December 2, 2019 at 8:18 am #325609VLC90Participant
Funnily enough, I reread the forum yesterday and found that being separated from it with time has made me find more meaning in it. I am aware that I have tendencies that are connected to my family or origin stuff. I also understand that I have fear of making life-long commitments, and am perhaps using the idea of my ex as an escape and comfort as an ideal. My mind has idealized my past relationship, while I know that when I was in it, I didn’t feel good. And when I tried to rekindle the relationship later, it also didn’t feel good. I understand that I have a very great partner who chooses me, and I am very lucky. It makes it that much more painful to have these thoughts of my lingering past. A bunch of fear comes up for me when I think of the future, and I can’t seem to reconcile this. I really am trying.
Look forward to hearing from you,
VDecember 2, 2019 at 9:24 am #325621anitaParticipant
Dear VLC90 (should I address you as “V”?):
I just re-read some of your earlier posts on this thread and I see something I didn’t see before:
I think that what you liked about your ex boyfriend is that he was sure about what choice you should make: “he will reach out to me every few months and is still adamant that we are going to get married.. his logical mind allowed me to have a place to share all my feelings in a safe way, without having to worry too much about someone else.. In regards to my ex, I was able to share all of my emotions, and he was soothing. That was a very addictive feeling for me”-
Because you doubt yourself so much and suffer so much doubting yourself, nothing feels better, more soothing and safe than someone who doesn’t doubt what it is that you should be doing. You get a break from doubting and ruminating, and that break is very addictive. You wish you can always be on that kind of a break, don’t you?
Let’s look where your ongoing self doubt comes from: “She (your mother) is upset with me because of a ‘tone’, or because I’m not agreeing with everything she says”- she disagreed with you.. when you disagreed with her, every time you disagreed with her. When a child’s mother disagrees with her child’s honest opinions, the child automatically disagrees with herself, still believing in that opinion you shared with her on one hand, but disbelieving in it at the same time. Sort of knowing something.. but not knowing it at the same time.
This kind of dynamic between parent and child is the birthplace of OCD.
“I am afraid of making the wrong choice… it’s possible that I’ve made a mistake and should have made it work with my ex”. You keep doubting.
Here is an example of doubt vs confidence in history, an extreme example: lots of German people were doubting things after World War One. Then came Hitler whose speech pattern and words used were very, very confident. He sounded very sure of himself. Lots of the German people having lived with self doubt for so long, figured something like this: Wow! Look at him, look how sure and confident he looks and sounds- he must have the right answers for us! What happened next is that many millions of people suffered unspeakable pain and died unecessarily. Lesson learned: when a person looks and sounds very sure of himself, or herself, very confident, it doesn’t mean that he or she has the right answers for you, or for themeselves.
Take it from here, will you?
- This reply was modified 7 months ago by anita.