Forum Replies Created
September 11, 2019 at 7:42 pm #311727
Wow, thank you I feel like you’re the only person who understands how I feel besides my mom. My mom has disliked this specific aunt and cousin because they have essentially looked down on me since I was a kid and my mom saw it. How did you deal with your kids being pegged the “problem children?” Did you get mad at the little side comments that woman would make?August 6, 2019 at 9:06 pm #306943
I kinda have, but not really. I feel like I “judge” everyone else to avoid feeling upset because I am not friends with them.August 6, 2019 at 9:04 pm #306941
I will try it and let you know how it worked. My only issue is with how to act happy when I feel I am not a naturally happy person.July 29, 2019 at 12:27 pm #305523
I am looking back on all of my old threads, and everything that everyone has said in the comments is true. About a year later, I feel like my crippling self-doubt and low self-esteem are more apparent than ever. I think this was the beginning stages of my journey into realizing how low my self-esteem is. At the same time, I am improving and becoming more confident.
I also want to state that I don’t think I was being realistic. The truth is, I rarely went out. I went to high school, went home, or hung out with my boyfriend. I was rarely even in social situations where guys could hit on me. I think I was comparing myself to my friends who were in social situations more often than I was. For example, my best friend had a very serious relationship similar to mine, but she had a job where she would interact with a lot of guys our age. She also was very prevalent on social media and was constantly posting pictures of herself, while I posted on Instagram 3 times a year. Obviously, she is going to get more attention.
After entering college, I was constantly in social situations… and guys did end up hitting on me. So I think I was just confused. I was being pretty self-centered… first, because I had a boyfriend, second because I expected guys to hit on me no matter what, and third because I expected to be hit on by guys without even putting myself in a situation where they could. I am still working on feeling confident without having the validation from others. It’s a process but I’m trying.July 29, 2019 at 7:03 am #305485
Thank you that makes sense. But also I just want to clear up that the guy isn’t my male cousin lol. I just know him from high school. It was probably hard to understand what I meant because I keep saying “cousin cousin cousin” and I probably wasn’t writing things correctly haha. But yeah, what you’re saying makes sense. You are saying that he liked me at the time, but that time is in the past. And I do understand that it is in the past, but one of the things that hurt me over this situation is that the guy just made it seem like he never liked me. I felt super delusional afterwards. I was thinking “am I delusional? I didn’t think I was… and I don’t think I am… but the only logical explanation for why my ex would flirt with my cousin is because he never liked me. But I thought he did. But I guess not if he could do this”. I just felt stupid. And embarrassed in front of everyone who knew how much I used to like him.
And yeah, maybe he was hitting on my cousin because he isn’t over me. Maybe. If that is true, I feel a little bit less stupid. Like, maybe he did like me in the past and he’s doing something so inappropriate like this to get to me. It worked. But i guess I will never know his true intentions on why he flirted with my cousin.
And when I said “having a boyfriend doesn’t stop anyone nowadays” I was trying to rationalize why he would flirt with my cousin if he wasn’t over me. I thought “maybe he flirted with my cousin because he knows he can’t have me as I have a boyfriend” but I feel like most guys don’t care if you have a boyfriend. They will still try to talk to you. I know my (current) boyfriend is loyal. Sorry if my story is confusing. There are so many details and I was just rambling when I wrote everything. So sorry for the confusion but your replies have helped me understand my emotions a lot. Thank you.July 29, 2019 at 6:52 am #305479
yeah I agree with what you said. Just seeing my cousin flirting with my ex… with my own eyes… felt so hurtful. I have understood that my relationship with my cousin is toxic even before this specific incident happened. But this kinda took it over the top. My worry isn’t that my cousin and my ex had a connection (I mean yeah, it sucks but whatever I can live). My real worry is that my cousin did this BECAUSE she doesn’t care about me or my feelings. That’s where the real pain is for me. Like I have a lot of feelings towards this (hurt over my ex flirting in front of me, hurt over being dumb enough to watch my ex flirt with someone in front of me, feeling ugly, etc), but my main hurt is over my cousin. My worry is that she saw my ex flirting with her as simply an opportunity to have fun and flirt back when she KNOWS it would hurt me (how could she not).July 29, 2019 at 6:46 am #305477
actually no the other way wasn’t my cousin haha. He was a guy from my high school. And I guess I do see that narrative now. But when my first love and my ex give my cousin all this attention…. it makes me feel like they never cared about me. Like yeah, my relationships with them are over. But I still lived in believing I had a real connection with them. And they are willing to disrespect me and push me aside… for my cousin. And having my cousin give in to those flirtations makes me feel disrespected by her too when she’s supposed to be my best friend.July 28, 2019 at 4:05 pm #305391
It was okay! I met a boy and we started dating. We’ve been dating for 6 months. I didn’t actually end up making any solid friendships with any girls. Which I’m fine with because my mindset for most of my classes was “just study and get through this”July 28, 2019 at 3:34 pm #305387
Thank you for your reply. How do I know that’s true? I feel like it’s not. Yeah, maybe I got away. BUT if I was the one that got away, these guys would be contacting me… not my cousin! Right? I currently have a boyfriend, but I feel like that doesn’t stop anyone nowadays. I feel like they aren’t flirting with my cousin to get to me. I feel like they just never cared about me and that’s why they are willing to hurt me in this way. I feel so…. pushed aside. I feel like nobody ever cared about me. These 2 people once meant EVERYTHING to me and they are treating me like I don’t exist. Why? I feel so broken over it… I can’t even get out of bed.July 28, 2019 at 3:28 pm #305383
Thank you for your reply. Everything you said makes sense. Except there is one thing I am worried about. When you said, “flip your thinking on its head – they were attracted to you FIRST.” I try thinking that way, but I realized something. I believe my cousin and I have developed a subconscious competition. She has always based her “beauty” off of how many guys like her. So, I don’t think she cares if my exes liked me first. In her head, this is the first time she is meeting them and they are clearly attracted to her. So she doesn’t care if they were attracted to me first and nobody else seems to care. I feel so stupid. I feel like I honestly believed my first love and my ex-boyfriend of 3 years liked me for me. I thought they were attracted to my looks over others’ looks. I thought they liked my personality over others. Maybe that type of thinking is wrong, but it’s how I viewed them. I liked their looks and their personalities over others. I probably wouldn’t flirt with any of their cousins or friends because I have no reason to. I chose to like them, not their friends. This makes me feel like they just pretended to like me or something. And to others – it makes it seem like I’m delusional. I REALLY believed my first love and I had something special? Well, people probably think I’m crazy for thinking that because if I really had something special with him, he wouldn’t be flirting with my cousin IN FRONT OF ME. It’s just embarrassing.July 13, 2019 at 6:27 am #303143
Hi. Sorry that my reply is so late. I’m just going through my old posts and reading them. First, your comment really helped me when I read it and I decided to stop trying to become friends with those girls. I decided that I would rather make organic friendships than fight to make friends in college. And you are right, she may have been doing psychological bullying. Maybe she didn’t like me for some reason? All those girls seemed very close (even though it was only the third week of college) so maybe she just didn’t want me there and wanted to blame me? I don’t know. But for the rest of the school year, she was really nice to me and always tried talking to me when I saw her. Which confuses me but whatever.July 12, 2019 at 7:59 pm #303119
Thank you that is all true. I know that my cousin knows she was being rude because a week later she brought it up to me. She just mentioned it in passing but she was almost laughing about it to me. She seemed to be amused at how she said those hurtful things to me without a care. She was like “yeah sorry I told you your nose is big hahaha” but it wasn’t a sincere apology. It was more of a “wow I’m kind of a horrible person but it’s really amusing to me that I was able to tell you that without a care hahaha” kind of apology. After a long time of thinking this over and over, I can finally understand why setting boundaries is important. I was so hyper-focused on whether or not my nose was big. That was all I cared about. The truth is, my nose isn’t big. But my cousin is an extreme perfectionist and she was almost forcing her views onto myself, making me think this way too. To an average person, no my nose isn’t even close to big. To someone who only thinks you are beautiful if you have 0 flaws and look like a supermodel (as my cousin does), yes my nose is slightly big. Slightly. Sorry for going off on a tangent, I just like to write my thoughts down to help me understand them.
What is important to me is my health and happiness and I need to set healthy boundaries. I don’t need to look like a supermodel. There are more important things.July 7, 2019 at 11:07 am #302287
Also, to anyone in this thread:
Before I worked at this summer camp, I literally had a fear that a kid would say I looked like a witch. I thought, “I’m going to be working at a summer camp with a bunch of kids who have no filter. My hair is black and puffy and frizzy. Someone’s going to say it I know it” and low and behold, someone did. But I thought they would say it because of my hair. If my hair was straightened and silky/shiny, I probably wouldn’t have this fear. I also put my hair up for the first 2 weeks that I worked there because I was worried that some kid would point out my ugly hair.
I remember my cousin and I thought our great aunt looked like a witch. She was skinny, pale, and had hair similar to mine but darker.
I’d say I’m in shape, I am pale but also have a natural tan because I am Latina. So it must be the hair right? My great aunt didn’t even have an ugly nose so that gives me hope.
July 7, 2019 at 10:58 am #302279
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Katie.
thank you for that and I think that helped in a way. But I don’t think I will ever be able to truly believe that looks don’t matter. You can be the most kind, generous, and loving person but nobody will care if your looks don’t match. I’ve never been called ugly in my life. I mean to my face at least, the only time I can remember someone calling me ugly is my old friend who was really bitter and was jealous that the guy she liked had a crush on me instead. But she said it as if it was a fact. And my cousin tells me I’m above average in looks all the time yet she also says I need a nose job, so maybe she’s lying. Maybe everyone is lying to me, I don’t know. Kids are known to be honest so that’s why it really made me worried. Some say kids are the most honest people, others say kids simply say nonsense. I don’t know when people aren’t lying to me.
July 7, 2019 at 10:54 am #302277
- This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by Katie.
Thank you for that. This journey of accepting myself has been to hard and painful that it seems like I will never be happy with myself. But I can’t just choose to not be offended. I just can’t. Also, if I did sit down with the kid and “discipline” him, do you think I could do it? I’m not experienced in discipline and I’m afraid it will cause problems