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Viewing 5 posts - 16 through 20 (of 20 total)
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  • #266817
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    When we’ve talked about my concerns throughout the relationship (my feeling of uncertainty), she would say that it stems from my parents divorce and that whenever I’m uncomfortable, I want to run away. She said that our communication with each other is good, which it was very good, and that I am demonstrating an anxious attachment style.

    I stopped going to her because I found that CBT for me was not the most effective style, as I tend to overthink and then me trying to rationalize my thoughts spirals until they become too big to rationalize. I am seeing a new therapist who practices Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) which I find has really helped with my anxiety, but I am having a hard time trusting and understanding what it is I am feeling, like in this instance.

    VLC

    #266845
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  VLC:

    Your previous therapist said that whenever you feel uncomfortable you want to run away. Everyone does, including your former therapist who suggested this. It is healthy and mature to resist the urge until you find out the reality of the situation. The reality of your relationship with your ex boyfriend is not all about your parents’ divorce and your attachment style, it is also about his parents and his attachment style and other issues he has.

    In other words,  when you are aware or become aware of your own issues, it doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t  have  issues, he may have more issues than you do!

    It is  nice that  your ex boyfriend calmed you when you were distressed, but I f he is the legitimate cause of a good part  of your  distress, better  you avoid the source of the distress than have the source calm you down after distressing you.

    His lack of affection for you in the past, how did it look like, what did he say or not say, do  or not do that showed his lack of affection for you?

    anita

    #266847
    VLC90
    Participant

    I completely understand what you’re saying, and think that I have the tendency to reflect inward as opposed to what the other person is doing. So thank you for pointing that out to me.

    As for his lack of affection, it would come in many forms. Physically, he would not be the one to hold my hand for long periods of time in public. When he would do it, it would be to make me happy and then be followed by a ‘joking’ comment such as “okay, that’s enough”. When we’d sit together on the couch, he’d be on one side and I’d be on the other, despite me mentioning that I am feeling distant and wanted to be close. I also felt as though our relationship lacked spontaneity – there would be no kisses or hugs just because. Sex, as I mentioned, was selfish and made me not even want to kiss and engage by the end of it.

    Also, there was a lack of emotional intimacy that I felt. We didn’t really talk about our feelings for one another, because, and this may be a cultural thing, he just assumed that I would know how he felt. This was the same with marriage, moving in, children, etc.

    In the small times we’ve spent together, he has made an effort to show these to me. I have been unable to kiss him more than a peck, and definitely have not been able to have sex because I feel emotionally closed off right now. When I talk to him about whether this is something that is sustainable for him, and not just something he is doing for me, he responds by saying that it is sustainable because he knows that if he ever went back to the way he was he’d lose me again.

    #266865
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear VLC:

    He learned long ago that  it  is not  safe for him to display affection, and he learned his lesson well. The fact that he hasn’t been affectionate with you, it doesn’t mean he  is a bad  guy or that it  is even his choice. This choice was made for him when he was rejected, as a child, being affectionate.

    Unfortunately it is  far from being easy, unlearning the lesson he  learned. He  is afraid  of losing you, so he is motivated to display affection and he probably will, intentionally, for a while until he is no longer so afraid of losing you. He  is  probably not aware of how difficult it is to unlearn what  he  learned and  maintain such a  change.

    I would say if  you want  affection, your best  bet  is with a guy who is still naturally  affectionate.

    Your ex boyfriend, I would consider  working with him as a team in the context of an intimate  relationship, if  he was open to share with you that early childhood lesson he  learned, if he is able to see how deeply  rooted that lesson has been, if he expresses insight into the origin of his lack of affection, his rejection of affection, of closeness. The team work will be about helping each other. He needs your help no less than he needs  your help.

    If he  doesn’t have the insight, is not interested  and motivated to  look into his childhood for this purpose, if he doesn’t believe that he  needs your help, then better you don’t  waste your time and  your youth, because  it will be  just  that, a waste.

    anita

    #266909
    VLC90
    Participant

    Anita,

    That had been the cycle throughout our relationship. Every 6 months or so I would bring up the issues, they would be resolved for a while, and then go back to normal. Each time, his response was that he was being lazy and not making an effort.

    I guess the difficult part of leaving is missing all of the other great qualities that he has.

    I have spoken to him before, and he said that his family was affectionate to him. They did not share feelings, but he says that he was the only one who rejected it. From my experience with his family, they are not very warm and affectionate. Again, this could be cultural.

    It really hurts me to not believe him and give him another chance, but another part of me wants to begin something new. I am sad to lose such an important person in my life.

Viewing 5 posts - 16 through 20 (of 20 total)

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