fbpx
Menu

VLC90

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #325609
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Funnily enough, I reread the forum yesterday and found that being separated from it with time has made me find more meaning in it. I am aware that I have tendencies that are connected to my family or origin stuff. I also understand that I have fear of making life-long commitments, and am perhaps using the idea of my ex as an escape and comfort as an ideal. My mind has idealized my past relationship, while I know that when I was in it, I didn’t feel good. And when I tried to rekindle the relationship later, it also didn’t feel good. I understand that I have a very great partner who chooses me, and I am very lucky. It makes it that much more painful to have these thoughts of my lingering past. A bunch of fear comes up for me when I think of the future, and I can’t seem to reconcile this. I really am trying.

    Look forward to hearing from you,

    V

    #325521
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I apologize for not replying. I had gone on vacation and had forgotten to answer. I am; however, back again. Still challenged by the cycle that brought me here initially. I am scared to take a step forward in my current relationship, and keep obsessing about my past one. There are times where I convince myself that my rOCD made me break up my last relationship, while also battling that rOCD may be causing this pain in my current relationship. I do not know what to do.

    #306853
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes, you’re right. Each one of them has felt that way. However, I can’t but think that because this is a trend with all my relationships, then I must have ended my previous one (which despite our differences, was one of the strongest relationships I’ve felt) because of this feeling, and I could have worked through them if I had tried to.

    That is really what keeps sending me back there.

    #306763
    VLC90
    Participant

    Anita,

    You are making some great connections with the little information I’ve been able to share. Thank you.

    My concern is, even after seeing and acknowledging these connections, it still feels so real.

    I still feel very off my boyfriend, and thoughtful of my ex, and I find it challenging to sit with that.

    In regards to my mother, I have been working on boundaries. She is still an important person in my life, so boundaries will help with that relationship, I am hopeful.

    V

    #306623
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I couldn’t respond yesterday as I was away from my computer. I can completely agree that my tone recently has been in that way and take full responsibility for that.

    I have said this in a previous forum and I do still think this to be true, I think I see myself having patterns of relationship OCD. I over analyze my relationships, question my feelings, and think about it way more than I should which leads me to becoming a bit too much. While it doesn’t excuse the behaviour, I definitely see a trend.

    I should definitely have been more supportive while we was around my friends. I just have this weird anxiety about what people think about my partner and us together that gets to be very overwhelming at times.

    #306419
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Sure. I’m happy to do that. Most recently, we’ve been in a cycle of arguments about communicating more effectively with myself and others. Specifically, he finds it difficult to socialize, and yesterday I introduced him to my friends. We went out to dinner and he asked some questions, but after that just sat and did not engage with anyone else. Before the next stop, I spoke to him privately and asked if he was comfortable and asked him to try and engage more because it’s important to me. This turned into a huge spiral argument about everything else.

    V: It is really important to me that you get along with my friends and family. I am feeling like you don’t try to engage with the people who are important to me. I know that you’re a great person, and I would like for everyone else to see it as well.

    D: I am trying but they didn’t engage with me either.

    V: You’re right, but I think that as the new person you need to try taking some initiative. For example, you could try sharing stories about yourself, and asking open ended questions.

    D: Okay, sorry. (Not looking at me)

    V: (I have to add that I feel quite upset when he just says sorry without acknowledging anything I’ve said. I feel like he does it to end a conversation). I’m not really looking for an apology, I’m trying to help you come up with a plan.

    D: *silence*

    V: Can you please say something?

    D: I feel like you’ve been on me for everything, and you’re bashing me.

    V: I am trying to connect with you, and support you because I know it makes you feel uncomfortable.

    D: *silence*

    V: I find it very challenging when I’m trying to have a conversation with you, and I get little to no response. Can you please say something?

    D: What do you want me to say?

    At this point, I would start to get upset because I feel like I’m not being heard or understood. I know that he shuts down when he feels threatened, and he acknowledges that he does this, but doesn’t actively try to stop it.

    V: I am feeling very disconnected. Whenever I’m trying to have a conversation with you, I feel like I need to ask at least 10 questions to get one response and it is upsetting for me. I want to feel like we can have open and honest communication, but every time I try to talk to you about something, you shut down and the conversation can’t come to a resolution.

    D: Okay, I won’t disconnect next time.

    V: (This also upsets me because it’s just a blanket response) I feel like I have heard you say that, but I’m not sure if we have an active plan to make sure that doesn’t happen. Whenever I ask you if you need help, or need suggestions on a plan for when we’re in conflict, you say you’ll figure it out. You can’t get a different result from the same strategy.

    Inevitably, this conversation ended because it was late, and we were both tired. Today, when I tried to speak with him, he said he feels like he’s always being criticized and that he doesn’t feel like showing love when he feels that way. I said that I was trying to connect with him, and he said after last night it was hard for him to do that, and that if I were in his position, I would feel the same way.

    I responded by saying that he was right, I would not like it. But I would try to take the information and do something with it because I know that something I am doing is causing distress, and I should be aware of behaviours that are coming up for me.

    I haven’t received a response from him since then. This last section was through text.

    #306403
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I agree that it should be a win-win, and I have been trying to implement boundaries around responsibility. It has been an ongoing practice. However, with my boyfriend, I find that when I try to have a conversation about things that are concerning, he stonewalls (gives very little in response, won’t make eye contact). He doesn’t know how to effectively communicate, and this is where a large part of the anxiety comes from in the relationship. I try to offer strategies, and let him know exactly what I need when we are in conflict. This is also why I found my ex’s approach so soothing. I need to be able to talk through things and have a plan of action to move forward. I do not get this now, and it causes me a lot of distress.

    I understand that I am responsible for my feelings; and I want to be able to do that, however, I am feeling like I am taking on an emotional load which is exhausting me.

    The boundary work is something I will continue to practice.

    V

    #306339
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    That makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you. In regards to my ex, I was able to share all of my emotions, and he was soothing. That was a very addicting feeling to me.

    I would really love to hear about some of the strategies you learned.  We both agreed to sign up for it together. It is his first time going to therapy, so he is very intimidated to do it alone.

    V

    #306329
    VLC90
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for all of your responses. The time you take to respond to posts is really amazing. I am very grateful.

    To answer your question, yes. I feel like because I often would carry the weight of other peoples emotions (I do this with friends as well), I don’t have a place to “dump” my own. I do go to therapy, and this is where I often will do that. With my ex, I feel like his logical mind allowed me to have a place to share all of my feelings in a safe way, without having to worry too much about someone else. With my current boyfriend, if I do bring something us that is concerning to me or something that I’m feeling, I often have to explain to him that the feeling is about me and not him (which is why I brought up the low-self-esteem), and I am not fully given that space for my emotions.

    V

    #306309
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I resonate with what you’re saying. I sense that the hostility comes from the emotional dumping when I was younger, and now the need to still be there for every feeling she has (whether I agree with it or not).

    What causes me distress is, if the problem is because of my previous experience or child-hood experience, then it’s possible that I’ve made a mistake and should have made it work with my ex, although there were problems, and that causes me a lot of guilty feelings. Although, I recognize that same feeling now with my boyfriend.

    #306265
    VLC90
    Participant

    Hi Valora,

    I really resonate with what you are saying. My family almost has a history of divorce: my parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents – all divorced. I am afraid of making the wrong choice and being stuck with the wrong person. So I think I try and identify all of the things that may cause me distress in the future.

    In regards to my ex, we had really great communication, and there were a lot of things we did for one another that were positive. With him, he refused to talk about the future (moving in/getting married) after two years, wouldn’t bring me around his family, and lacked physical affection. I know he would have taken great care of me, but we didn’t feel like friends. Instead, I felt like a check list. After we broke up, this all changed on his end.

    #306249
    VLC90
    Participant

    Thank you so much for all of the replies. I agree that this is an excellent learning opportunity for me. What’s troubling is that I find it to be a cycle and am noticing similar feelings between relationships. While my ex and I are not in contact, he will reach out to me every few months and is still adamant that we are going to get married. When I am in a good headspace, I am able to brush this off and wish him well. However, when I am not I find myself questioning my decision and why I could have just stuck it out.

    With my boyfriend, things are much different. We are friends, he is very affectionate, family-oriented, thoughtful and considerate. Anita, you are correct in saying that my ex-boyfriends logic was very calming to me. I believe it is because I can be so emotional, so having someone who did not look at life in that way was soothing. My boyfriend is a lot more emotional, which is perhaps where the challenge comes in for me.

    Anita, you have asked a loaded question lol. My relationship with my parents growing up was not the best. While they loved me to the best of their abilities, they both struggled in relation to one another (ultimately ending in divorce when I was 21), and I often felt like I took on a lot of my mother’s emotions, and also felt like I was constantly worried about my dad and felt like I looked for his attention as he was not very emotional. Today, the relationship is better, I try not to get upset with them because I know they were doing the best they can. I still worry about my Dad financially, and know that if an emotional relationship were to ever happen, it would be because of me. For example, I had to forcefully start a habit of saying “love you”, because it was never done before. With my mom, there is still a sense of hostility there, which I cannot fully understand. She often is upset with me because of a “tone”, or because I’m not agreeing with everything she says, but I’ve been practicing implementing boundaries around that. That is the short, condensed version of our relationship.

    #306147
    VLC90
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita.

    #266909
    VLC90
    Participant

    Anita,

    That had been the cycle throughout our relationship. Every 6 months or so I would bring up the issues, they would be resolved for a while, and then go back to normal. Each time, his response was that he was being lazy and not making an effort.

    I guess the difficult part of leaving is missing all of the other great qualities that he has.

    I have spoken to him before, and he said that his family was affectionate to him. They did not share feelings, but he says that he was the only one who rejected it. From my experience with his family, they are not very warm and affectionate. Again, this could be cultural.

    It really hurts me to not believe him and give him another chance, but another part of me wants to begin something new. I am sad to lose such an important person in my life.

    #266847
    VLC90
    Participant

    I completely understand what you’re saying, and think that I have the tendency to reflect inward as opposed to what the other person is doing. So thank you for pointing that out to me.

    As for his lack of affection, it would come in many forms. Physically, he would not be the one to hold my hand for long periods of time in public. When he would do it, it would be to make me happy and then be followed by a ‘joking’ comment such as “okay, that’s enough”. When we’d sit together on the couch, he’d be on one side and I’d be on the other, despite me mentioning that I am feeling distant and wanted to be close. I also felt as though our relationship lacked spontaneity – there would be no kisses or hugs just because. Sex, as I mentioned, was selfish and made me not even want to kiss and engage by the end of it.

    Also, there was a lack of emotional intimacy that I felt. We didn’t really talk about our feelings for one another, because, and this may be a cultural thing, he just assumed that I would know how he felt. This was the same with marriage, moving in, children, etc.

    In the small times we’ve spent together, he has made an effort to show these to me. I have been unable to kiss him more than a peck, and definitely have not been able to have sex because I feel emotionally closed off right now. When I talk to him about whether this is something that is sustainable for him, and not just something he is doing for me, he responds by saying that it is sustainable because he knows that if he ever went back to the way he was he’d lose me again.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)