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  • #248499
    VLC90
    Participant

    I apologize in advance for the length that may become of this forum post, and thank all those who take the time to reply 🙂

    I have been experiencing some turmoil of what to do in my relationship. It seems as though in all other parts of my life I am able to reflect on what it is I want with clarity and make decisions, however, relationships have always been an issue in the sense that I lack clarity.

    My ex and I had been dating for two years. He is a very patient and understanding man who I know loves me dearly. When we were together, our relationship lacked a few things that I mentioned to him at several points throughout. For example, he was not affectionate, sex was very selfish, he wouldn’t talk about a timeline for getting engaged and moving in, and I often felt that he was unkind towards others. I loved him through all of this until one day I felt as though I was not myself anymore, and ended the relationship ship. This was about 6 months ago. When I left the relationship I felt immediate relief and noticed that I had felt these uncomfortable feelings about my ex for over a year.

    About two months ago, I started dating a coworker of mine who had tried to pursue me for over a year, which I paid no attention to other than friends. I genuinely enjoyed my company with him and we laugh our heads off whenever we’re together. So it felt right when we started dating. It felt like a friendship which is something that I really lacked in my last relationship (the fun and friendship part). Things were going really well; however, I didn’t feel right making the relationship official because my ex has constantly been in the picture begging me to give him another chance. He has said that his life isn’t the same without me and he will do anything to prove that he is different now. I am torn because I care so deeply about my ex and worry that I will not get the things that I got from him from my new relationship. Specifically, the feeling of security and calmness that I felt with my ex.

    I am having a hard time making a decision on what my next step should be. Or how to even take a step forward to come to that decision. Any help or suggestion would be useful. Thank you so much!

    #248515
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear VLC90:

    You asked “how to even take a step forward  to  come to that decision”.

    A step toward for  me in understanding your situation would be to  ask you regarding “the feeling of security and calmness” that you felt with your ex- was just a feeling or if it was a feeling  based on real life security that  he  provided you with and which you can rely on now?

    If it is the latter, what security did he and will he provide you with?

    anita

    #248525
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your reply. The feeling of security and calmness came from his patience and understanding of me. When I feel uncomfortable or nervous about our relationship, he is really good at being logical and calming me down. He also accepts who I am and understands me more than I have experienced before. There is an element of financial security that comes from him which isn’t a huge factor, but is still there. The big problem is that even with this, I’ve always felt like something is off and not quite right with the relationship.

    #248529
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi VLC90,

    You mentioned several things about your ex..you said you felt he was “unkind to people” which to me would be a game changer..you also mentioned no timeline, so even if you did get back with him, the old feelings of frustration would come back. You also mentioned sex was very selfish, which I don’t quite know what is meant by that, and that you felt something was missing. He now is lonely and having 2nd thoughts, but how has he changed? What steps has he taken to change and get better..has he had counseling sessions? Just some things to ponder..x

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Eliana.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Eliana.
    #248539
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Eliana,

    Thank you for your reply. Yes, him being unkind was a big problem for me. Following our breakup, he has shortened his rent lease. He said that he did that so we can buy a place together and that he now wants to talk about all of the things that I wanted to discuss before. Prior to our breakup, any mention of these things was a very negative experience. So I find it a bit overwhelming that he wants to change these things so suddenly.

    In regards to sex, it was selfish in the sense that it would be quick. He would finish and he wouldn’t take care of me in the same way. Which I found very frustrating. He also mentions that he was aware of this and wants to change it.

    throughout this process, he said he has spoken to many people and has reflected on how selfish he’s been. He said he spoke to his family and they said he’s always had an issue of treating those who loved him most poorly because he just assumed that they’d always be there. Now he is saying that he’s ready to devote his life to me and making me happy.

    #248599
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear VLC90:

    To suggest anything possibly useful to you I need more information:

    1. “When  I feel uncomfortable or nervous about our relationship, he is really  good at being logical and calming me down”- what does he say to you that is logical and calms you down?

    2. “He also accepts  who I am and  understands me more than I have experienced before”- what does he  say and do that communicates to you that he accepts and understands you so well?

    3. “Prior to our breakup, any mention of these  things was a very negative experience”- what things and what was the negative experiences like?

    anita

    #248613
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi VLC90,

    You have only been broken up for a relatively short time. It’s not like he’s had time to TRULY change for the better. It’s just that he’s figured out that he better play better with others or he’ll be lonely.

    While I don’t condone dating a workmate, just tell your ex-boyfriend: “I’ve met someone”. That’s it. No further discussion.

    By the way, instead of choosing one or the other, why don’t you choose YOU?

    Best,

    Inky

    #248645
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I will try to answer them as thoroughly as possible. As you can imagine, there are many details that have been left out because of the length and depth of relationships, so I appreciate your questions.

    1. “When  I feel uncomfortable or nervous about our relationship, he is really  good at being logical and calming me down”- what does he say to you that is logical and calms you down?

    – When I feel uncomfortable about our relationship, it is generally because something did not feel right. While I mentioned the issues that had bothered me at multiple times throughout our relationship, I found that they would be worked on for a bit and then the pattern would continue. When I would vocalize how I was feeling, or feeling anxious, he would talk to me about what I was feeling, which I assumed was relationship OCD, and talk to me about how I should work through my feelings and that I know they are just my fears coming through. He would also talk to me about the great parts of our relationship, which I sometimes had a hard time seeing.

    2. “He also accepts  who I am and  understands me more than I have experienced before”- what does he  say and do that communicates to you that he accepts and understands you so well?

    – I feel like he understand and accepts me very well because he can anticipate how I will respond to situations and adjust. While I feel as though I had lost my fun side around him, I do feel as though intellectually and emotionally we understood each other because of our ability to work through conflict.

    3. “Prior to our breakup, any mention of these  things was a very negative experience”- what things and what was the negative experiences like?

    – Prior to our breakup, anytime I would mention getting married or engaged or moving in, it would be met with a brash response such as “it’s not happening now so why bother talking about it”. Which discouraged me from wanting to bring it up. Following our relationship, he said that he understands that he was afraid of fully committing and now wants to talk about all of the things I wanted to talk about, and even gave a year timeline, which now frightens me. It was negative because I could not get excited about our future.

    #248659
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear VLC90:

    I want to read your recent post attentively and I will be able to do  so when I return to the computer in about fifteen hours. If you have anything to add to your recent post  before I am back, please do. I will reply when I am back.

    anita

    #248683
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thank you for your reply! The person I am dating no longer works with me, as I am also against dating in the workplace.

    I guess my concern is being unfair and not giving someone another chance after all the time we spent together. I also worry about regretting this in the future.

    #253663
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear VLC90:

    You wrote about the feeling you had in your previous relationship: “the feeling of security and calmness that I felt  with  my ex”. Problem is you got that  feeling every once in a while following the distress you felt  otherwise in that relationship: “he was not affectionate, sex was very selfish… I felt  as though I was not  myself anymore… When  I left the  relationship I felt  immediate  relief and noticed that I had  felt  these uncomfortable feelings  about  my ex  for over a year.”

    So for over a year, you felt uncomfortable with your ex, and once  in a while, when you felt  uncomfortable, he would make you feel better. That  calm would  last  for a little while  and the discomfort resumed.

    You mentioned Relationship OCD, if that  was part of the  conversations with your ex that made you feel better (?), that means that the… blame  for the  discomfort was placed on an issue you alone have, not him, a disorder  (ROCD), correct?

    For a woman suffering from ROCD,  it doesn’t make it so that  every man is the right man for her; it doesn’t mean that all problems in a relationship are a result  of her issues, all a matter of OCD.

    Of the two options at this  point, it  seems to me that the “new guy”  is a better option.

    anita

    #257581
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your reply.

    I agree with everything that you are saying, and have thought the same things, and have mentioned this to him. I think the issue is that I see him in so much pain and he is saying that he has changed and wants to change for our future. He is talking about moving in together now, and that he understands where he was selfish in the relationship. I am still feeling unsure and uncomfortable. I think my big issue is that I am going to regret not giving him a second chance and worry that I am not being fair.

    I have gone on a few dates with him, and have yet to feel anything sexual. But I do feel that sense of comfort that I was mentioning earlier.

    Thank you again,

    VLC90

    #259619
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear VLC90:

    It  is  difficult to see a person  you care for  being  in pain. I do  hope he feels better soon. But you getting back with him because he is in pain is not the answer when that means that  the result  will be  the two of you ending up in pain.

    Sinking into someone else’s  pain is a no win situation.

    With the  new guy, you haven’t  had pain yet, correct? I vote for being with  him  over  getting back together with the  ex.

    (He told you he changed or will change… if it was  only that easy or fast).

    anita

    #266771
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I am having a difficult time with this as I still feel so connected to him. For the most part, I am okay not speaking with him, seeing him, or having sex with him, but I can’t seem to let it go completely.

    I am worried that the excitement of this new relationship with my friend is confusing me from seeing what I actually have in my ex. Another part, of me thinks that it shouldn’t be this complicated. I do find though that because of my past experience with an old therapist, I was told that I am experiencing these feelings because of my inner child. So I am having a hard time trusting myself as a result.

    #266775
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  VLC90:

    What did the old therapist say regarding your inner child in connection to your attachment to this man?

    anita

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