Social awkwardness, low self esteem

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This topic has 20 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by Anonymous.

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April 8, 2019 at 8:52 am #288065

Anonymous
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Dear coconut:

So far I mentioned your fear, or anxiety, but I can see your anger more clearly, this morning as I re-read your posts. I think that your anger is as strong as your fear, or close to it.

“The reason I don’t talk much is because.. I know people don’t really care… I don’t like to share because people don’t actually care… I don’t like to share because I feel like they don’t really care enough”- it is clear to me that you experienced a lot of that, talking and being discounted, or ignored. When that happens a lot, a person naturally gets very frustrated and angry.

Thing is, you have a lot to say, “I wanna be real and honest and tell myself only the truth”- if you could tell only the truth to your mother, what would you say, or to your father, what would it be?

You wrote that you are a private person, but here on your thread, not having revealed your real name and identifying details, you can do just that, say it here. I promise you this: I will not discount what you say. I will respect what you say to your mother and/ or your father as the truth. I will read attentively and respond thoroughly. And I want to know, I care to know.

anita

April 8, 2019 at 10:44 pm #288191
coconut
Participant
Hello anita. You pointed out very well, the anger. I feel anger/frustration and fear and the need to avoid. I feel like I never have energy for being around people….

You asked me what would I say to my parents but I can’t think of anything, I always told them everything and the truth and what I want from them.

I don’t think it’s all about my parents, it may also be because of my experiences with other people.

I want to focus more on the present and what I feel now and why.
- This reply was modified 5 years ago by coconut.
April 9, 2019 at 9:02 am #288263

Anonymous
Guest

Dear coconut:

“I want to focus more on the present and what I feel now and why”- the why of what we feel in the present.. is in the past. Most of us keep re-experiencing the past much of the time. Our brain was formed during those formative years of childhood, many connections/ neuropathways made then and those neuropathways are strong, held together with the glue of strong emotion.

And so, what happens in the present is processed through those existing neuropathways and interpreted there.

If you want to focus on the present only, that would mean, I suppose, learning certain skills, such as being assertive. You can learn how to do it, how to go about it better than before. You can learn better communication skills.

How would you like to focus on the present and on your “experiences with other people”?

anita

April 9, 2019 at 9:51 am #288285

Mark
Participant

coconut,

A way to shift things in your life is to shift how you view yourself. Focus on accepting yourself, who you are at this moment. You already noted what you don’t like about yourself but make sure those are things that YOU want to change rather than feeling you have to change because of others.

Be aware of your language for our words help shape our reality. Using words about your feelings like “stupid,” “inadequate,” “clumsy” are judgement words rather than feeling words (check out Non-Violent Communication for a list of universal feelings and needs.

You talk about not wanting to pretend and say to yourself that you are beautiful or intelligent. How about telling yourself what things that you have done “well” in for the day, i.e. a daily self-appreciation journal/affirmation exercise? You are re-programming your neural pathways from habitual negative thinking to something more positive. This approach is based in science. Instead of making up something like you are “beautiful” you can affirm yourself with noting something you did concretely like saying you took care of yourself (which is a good thing) by making yourself breakfast or that you put yourself “out there” by being vulnerable by posting here on this website (therefore you are courageously vulnerable).

Mark

April 9, 2019 at 1:48 pm #288357
coconut
Participant
I think I have some form of depression or anxiety because of life. I don’t feel motivated to do anything, I don’t feel like anything matters. I think of the fact that we are all going to die and not exist at some point and it makes me scared and also feel like everything is pointless. I am trying to enjoy life but I don’t feel my heart light. I always have this bugging feeling, this fear, a fear that is real.

I’ve experienced some overwhelming panic attacks several times. And I have experienced some moments where I felt very shocked and scared and now.. I don’t know. I can’t feel free/light in my heart anymore. If I get excited about something, it doesn’t last 1 minute.

It shocks me and I can’t understand how can you exist in one moment and be gone the next (or how can you love someone and then get so angry at them that you would hurt them a lot and not think for one second of how they must be feeling and that you actually love them). I always think that all of this could end any time, and at some point it will. I don’t feel like this reality is real, because it will end, it’s not permanent. And actually I can do anything I want, and change the course of my life or this reality…this makes me uncomfortable. I don’t feel joy, I don’t feel motivated. I prefer to stay at home, in my comfort zone because I don’t want something to happen to me that could have been avoided. For example, I would like to travel with an airplane…but I am scared that it would crash (I know the plane is safer than something else) or that I would get to a country and die because of a terrorist attack or some natural disaster….and then I would die and everything would have been avoided if I had stayed home… I know this is not okay and I must heal from the fear/shock I felt in the past but I don’t know how to do this.
- This reply was modified 5 years ago by coconut.
April 9, 2019 at 3:04 pm #288361

Anonymous
Guest

Dear coconut:

Fear is the most powerful emotion, the most distressing. I think we all fear death, it is hard to understand ceasing to exist. But as I look at nature and death being as common as life, it is not a tragedy in nature, business as usual. It is probably that us humans, because we can imagine eternity, we get so devastated that we are not the eternal we can imagine.. and desire to be.

“I don’t feel like anything matters”- but it matters, to “be real and honest and tell myself only the truth”, this is what you want, you stated so, and what you want matters.

“how can you love someone and then get so angry at them that you would hurt them a lot and not think for one second of how they must be feeling and that you actually love them”-

– anger is an emotion that has in it the intent to hurt another (or to scare another with the threat of hurting them). The angry person wants the person they are angry with to hurt, they find satisfaction in that, at least temporarily.

Would you like to share about who gets or got so angry at you and hurt you?

* I will be away from the computer for about 15 hours and will be glad to read from you when I return, if you choose to answer me.

anita
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