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coconut

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  • #308475

    coconut
    Participant

    I saw your post after I posted mine. I will try yherapy as soon as possible.

    #308469

    coconut
    Participant

    I think I always felt like a helpless little girl, and wanted for my boyfriend to be more like a parent to me. I don’t know how to be in a relationship…I don’t know how to be a whole person by myself. I am too sensitive, I always feel like a victim.

    #308461

    coconut
    Participant

    I don’t know if that’s the case.
    All my life I wanted someone who could fill the void in my heart with emotional security, consistency, always being there for me and putting up with my insecurities.

    I met him. He did just that. But at the same time knowing when to care for himself which I really admire even though that hurt me.

    Now that I trust him, I really don’t have any reason to be insecure, we finally moved in, he loves me and shows it to me, I feel like my anxiety should not be there. But it is. I feel like something is wrong, I can’t feel love anymore, I don’t feel like being physically close to him anymore.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  coconut.
    #308407

    coconut
    Participant

    Hello anita. I’m trying to get in touch with an online therapist because this past 2 days all I felt was anxiety and confusion. Until now I didn’t talk to any specialist because they weren’t online.

    Is there a chance to get back in love with him? I have a bad feeling that must be because of past hurts because he never understands my anxiety and for him is very stressful and becomes really angry. I just want to work things out….And I also feel guilty because many of our fights if not almost all of them happened because of my bad thoughts, anxiety and the way I reacted…He indeed is a good man and sticked with me, but he says he will never accept a bad treatment and that he doesn’t understand and never will. He just doesn’t want to understand I don’t want to burden him or accuse him, I have bad thoughts and I tell him but he hates if I repeat myself…. And the thing is, no one will ever put up with my insecurities for this long and no one will make me feel safer emotionally than he does. And it hurts me so much. I don’t want to give up on him…

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  coconut.
    #294647

    coconut
    Participant

    I need some perspective on my situation from people who have been in a long term relationship.

    A little background (again): We have been in a relationship for 4 years, we broke up for 5 months after 2.5 years, and we moved in together 3 months ago.

    I don’t feel any affection/attraction for my boyfriend (he does for me; I care for him very much, I feel like I don’t want anybody else). Everything is fine between us. Am I just bored or I fell out of love with him? I don’t know what to do…breaking up makes no sense for me, I am content about how things are right now, it’s better than ever. But I don’t know… if I don’t feel love and affection…what should I do? Is it normal?

    #291743

    coconut
    Participant

    I don’t know what I can say more… My parents kind of always disagree/disapprove each other but there are also times when they talk and they get each other and get along.

    #291719

    coconut
    Participant

    I was always the one who yelled (and also my mother used to yell). I don’t know, he always had his eyes on me and nag me all the time and told me how to do the smallest things and that annoyed me very much and the most frequent sentence I would yell at him was “leave me alone!!!” because I couldn’t do anything without him keeping his eyes on me and tell me how to do it.

    #291715

    coconut
    Participant

    When we were in a ldr my boyfriend was the one who came in my city to see me, but there were several times when I went to his city and my father would say things like “Why are you the one who goes there? He’s the boy he has to come to you” and it’s really annoying and makes no sense. 1. because he was the one to come like 99% of the time, and 2. because I didn’t see a problem for me to go there, and I don’t have this old mentality that he has to do everything because he’s the man and I don’t have to do anything because I’m the girl. This is the only example that comes to my mind right now. Or when I would fight with my boyfriend (because I would pick fights or felt unsatisfied on some level) and he would not answer to my calls/texts and completely ignored me and I was crying and panicking my parents hated to see me like that, but my father would say that he doesn’t love me… like he was supposed to accept me picking fights with him and not have any reaction.

    #291711

    coconut
    Participant

    Hello anita. Thank you for taking the time to understand my story and give me your opinion.

    <<But you get anxious when he doesn’t understand how you feel at any one time, for seeing things differently, for disagreeing with you and for having “different opinions on trivial things, not the important ones”, for the fact that “he doesn’t find funny the things I find funny and vice versa”, and “Sometimes I can’t tell when he’s joking or not and I have to ask because he doesn’t clarify it by himself… I find it annoying when I don’t get his jokes”.>>

    I used to get really anxious when I would feel bad, annoyed, anxious and acted bad towards him because I couldn’t control myself and instead of comforting me he would in turn become really angry and mad at me (which is kind of understandable), but that’s not the case anymore in the present. Also he doesn’t make those ‘bad’ jokes anymore and now I know when he’s kidding or not.

    By disagreeing with me I mean that he says his opinion and most of the time we have kind of different opinions and views and also we don’t really have the same sense of humor, but there are still times when we can make each other laugh. And this makes me think that we are incompatible, I don’t feel like he gets me or that I get him cause we see things differently and I’m talking about…normal stuff in conversation…not even the big things. I feel the need to be kind of alike on some level so I can feel…connected and at peace. I don’t like it when I talk about something or I find something funny and he doesn’t get it and doesn’t understand things the way I do or at least similar.

    <<What you experienced with your father is a combination of something like this: a strong emotional attachment to him, fear of the next time he disagreed with you (disagreeing with you when it was not called for, not necessary, in an eager-to fight kind of way), fear of his anger, fear of losing whatever affection he had for you, and your own anger at him.>>

    The thing is my father is rarely angry, he is the kind of person that can make you feel really annoyed while he is calm, by telling his opinions that are totally different than mines and his mentality is kind of different and he annoys me when he says things the way he sees them but he knows I don’t agree with them. Most of the time when I said something or talked to him he would say things that made me really angry cause I didn’t get him and I thought his opinions are not right or according to reality but I couldn’t make him understand things. I think we have kind of a cold relationship, like we talk but also he doesn’t “get” me. But I like it when we finally and rarely agree on things. Instead with my mother I feel that she gets me and since I was 6 yo or something I had separation anxiety and panicked if my mother wasn’t with me.

    <<Same with your boyfriend, you are emotionally attached to him (“I am extremely attached to him and dependent”), afraid 0f losing him, feeling at times angry at him, and being afraid he will be angry at you in return. With your boyfriend, like with your father, you are very alert to any potential disagreements, and you feel threatened by any disagreements, no matter how trivial, any differences of opinion- because it didn’t take much for your father to direct aggression at you, any trivial disagreement could have led to his aggression.>>

    I don’t feel angry at my bf anymore since we moved in and I don’t feel afraid of him being angry at me cause he has no reason to be and won’t be.

     

     

    #291637

    coconut
    Participant

    Everytime we were fighting and he wanted to leave him alone to calm down I had bad anxiety attacks and I felt so scared to lose him I just wanted him to love me again and stop being mad and angry at me… So in those moments I couldn’t really know how I feel. If he would want to break up now for example…. I won’t feel like I’m okay with it, I would feel hurt that he left me and I would feel like a victim.

    But now when he’s so great to me and understanding and loving I feel like I have the freedom to know how I feel without the fear of being left.

    #291631

    coconut
    Participant

    Indeed, I grew up kind of angry and yelling.

    Now I don’t feel angry with my boyfriend. I feel scared that maybe I don’t “love” him anymore (even though, without any feeling of dependence and attachment I can say I am happy now with him 100% and with our relationship). I am a little…annoyed if I can say this, that he felt scared to lose me after I felt like I don’t feel anything anymore. We could have moved a long time ago if he realized then what he realized 2 months ago.

    At the same time I didn’t treat him well either….I can say I don’t like that we went through these years behaving toxic with each other…And we couldn’t understand each other.

    And it was that really bad break up that…broke me. Maybe my feelings faded away …. but I really want to work this out and I feel it’s really not worth it to break up.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by  coconut.
    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by  coconut.
    #291577

    coconut
    Participant

    I feel like I can’t live without him. Everything about me involves him. I feel like I associate my identity with him. This scares me very much. Every memory about myself, even thinking about myself and how I feel somehow involves him too like we’re one and the same person. He knows everything about me, he knows me. All my memories are with him, all my dreams about the future are about him. I am extremely attached to him and dependent. I feel like is so unhealthy but I can’t see myself or my life without him in it. Things are going great, so why do I have these thoughts? Maybe I am scared of being dependent on him because I don’t love him anymore? And so, being dependent (even though I may not have feelings anymore) doesn’t let me break up because I would be devastated and couldn’t recognize myself anymore.

    I really need some opinions.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by  coconut.
    #291571

    coconut
    Participant

    Hello again. It seems like those panic attacks and confusion came back. I cried, I had several panic attacks these days. Then I kind of stopped having these panic attacks but I still can’t feel love/affection towards him and I don’t know what to do. I told him everything, he listened to me, he didn’t change his behavior towards me he is still loving and affectionate and kind. I don’t want to break up with him or lose him/be without him. Since we moved in everything is better than ever, he is really affectionate, we don’t fight anymore, things are really nice. I mean, everything seems perfect.

    But I feel like those “love” feelings are not there anymore, I don’t feel like being affectionate, I don’t feel anything when he is affectionate…at least not these past days. I don’t want anybody else, I don’t like anybody else and I know nobody would compare to him or our relationship. He is in my heart and he is my everything and I can’t see myself without him. But since those thoughts and panic attacks came back again I just… can’t feel anything. I know breaking up with him is not the solution, but at the same time… I don’t know what to do. I want him, I want a family, I really like how things are, he really cares for me and I care for him, he is amazing.

    Should I break up with him? Can I get those feelings back? (considering that things are really great between us, so in the present there is no problem or something that needs to be fixed…and I still can’t feel ‘love’) Maybe for me this is the problem that everything is great, and I really trust him 100% and we don’t fight anymore…Maybe I need that to feel…”love”? Before we moved in even though we loved each other our relationship was kind of toxic, we broke up once, we were fighting almost all the time …. I don’t know. I know that I don’t want a break up, but at the same time being with him makes me feel unsettled for some reason, all because I don’t FEEL THE LOVE….

    #288357

    coconut
    Participant

    I think I have some form of depression or anxiety because of life. I don’t feel motivated to do anything, I don’t feel like anything matters. I think of the fact that we are all going to die and not exist at some point and it makes me scared and also feel like everything is pointless. I am trying to enjoy life but I don’t feel my heart light. I always have this bugging feeling, this fear, a fear that is real.

    I’ve experienced some overwhelming panic attacks several times. And I have experienced some moments where I felt very shocked and scared and now.. I don’t know. I can’t feel free/light in my heart anymore. If I get excited about something, it doesn’t last 1 minute.

    It shocks me and I can’t understand how can you exist in one moment and be gone the next (or how can you love someone and then get so angry at them that you would hurt them a lot and not think for one second of how they must be feeling and that you actually love them). I always think that all of this could end any time, and at some point it will. I don’t feel like this reality is real, because it will end, it’s not permanent. And actually I can do anything I want, and change the course of my life or this reality…this makes me uncomfortable. I don’t feel joy, I don’t feel motivated. I prefer to stay at home, in my comfort zone because I don’t want something to happen to me that could have been avoided. For example, I would like to travel with an airplane…but I am scared that it would crash (I know the plane is safer than something else) or that I would get to a country and die because of a terrorist attack or some natural  disaster….and then I would die and everything would have been avoided if I had stayed home… I know this is not okay and I must heal from the fear/shock I felt in the past but I don’t know how to do this.

     

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  coconut.
    #288191

    coconut
    Participant

    Hello anita. You pointed out very well, the anger. I feel anger/frustration and fear and the need to avoid. I feel like I never have energy for being around people….

    You asked me what would I say to my parents but I can’t think of anything, I always told them everything and the truth and what I want from them.

    I don’t think it’s all about my parents, it may also be because of my experiences with other people.

    I want to focus more on the present and what I feel now and why.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  coconut.
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 72 total)