that I looked pretty or that my nose looked cute and small, I would instantly squash any of that because I couldn’t allow myself to do so. All I knew was that you said my nose needed to be fixed.
You knew I struggled with self-esteem for my entire life. You are my cousin, you saw me grow up because we have always been close. You saw me when I would struggle with shyness and anxiety. You saw how I was afraid to put myself out there. However, instead of lifting me up when I needed it, you brought me down. You would tell me I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or cool enough. So my question is, why have you always put me down? In the moments when I needed your help, you seemed so focused on my flaws. When I first entered college and was trying to break up with my abusive boyfriend, you told me I needed a nose job. Why would you tell me THAT during THAT time?! That was a time when I needed strength, bravery, and confidence in myself. Were you just oblivious to what was going on?
I miss when we were 16 and we were the closest we ever were. I don’t know what was different then, but I think I would just look past your mean words because I knew you were my best friend. We had so much fun together. We would travel, meet people, laugh together, take photos, etc. Your words have always hurt me but I had ignored them until it became too hard for me to ignore.
When I got into an abusive relationship, you didn’t seem to care. I was changing. Don’t you remember how much happier I was before the relationship? How I was able to talk to anyone, I would dress up and wear makeup, I would laugh??? How I had tons of friends and would meet people wherever I went? Then, when I stopped grooming myself, stopped talking to people, and felt depressed because of him, you didn’t seem to care? You didn’t seem to care that the old Katie (the fun, happy, talkative, and well-liked Katie) was gone. I felt depressed. My ex would completely take advantage of me. I became silent. I barely talked to anyone. Didn’t you notice the change? It seemed like you just accepted this new version of me. That hurt me because when I was struggling and changing, it seemed like you just turned a blind eye. Like everyone else. Except, you were supposed to be my best friend.”March 12, 2020 at 4:05 pm #343024
Thank you for your reply. I haven’t told her that her comments (especially regarding my nose) hurt me. I have just been too afraid to tell her, and I have no idea why. Maybe I’m afraid of her. I feel very nervous when I think about how I would confront her. To me, confronting her wouldn’t change much because it wouldn’t stop my hurting.
I also feel that she knows what she is doing hurts me. She has been vocal about people saying negative things about her appearance and how it hurts her feelings, so that is an indicator to me that she knows. So if I confront her, what will she say? Apologize and not mean it? She can’t take back my pain. She is smart enough to know what is rude and what isn’t rude.
Also, yes, she stopped saying negative things about my appearance. I have no idea why she stopped. I never confronted her to stop, she just did. I think it may have been because she could tell I was developing some issues around my appearance. All I know is that I never told her to stop. For all I know, she could say something rude about my appearance next week. It could also just be because I distanced myself and she doesn’t have as many opportunities to even say anything.
I will try to end the contact. The problem is, she wants to visit me in a couple of weeks. I told her that she may not be able to come, and she got really mad.March 12, 2020 at 10:13 am #342966
I feel so dumb. Like part of me feels like I’m overreacting because there’s no proof. There’s 0 proof that she purposely tries to hurt me. Like she just does and I don’t feel comfortable confronting her. Does she even try to hurt me? What if she doesn’t know she hurts me? How can she not know?
Also, the last time she really attacked my appearance was a long time ago. It seems that she stopped. Why? Is there a reason? Does she know I was hurt so she stopped? Or was it in my head? Is she a good friend for stopping? Even though she stopped, why does she still bother me? Why does she still make me so mad? My boyfriend sometimes gets mad at me because I ALWAYS confront him and even yell at him for doing something wrong or mistreating me, but he notices that I can’t confront my cousin AT ALL. Why don’t I feel comfortable confronting her in the same way as him?
When she was talking to my first ex (first love), did she do it on purpose? Or am I blaming her for something out of her control? I know we stated that she did it on purpose, but what if she didn’t. What if I just made it seem that way. I have no idea.
Sorry for all the questions, I don’t expect you to answer but this is just what is in my head. All the time. I am so unsure of what is going on. I feel lost 🙁
March 12, 2020 at 10:07 am #342964
- This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Katie.
That makes sense. I still view her as my best friend, and it is hard to let go (probably for the reason you explained). It is so weird how it always comes back to her. All my problems always come back to her. In the end, I am always complaining about her. What she said caused me to hate myself, what she did made me cry, but in the end, I feel like it is my fault for not standing up for myself or confronting her.
I tried setting up a boundary with her recently. She kept saying “this girl is so ugly” so I simply said, “hey can we not talk about this kind of stuff anymore? it seems toxic” and she got really mad. Whenever I asked her a simple question, she would answer with “I am not answering, too toxic.” That annoyed me because instead of understanding, she began to act petty.
I’ve been researching narcissistic relationships, and I feel like she is a narcissist. The funny thing is, this is EXACTLY how I felt in the abusive relationship with my ex. I cared about him, and I care about my cousin. He would insult me, she insults me. I would try to leave but mentally couldn’t allow myself to, I try to leave my relationship with her but can’t allow myself to. I can’t tell if she is my best friend or my worst enemy. Is she just obliviously rude? Or does she do it on purpose? Is it my fault for not standing up for myself? Or is there something greater going on? Am I overreacting?
I just feel very confused, all the time. Sometimes I feel like it is in my head, but other times I can’t deny what’s going on.March 8, 2020 at 10:10 am #342250
I don’t know 🙁 and that’s what makes it so confusing for meMarch 4, 2020 at 10:51 am #341408
I just want to apologize for not replying in almost a month. I didn’t realize how much time had gone by, but I just needed a break. It takes a lot of mental energy for me to be so focused on my problems. Especially because I also have a therapist, it sometimes feels like I’m constantly focused on my problems and then it’s hard to focus on other parts of my life. But I wanted to come back on here and update you on what’s going on in my life and seek some advice. So, as for my cousin, I haven’t really ended contact with her yet. I still feel very hesitant. In my head, I know it would be the best option, but I’m just stuck. I’m stuck in this weird place in my life where I do not have many friends anymore and I don’t feel that I will be able to make any. For that reason, I stuck between 3 decisions.
The first decision would be to continue doing what I’m doing now: pretend that nothing is wrong whenever my cousin talks to me and go along that I am happy talking with her but attempt to somewhat distance myself. It seems like an easy direction for me because it means I don’t have to change anything, I don’t have to open up about my mental issues, and I can continue to have the support of my cousin in my everyday life. This is the decision I have been making every day for a couple of months, maybe even a year. It’s simply the decision that would take the least amount of pain and effort, which is why I continue to choose this decision even though I don’t believe it’s the best decision.
The second decision would be to confront my cousin. This is a lot more difficult than the first decision. The reason for that is because 1) I have to open up about my mental illness and 2) I don’t even know what the results would be. I’ve been hiding this issue from my cousin for… maybe almost 1.5 years now. If I were to confront her, would she even take it seriously? I’m very bad at confrontations when I’m nervous, so a lot of the time when I try to act brave and confront someone, they take it as I’m attacking them in which they act very defensive and I end up apologizing for even confronting them. If I were to confront my cousin and she takes it seriously, what would happen? Would she apologize? That doesn’t fix my mental problems. I wish it would, but it wouldn’t. She still said it and it still caused me to develop body dysmorphia. Would she take it back? Not sure I would believe it as she probably would only take it back because she feels bad for the effect it had on me. This decision is a very confusing one, but the one positive it would have would be that I wouldn’t have to drop my cousin (someone who I have always seen as my best friend). It also, hopefully, would change the dynamic between my cousin and me, making her more aware of my issues and maybe even helping and supporting me further.
The third decision would be to drop her. This definitely would be the hardest decision for me. It’s one that would cause me the most pain, but also the one that most people advise me to do. First, it would probably include me having to give her some explanation for dropping her, as she would ask and ask until I gave it. Would I lie? Would I avoid telling her? Would I just tell her the reason why, which would combine my second decision of confronting her with my third decision to end contact? As in, would I confront her then end contact with her? I have no idea what it would be. Also, she is a big part of my support system. Who else, besides my boyfriend would support me? I have mentioned that I have distanced myself from my friends, which means I would essentially have no one until I somehow am able to make new friends. Would I just have to live as even more of a recluse as I already am right now? Or, would I somehow be empowered by my cousin’s absence in my life and solve all my issues, make tons of friends, and live my happy life? I don’t know, but I feel like it wouldn’t happen that way.
As you can see, this decision is very difficult for me. I somehow lose out in all three scenarios, although I probably would get the most benefits from decisions 2 and 3. Decision 1 would give me no benefits or losses.
Another thing: my boyfriend has randomly switched his opinion on me ending contact with my cousin. First, he wanted me to do it and make new friends. Now, he says I should forgive her and keep her in my life. The latter, to me, seems stupid because I don’t want to forgive her. I want my mental issues fixed, and forgiving her wouldn’t fix them. I’ve also been trying to fuel my bravery to end contact or drop her by NOT forgiving her, and instead, making her out to be the bad guy in my head. If she is the bad guy, then it would be a lot easier to end contact with her. I mean, she is kinda the bad guy for telling me I need a nose job, constantly putting down my intelligence, saying I’m fat, putting her toxic ways of thinking onto me, and just not seeming to care about me in a lot of situations. But suddenly my boyfriend seems to be rooting for my cousin? He tells me that she cares about me and I should just forget about it. The thing is, he used to talk badly about her to me, and I liked it. I liked it when he would put her down to me because it made me feel good. In my head, if my cousin was just a sad, mean, horrible person then it would be a lot easier to not let her hurt my self-esteem like she always has. I have no idea what to do.February 10, 2020 at 10:42 am #337436
Sorry that I haven’t replied to your message yet. I have been meaning to reply, but I think that I just need a little break. I just wanted to let you know in the case that I don’t reply for a couple more days! But I plan on replying soon 🙂February 5, 2020 at 5:58 pm #336856
Thank you for taking the time to write a long, detailed reply!
For part 1: I really relate to what you said about teachers. Even though I will study for a specific class every day and know the material like the back of my hand, I felt that I was never noticed. Except, I would always see teachers praising students for hard work so it didn’t make sense. I also feel that it’s important to mention that there was a time in my life (beginning of high school) where I was making a lot of friends and developing social skills. So, I did have some amount of social skills before. However, I retreated back in my shell when people began to judge me and I started to feel weird. Being shy really has drawbacks and I’ve experienced a lot of them.
Part 2: That summary is accurate. Overall, I feel upset because I was busy and lost touch with my friend, but she didn’t really seem to notice or care. However, whenever I do talk to her, she treats me the same as always, so I can’t tell if I’m overreacting. We talk like normal whenever we talk again. I’m just confused.
Part 3: That does make a lot of sense. It has been difficult for me to understand why my cousin would want to hurt me, but I also noticed that during the times my cousin is really happy, she is not mean at all. Whenever she is happy and something really good is happening in her life, she never puts me down. I think noticing that has helped me understand that she tries to hurt me out of her own pain.
It is also difficult for me to understand that my cousin would flirt with my first love to hurt me. I actually posted about that situation on multiple advice websites because I really was hurt, but I couldn’t talk about it with my boyfriend (for obvious reasons) or friends because they were there to witness it and I was embarrassed. There is something about being humiliated by my cousin in front of everyone that made me want to isolate myself. I know what she did wasn’t the worst thing ever, but it felt really hurtful and my friends could probably pick up on what she was doing too.
Someone on one of the other sites (I think Reddit) said I was being self-centered for caring about my first love and my cousin because the relationship was long over. He/she said I had no reason to be hurt because neither my cousin nor the guy should have to hide their attraction for each other. However, I think what hurt me wasn’t that my first love would flirt with my cousin (although I think that’s a slight slap in the face. It’s like if you were to break up with a guy and then he flirts with your sister in front of you. She basically is my sister, I don’t know it feels wrong), but it was that my cousin didn’t stop it.
She let it happen to the point where he was obviously touching her and telling her she’s beautiful when I was right there talking to both of them in a conversation. Me, her, him, and my few friends were in a conversation and it was so weird. Like, both that guy and my cousin were leading the conversation and then I blinked and he was touching her and telling her she’s so beautiful.
I didn’t know if I was coming to this specific conclusion because I was hurt or if this is really what happened, but to me, it felt like my cousin was basking in the joy of him flirting with her. I felt like she was trying to pretend she didn’t understand why he was coming onto her so hard when in reality, she wasn’t stopping his obvious advances and was even slightly flirting back. It was a really complicated situation where I feel she was flirting with him before I came. I don’t mean to ramble about the situation, but for some reason, it’s still very hard for me to process. I just try to write my thoughts so I can organize them and understand them.
I felt that she wanted me to see him flirting with her so I would think that men think she is more desirable. I feel that that is just how she is. She uses men as proof that she is desirable, and I could somewhat tell, but it hurt because she knew what that guy meant to me. At the time, I didn’t know if I was getting those signals because I was jealous/hurt/confused or if it was actually what she was doing based on how close we are and how well I know her. But to me, it makes sense that she wanted to hurt me when I think it through. I felt so hurt on that day, I felt so alone and felt like she didn’t care.
It also is more clear to me now that she wanted to hurt me when she said my nose is big. It makes me so upset though because I went through all this pain because I truly believed my nose was a problem because of her. I don’t mean to be rude when I say this, but something I also noticed is that my cousin will praise girls who have bigger noises than me. She will say, “I want to look like her,” but she won’t say they need a nose job. I used to wonder if I’m blinde and my nose is actually bigger than theirs because there must be some reason why she says I need a nose job and they don’t. Right now, I am at a point where I don’t care if my nose is bigger than theirs or not. It’s just very confusing because I care about her opinion still. I want her to accept me, you know? I guess I have to work on that.
Something that I also thought I should mention is that I’ve been trying to pay attention to things that truly make me happy. And those include singing, dancing, movies, tv shows, cooking, taking care of myself, etc. I don’t have a problem with cooking, doing self-care, exercising, and all-around taking care of myself because I do that all the time. However, I’ve always been too shy to sing and dance. I always wanted to do it, but now that my confidence is slightlyyyy improving, I’m thinking about trying it out (in private though). I just wanted to know what your thoughts on that are. I am hoping that if I do things I like, my confidence will grow.
February 4, 2020 at 4:42 pm #336692
- This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Katie.
I thought I should update you about my text to her. I didn’t really know what to say so I made something up, but again, the conversation was extremely short. I feel like if she wanted to be my friend, she would continue the conversation, ask about my life, tell me about her’s, but she didn’t.
I just want to know if she wants to be my friend or not. It’s confusing for me. On Christmas, she wished me merry Christmas. On new years, she wished me a happy new year and said, “happy new year here’s to a year of new memories.” She has texted me about trips we could take in the summertime. Yet, our texts have slowed and completely stopped in the last month. When we do text, our conversations are extremely short. I don’t know if I’m in denial about her not wanting to be friends, if I’m overreacting and it’s my fault for not making enough of an effort, or if it’s just that we have anything in common anymore and I need to make an effort to reconnect. I think we do have a lot in common. We’re both in college, we’re both 20-year-old girls, we both stress about grades, we watch the same tv shows, we both want to travel to the same places, we live in the same hometown, etc.
I just want to know how it is between us so I can act accordingly. If she doesn’t want to be my friend, I want to move on and mourn the loss. If it’s my fault we grew apart because I’ve been so busy dealing with everything, I want to continue making an effort. I’m constantly switching between being angry at her for treating me badly and thinking it’s my fault because I stopped answering her. 🙁