Forum Replies Created
July 13, 2019 at 6:27 am #303143
Hi. Sorry that my reply is so late. I’m just going through my old posts and reading them. First, your comment really helped me when I read it and I decided to stop trying to become friends with those girls. I decided that I would rather make organic friendships than fight to make friends in college. And you are right, she may have been doing psychological bullying. Maybe she didn’t like me for some reason? All those girls seemed very close (even though it was only the third week of college) so maybe she just didn’t want me there and wanted to blame me? I don’t know. But for the rest of the school year, she was really nice to me and always tried talking to me when I saw her. Which confuses me but whatever.July 12, 2019 at 7:59 pm #303119
Thank you that is all true. I know that my cousin knows she was being rude because a week later she brought it up to me. She just mentioned it in passing but she was almost laughing about it to me. She seemed to be amused at how she said those hurtful things to me without a care. She was like “yeah sorry I told you your nose is big hahaha” but it wasn’t a sincere apology. It was more of a “wow I’m kind of a horrible person but it’s really amusing to me that I was able to tell you that without a care hahaha” kind of apology. After a long time of thinking this over and over, I can finally understand why setting boundaries is important. I was so hyper-focused on whether or not my nose was big. That was all I cared about. The truth is, my nose isn’t big. But my cousin is an extreme perfectionist and she was almost forcing her views onto myself, making me think this way too. To an average person, no my nose isn’t even close to big. To someone who only thinks you are beautiful if you have 0 flaws and look like a supermodel (as my cousin does), yes my nose is slightly big. Slightly. Sorry for going off on a tangent, I just like to write my thoughts down to help me understand them.
What is important to me is my health and happiness and I need to set healthy boundaries. I don’t need to look like a supermodel. There are more important things.July 7, 2019 at 11:07 am #302287
Also, to anyone in this thread:
Before I worked at this summer camp, I literally had a fear that a kid would say I looked like a witch. I thought, “I’m going to be working at a summer camp with a bunch of kids who have no filter. My hair is black and puffy and frizzy. Someone’s going to say it I know it” and low and behold, someone did. But I thought they would say it because of my hair. If my hair was straightened and silky/shiny, I probably wouldn’t have this fear. I also put my hair up for the first 2 weeks that I worked there because I was worried that some kid would point out my ugly hair.
I remember my cousin and I thought our great aunt looked like a witch. She was skinny, pale, and had hair similar to mine but darker.
I’d say I’m in shape, I am pale but also have a natural tan because I am Latina. So it must be the hair right? My great aunt didn’t even have an ugly nose so that gives me hope.
July 7, 2019 at 10:58 am #302279
- This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Katie.
thank you for that and I think that helped in a way. But I don’t think I will ever be able to truly believe that looks don’t matter. You can be the most kind, generous, and loving person but nobody will care if your looks don’t match. I’ve never been called ugly in my life. I mean to my face at least, the only time I can remember someone calling me ugly is my old friend who was really bitter and was jealous that the guy she liked had a crush on me instead. But she said it as if it was a fact. And my cousin tells me I’m above average in looks all the time yet she also says I need a nose job, so maybe she’s lying. Maybe everyone is lying to me, I don’t know. Kids are known to be honest so that’s why it really made me worried. Some say kids are the most honest people, others say kids simply say nonsense. I don’t know when people aren’t lying to me.
July 7, 2019 at 10:54 am #302277
- This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Katie.
Thank you for that. This journey of accepting myself has been to hard and painful that it seems like I will never be happy with myself. But I can’t just choose to not be offended. I just can’t. Also, if I did sit down with the kid and “discipline” him, do you think I could do it? I’m not experienced in discipline and I’m afraid it will cause problemsJuly 7, 2019 at 10:52 am #302275
Are you sure? This reply makes me feel so much better but I don’t want to get my hopes up. I don’t know why but my looks are so valuable to me. It’s hard for me to know whether or not I am attractive. Because I’ve had some of the most attractive, popular guys in my school choose me out of a sea of girls to choose from. At the same time, my cousin tells me I need a nose job. It’s hard for me to know. So little comments like this KILL me inside. I thought maybe he called me a witch because my hair is dark brown (almost black) and curly. And that day I brushed it, making it look big and puffy. It was also extremely humid that day and my hair became frizzy.
My only fear is that he meant my nose is ugly. For real, my biggest insecurity is my nose. I don’t care if he said I looked like a witch because I looked “mean” or “angry.” I don’t care if I looked like one because of my frizzy hair or black shirt. I ONLY care if he was talking about my nose. Which I think my nose is fine but my cousin tells me it’s not… so I have fear that she is right and other people see something about my nose that I don’t see. Sorry if I’m getting off topic, but I put my nose into multiple golden ratio masks (multiple front facing masks, a couple side profile masks) and each time my nose FITS. It’s a fact that nobody fits perfectly, but my nose is pretty close. So why did my cousin say this??? Am I missing something about my nose? Did this kid see my nose and think it looks downturned and witchy?July 1, 2019 at 8:34 pm #301715
I do have a supervisor who helps me. At the summer camp, there is one teacher and two assistant teachers. I am one of the assistant teachers, and the main teacher deals with most of the issues such as discipline. I don’t usually discipline them unless its a very small issue. Otherwise, I get the main teacher involved.
And as for the issue with my looks, I’d say they improved slightly although not enough to make me unbothered by this. I started working out regularly and I am becoming more confident in myself and my looks. I try to think clearly and remember that people have told me I have a nice face. I’m clearly not ugly. I may not be the most beautiful but I’m not ugly at all. I try to remember. I’ve improved but not that much I guess.
His words shouldn’t hurt me. You are right, I should help kids instead of worrying about their hurtful words. And I do for the most part. The part I enjoy most about my job is being a friend to every kid there. I was always super shy so when I see a shy kid, I make sure to include them. I try my hardest to get the shy kids to socialize. And I really feel a sense of self-worth when I can help a kid with their social skills. However, his words hurt me so bad still I don’t know why. There has been research done on female attractiveness, and they call an ugly skull a “witch skull” and a pretty skull an “angel skull.” Beautiful women have angel skulls while ugly women have witch skulls. Angel skulls have an upturned nose, high cheekbones, full lips, and a strong chin. Witch skulls have a downturned nose, small lips, and a weak chin. I think one of the reasons why his words affected me so much is because he literally called the little girl an angel and me a witch. You don’t need to do research to know when a girl looks like an angel, a princess, a mermaid, etc and when a girl looks like a witch or an evil, mean person. An 8-year-old would especially know this, being subjected to Disney princesses and superheroes. I think that’s why it hurts me so bad. I spend a lot of time wondering… “do I have an angel skull or a witch skull?” To me, I would say I am an angel skull.. and I hope that I am. But I don’t know. My fear is that this kid thinks my face looks like a witch. Maybe I’m not an angel skull. I don’t know. I get so anxious thinking about it. I look at pictures of myself and ask myself which skull I have. And I think maybe angel but I don’t know and maybe this kid thinks my nose is ugly and my face is ugly. That’s my fear. I also am sad that he clearly thinks of me as a mean person. My confusion though is that I literally never called this little girl ugly. I called her beautiful! I agreed with him and made that clear… yet he still felt the need to call me a witch? He’s only 8 but when I was 8 I would never say that to someone unless I genuinely believed they looked like an ugly witch. Especially since I was calling her beautiful as she was hitting me in the face (which really hurt too).
I also want to ask him what he meant by it… but I don’t know how. Should I say, “Hey (name), you said I look like a witch yesterday, what did you mean?” or is that weird? I don’t want to be weird to this 8-year-old and act so offended. I don’t want to make this situation weird because I know my offense to the situation probably isn’t normal…July 1, 2019 at 2:47 pm #301665
I also want to add (maybe to help myself too) that my cousin has told me hurtful and “honest” advice and has been wrong about it. For example, last summer I was choosing courses for my fall semester at college. I was about to be a freshman so I had no idea what courses to take. I wanted to take a certain course that is known to be difficult but nothing crazy. I wasn’t trying to take organic chemistry or quantum physics 100 or anything. It was a completely doable course, just known to be difficult for some people. After signing up for it, I asked my cousin if she thought it was a good decision because she is a year older than me and has experienced a year of college already.
Well, when I asked, she said some really hurtful things. In high school, I was really interested in a subject similar to this course. I put A LOT of time and energy into this subject. My cousin’s advice to me? She told me I wasn’t good at the subject in high school, so I am surely not going to be good at it in college. First of all, I WAS (and still am) good at this subject. She also wouldn’t be a good judge of who is good at it and who isn’t? I know I was good at it. Teachers told me I was really good! And based on my own judgment, I was good. And I was really hard on myself with this subject. Then, she insinuated that I was too stupid to take on such a difficult course load and should find something else.
Well, I actually ended up getting an A+ in the course (in both level 1 and 2) and I got a 3.9 for the semester. So she was clearly wrong.
July 1, 2019 at 2:33 pm #301663
- This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Katie.
For some reason, no matter how much I say it’s not my fault, I feel like it is. I feel like my nose is big. One day I think it’s not and the next day I think it is. I think my fear of telling her to stop comes from my fear of her being right. What if she isn’t the only one who thinks my nose is big? What if everyone else sees it, but she is the only one who is honest enough to tell me? My boyfriend swears my nose isn’t big… but he would lie to spare my feelings. Deep down I feel like my cousin doesn’t have issues. I feel like she is just stating her opinion. No matter how many times I put my nose into the golden ratio, I can’t knock the thought that she may just be telling me the truth. If I tell her to stop hurting me, I feel like I’m just making a fool of myself. She tells me to get a nose job… maybe I need one. Why would I turn down such good advice? Also, even if she has issues, me telling her to stop isn’t going to make her stop. She tells me hurtful and “honest” (in quotations because I have absolutely no idea if they are true or not) things all the time. Some things are even valuable and she genuinely seems to want the best for me. I can’t see where the line of lies and hurt end and honest, caring advice begins. If they even are lies. I don’t know why I feel this way but I do. It has been my cousin and my relationship dynamic for my entire life. I don’t know how to “fix” it especially since I don’t know what is the truth and what is a lie. What’s your opinion?June 16, 2019 at 8:02 pm #299391
Thank you for the advice. It’s nice to hear that I am not the only one in this type of situation. Let me know what happens if you reach out to her.June 15, 2019 at 1:16 pm #299325
That is what I am thinking too. I’m just scared she will never want to be friends again. But it hurts my feelings that she talks to Sarah (she was equally close to me and Sarah, she was friends with Sarah longer because of elementary school but we had a stronger friendship for longer). I’m just confused.June 15, 2019 at 1:14 pm #299321
I’m not sure why it is so important now. I think it is because now, after all this time, I am finally gaining my sense of self back and I am no longer busy with college maybe. I have been home from college for a month and am no longer dating my ex. Those two things were the only things keeping me from reaching out again.
June 15, 2019 at 1:11 pm #299319
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Katie.
Maybe you are right. She posted a picture on Instagram on vacation. So, I know she saw my text but maybe she didn’t answer because she is on vacation?June 2, 2019 at 12:57 am #296953
thank you for the advice. I thought about confronting her about it, but I am scared. I feel like her response will be “I’m honest sorry if you don’t like it” or something like that. I feel like I will end up hurt if I bring it up again. I’m not sure what to do.May 29, 2019 at 12:47 pm #296275
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Sorry for the late reply, but I returned back to this post because of the pain my cousin’s words have caused me. I developed low self esteem and felt as though I had developed body dysmorphia because of my cousin’s words. I started believing that my nose was so big and that I could not see how big it truly was. I’m not sure why my nose is my cousin’s business. She is not interested in becoming a surgeon at all. Looking back, she may just have been jealous or envious of me. I hate to accuse someone of being jealous of me but it is the only logical answer to this question. People tell me I am good looking all the time. I can look in a mirror and see that I am not ugly. My self esteem has risen since I distanced myself from her. I can see now that my nose is NOT big. I started researching the golden ratio and the proper proportions of a face. This research has helped me to understand that I do, in fact, have a normal sized nose. Of course, it is not perfect. It’s not a cute button nose, but it’s far from a bulbous one. I think my nose is the perfect shape, actually. Yes, it could be made slightlyyyy smaller with surgery if I wanted, but my nose is small enough. It’s not too big and not too small. It’s average sized. My cousin has told me I am not good enough for almost my entire life. She has held me back in many ways. She is not happy for me when good things happen in my life. She never compliments me. I never told her to stop obsessing with my nose because I don’t want her to know how much her words have hurt me. I do not trust her with my emotions at all.</p>
A side note: my cousin photoshops a lot of the pictures of her self that she posts on social media. I noticed that she photoshops her nose to be very unflattering for her face. She makes her nose way too thin to the point that it doesn’t look good. I used to not be able to trust my judgement. I thought, “well maybe I just have a warped judgement and I do not know what a good nose looks like.” Now I trust my judgement and can see that my cousin’s opinion of my nose is not an opinion to listen to.