Hi Anita,

I will try to answer them as thoroughly as possible. As you can imagine, there are many details that have been left out because of the length and depth of relationships, so I appreciate your questions.

1. “When  I feel uncomfortable or nervous about our relationship, he is really  good at being logical and calming me down”- what does he say to you that is logical and calms you down?

– When I feel uncomfortable about our relationship, it is generally because something did not feel right. While I mentioned the issues that had bothered me at multiple times throughout our relationship, I found that they would be worked on for a bit and then the pattern would continue. When I would vocalize how I was feeling, or feeling anxious, he would talk to me about what I was feeling, which I assumed was relationship OCD, and talk to me about how I should work through my feelings and that I know they are just my fears coming through. He would also talk to me about the great parts of our relationship, which I sometimes had a hard time seeing.

2. “He also accepts  who I am and  understands me more than I have experienced before”- what does he  say and do that communicates to you that he accepts and understands you so well?

– I feel like he understand and accepts me very well because he can anticipate how I will respond to situations and adjust. While I feel as though I had lost my fun side around him, I do feel as though intellectually and emotionally we understood each other because of our ability to work through conflict.

3. “Prior to our breakup, any mention of these  things was a very negative experience”- what things and what was the negative experiences like?

– Prior to our breakup, anytime I would mention getting married or engaged or moving in, it would be met with a brash response such as “it’s not happening now so why bother talking about it”. Which discouraged me from wanting to bring it up. Following our relationship, he said that he understands that he was afraid of fully committing and now wants to talk about all of the things I wanted to talk about, and even gave a year timeline, which now frightens me. It was negative because I could not get excited about our future.

Hi Inky,

Thank you for your reply! The person I am dating no longer works with me, as I am also against dating in the workplace.

I guess my concern is being unfair and not giving someone another chance after all the time we spent together. I also worry about regretting this in the future.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply.

I agree with everything that you are saying, and have thought the same things, and have mentioned this to him. I think the issue is that I see him in so much pain and he is saying that he has changed and wants to change for our future. He is talking about moving in together now, and that he understands where he was selfish in the relationship. I am still feeling unsure and uncomfortable. I think my big issue is that I am going to regret not giving him a second chance and worry that I am not being fair.

I have gone on a few dates with him, and have yet to feel anything sexual. But I do feel that sense of comfort that I was mentioning earlier.

Thank you again,

VLC90

Hi Anita,

I am having a difficult time with this as I still feel so connected to him. For the most part, I am okay not speaking with him, seeing him, or having sex with him, but I can’t seem to let it go completely.

I am worried that the excitement of this new relationship with my friend is confusing me from seeing what I actually have in my ex. Another part, of me thinks that it shouldn’t be this complicated. I do find though that because of my past experience with an old therapist, I was told that I am experiencing these feelings because of my inner child. So I am having a hard time trusting myself as a result.