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This topic contains 10 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 days, 9 hours ago.

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • #202531

    Tom
    Participant

    Does anyone have any tips for not overthinking in the early stages of dating?

    I have no reason to believe anything strange is happening but can’t help but worry about length of time it takes to reply to messages etc?

     

    #202571

    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Tom,

    What I might look for with respect to length of time to reply to messages is a pattern.  Have you known this person long enough to get a sense of their pattern with regard to responding to messages?  Do they generally respond within 5-10 minutes?  Half an hour? Several hours?  I also think it might be relevant to consider the context of the messaging.  If you are asking them to meet you for dinner, for example, then I would expect a response within a reasonable amount of time.  But if the context is more in the category of “getting to know you”, I would think it could take any amount of time to respond to something along those lines.

    If you have known this person for awhile, and it is taking them longer and longer to respond, then I would have a conversation about this with them.  Maybe talk about what you both consider reasonable.  Or ask if their response time is due to something relating to you or the relationship.

    I hope this helps.

    Airene

    #202573

    Mark
    Participant

    Tom,

    Is this the only area you overthink?

    It sounds like it is about worrying about the future.  You know you cannot control it.  This is where mindfulness and being in the present moment helps.  Do you practice that?

    Plus it is about being attached to the outcome.  The Buddhists talk about the source of suffering is attachment.

    It's a practice.  No easy shortcuts.

    Mark

    #202591

    Tom
    Participant

    We have known each other for around 6 weeks so in the early stages of dating which is the part I always find the worst.

    It has been going well, we have been getting on and had around 9-10 dates in that time, cooked for each other etc.

    It is just that over the last week or so I have felt she is taking a step back. The tone of her messages seems to have changed. We have still messaged daily, even if only a couple of quick exchanges. Because of work commitments etc for both of us, it will be at least 10 days before we can meet again which is why I probably have time to over analayse. I don't like games, if I like someone i like them and if i don't i would tell them so everyone knows where they stand. I think when we meet again I will just be upfront and ask her how she feels it's all going.

    I do meditate and try and practice gratitude daily too but I still do find myslef overthinking at times.

    #202621

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tom:

    Good to read from you again. I like your suggestion: “when we meet again I will just be upfront and ask her how she feels it's all going”. This fits with my suggestion to you September last year: “… instead of assuming, hoping, wondering- ask: get the information, and do so earlier than later.”

    Do you have any idea, for now, why she may have taken a step back: did anything go wrong within the last of the 9-10 dates, anything in your behavior that may have turned her off to you, perhaps?

    anita

     

    #202629

    quackingphilosopher
    Participant

    Dear Tom,

    I can fully empathise.

    I, too, am a slave to overthinking and it has affected me adversely in many aspects of my life.

    Times where I can stay calm and grounded, being present in the moment, I have spent it mourning about what has already happened or what has yet to happen.

    I pretend that I can change the past or I can control the future, and that, is fully wrong. The only control we have over our lives is in the present, and it took me a while to realise that.

    While you can overthink how your partner might be cheating on you etcetera, know that it serves no good except for causing excessive worry. You are able to control this. You can combat this.

    Revert your attention from this stream of rumination and instead, focus on yourself or loving your partner. Overthinking does not solve anything, and it will only bring about damage to your mental health.

    Stay rooted to the present, and be strong.

    You can do it. Self-realisation is already the first step.

    Regards,

    Jun

    #202631

    Tom
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    No, nothing happened on the dates that I am aware off. It’s been going well. She has been away with work and we have still been speaking just not as frequently. I am hoping to be able to see her on Friday and will find out more then I guess.

    #202637

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tom:

    Maybe something happened that you are not aware of. Maybe a conversation with her will increase your awareness and you will know more. It would have been a good idea to have revealing conversations during some of those 9-10 dates. How good it is to know, to be aware of what is happening- I think it is way better to be aware than to hope for, to guess, to wonder…

    I hope to read from you this Friday. Before, if you'd like.

    anita

    #202755

    Tom
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    We had a phone conversation last night which went well and set my mind at ease I think. I should be seeing her on friday and will look to clarify then face to face. Will keep you updated.

     

    #202757

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Tom,

    It looks like you have received alot of great advice. Maybe I am old school, but I don't believe in “texting” in dating as a way to get to know someone or even in the early stages of dating. It's too impersonal. Once, this man insisted on “texting” or “e-mails” as a form of communication, and I texted back and said “anyway we could get past being “pen-pals” well, men don't like to be thought of as “pen pals so he started to call me on the phone from that moment on.

    The reason I don't believe in texting, is too much distance. You don't get to know the person, the sound of their voice, laugh, what they like to do, foods they like, work they enjoy, hobbies, kids, etc..can't make them laugh by joking around, the “human touch is gone, not a very good way to get to know someone”. That is when I always use the excuse “lost my cell phone when a man I meet insists on texting as a form of communication”. I give him my phone number. Saying for home, I prefer to talk on the phone. There is also an excellent app called “Marco Polo walkie Talkie” that just came out” where you can leave video messages for each other, or talk to each other live, it's very easy to use..still it's way less impersonal then a phone call. For some reason texting as a way to get to know someone seems kind of “teenagish” too me. Just use the phone, better yet, meet up somewhere casual for coffee. I usually reserve “texting” after I get to know someone where may be I can send a romantic text letting them know I am thinking of them, or missing them, or if I am running late etc. Just some thoughts.

     

    #202767

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tom:

    I am looking forward to your update.

    anita

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