- This topic has 28 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by Anonymous.
May 3, 2018 at 3:45 am #205359AnonymousGuest
You wrote earlier: “I don’t like games, if I like someone I like them and if I don’t I would tell them so everyone knows where I stand”- this is what you need from her so to reduce your anxiety.
Problem is we get so anxious that the amount of reassurance and comforting we need from a partner can be overwhelming to the partner and harm the relationship, bringing about the exact thing the person fears-the ending of a relationship.
It is possible though to bring this issue up in a conversation and agree on a way to get that information you so desperately need (where you stand with her) without it being overwhelming to her. The two of you, in theory (and I hope in practice, some day soon) can agree on a particular communication (phone, text, email) every day, a particular time perhaps when the two of you check with each other, tell the other what is going on and how one feels about the other.
It is a matter of moderation and balance, to do so in a way that is casual enough (so not to be overwhelming to her) yet helpful to you.
anitaMay 3, 2018 at 4:30 am #205381
I need to see her face to face I think so we can have another chat. Last time we did and it went well and we wanted to keep it going without labelling it. Since then the contact has been less though which has made me a worry a little.
I don’t want to scare her off with too much pressure etc but need to know that she isn’t slowing stepping away I guess. I will have a think on how to do this. Hopefully I hear from her over the next few days and we can meet in person or at worst, chat on the phone. I won’t bombard her on anything in between, will just wait to hear from here. Will try and keep my mind off it with work etc. Just a shame as thought it had the potential to be the start of something.May 3, 2018 at 4:40 am #205387AnonymousGuest
If you would like to describe the last time you saw her face to face, the conversation you had and what happened then, please do. It might be helpful for my understanding.
anitaMay 3, 2018 at 6:26 am #205417
The last time I saw her face to face went fine and we didn’t speak about anything serious, just had some food etc. The time before that, was when I asked her how she thought it was going etc. She said well but it was in no rush to label it as official boyfriend/girlfriend etc. She stayed over that time and we spent the whole of the following day together.
We use to message daily and still have been to a certain extent but the messages are less frequent and engaging. She has been away with work and a family issue but we haven’t seen each other for a week now and have no concrete next date set.
I asked her yesterday via message when she was free and called her. She responded to message really late and said that she hadn’t seen her phone for a few hours and would let me know but she is busy over the next few days.May 3, 2018 at 7:14 am #205421AnonymousGuest
Why didn’t the two of you talk about anything serious last time; was your get together rushed, having had a time limit not allowing for any serious talk?
anitaMay 3, 2018 at 7:29 am #205427
Because we had that chat on the previous get together where we both said it was going well etc but didn’t want to label it. Didn’t feel to bring it up again on the next get together.May 3, 2018 at 7:43 am #205433AnonymousGuest
You didn’t have to bring the same exact topic on the next get together. There are other topics that can make a serious conversation. Reads to me that you would have benefited from getting to know her better and to get to know her better not talking “about anything serious, just had some food etc” couldn’t teach you anything new and interesting about her.
The more you know about a woman, the more answers you have, the less the anxiety bothers you with questions.
One more thing: how is a relationship to progress, how is she to form a stand about you, if nothing of substance is going on, such as a conversation of substance.
anitaMay 3, 2018 at 7:54 am #205439
My thought was that i didn’t want to come on too strong.
What would you advise i do now?
I’d like to think we will still see each other again but at this point am waiting for her to let me know when she is free.May 3, 2018 at 8:15 am #205445AnonymousGuest
I don’t know what you should do now. If she contacts you then you will have another opportunity to get to know her better and to make it possible for her to get to know you better. If you get that opportunity, I hope you do just that, have a serious conversation.
It is almost like you presented yourself to the woman and then you are waiting for her verdict. Based on an initial presentation, like in a job interview. Waiting for an answer. The recent date, during the date itself, you were waiting for the result of the initial interview, reads to me.
It needs to be, the dating needs to be a series of ongoing efforts to get to know each other, not an initial presentation of yourself and then the waiting for her verdict.
What to do now? Maybe you can suggest to her a specific thing to do if you get together, that is, instead of generally asking (again, I suppose) when she is available, you can ask her to go to a particular movie, or to have a meal with you.
anitaMay 3, 2018 at 8:44 am #205463
We both agreed it was going well, she spent the night, we had a great time and then the whole next day too.
When I saw her the time after that, we continued to get to know each other and talk etc but I didn’t feel the need to ask about exclusivity, how it was going etc again. Especially as we had such a good time the previous occasion.
Hopefully I get another chance like you say and I have no choice but to me more up front, for my peace of mind at least. If I don’t, guess I will be left wondering what I did wrong.May 3, 2018 at 10:25 am #205473AnonymousGuest
If you look back into your experience in relationship, see in retrospect what worked and what didn’t work. Stop doing what didn’t work and try something new.
There is a middle ground between pressuring a woman to become exclusive and having serious conversations, that is, non-superficial conversations, but conversations about feelings, motivations, experiences in life. It doesn’t have to be very heavy or very light. There is all the in-between.
You wrote that during the second time you continued to get to know her. What did you get to know about her the second time that you didn’t know before?
anitaMay 3, 2018 at 10:26 am #205475AnonymousGuest
* didn’t reflect under TopicsMay 4, 2018 at 12:24 am #205541
We had a catch up on the phone last night which went well. I am hoping to see her over the next few days and i think i will get a good gage of how she feels from that. I will be open with her.
ThanksMay 4, 2018 at 5:06 am #205547AnonymousGuest
I suggested to you yesterday to look back into your experience in relationships, see in retrospect what worked and what didn’t work, then stop doing what didn’t work and try something new. This morning I went back to your threads to learn myself, best I can, what worked and what didn’t work for you. I will quote from your threads and comment. I hope this will be helpful to you.
Dec 29, 2016: “I am around a month or so out of a nearly two year relationship… it often felt like whatever I said/did was wrong and I felt like I was walking on eggshells around her.”
Sept 10, 2017: “I met a girl.. we have had 5 or 6 really good dates, after the last date she stayed over at my house…I am starting to get the feeling that she is losing interest. Messages are few and far between when before they were fairly constant…We met for dinner on Thursday… Like all of our other dates it went really well and we had a good time, kissed at the end of the date etc. She is very busy again… Since then we have messaged briefly…I just have a hunch that she has become a little more distant…when she came over we had such a great evening and she stayed the night. We went for some lunch the next day before she had to drive home. After that we didn’t see each other for nearly 3 weeks.. the messages started to ease off… We then had a meal last week which again went really well like all of our dates and we both had a great time. We kissed at the end of the night like all of other previous dates… When we are together we get on so well. The only thing that is confusing me is how she has changed from lots of contact to not so much without real reason.. I sent her a message yesterday and had no response… I should wait to see if she contacts me… I just don’t want to come across a bit needy.
Nov 2, 2017: “I began dating this girl… Things were going amazing and it felt so natural and right. However, last night .. she wanted to tell me.. she is pregnant.. I am very happy with her…I could definitely see us together for a long time” (pregnant by another man before you).
April 15, 2018: “We have known each other for around 6 weeks… It has been going well.. over the last week or so I have felt she is taking a step back. The tone of her messages seems to have changed… nothing happened on the dates that I am aware of. It’s been going well…We had a phone conversation last night which went well… spent Friday and Saturday together and had a great couple of days…We got together last week and had a good time but since then contact has been quite sporadic. She had some family stuff going on… I’ve asked her today about meeting again but have yet to hear back…messages are less frequent and engaging… She responded to message really late and said that she hadn’t seen her phone for a few hours and would let me know but she is busy over the next few days… We both agreed it was going well, she spent the night, we had a great time and then the whole next day too… we had such a good time the previous occasion…We had a catch up on the phone last night which went well.”
My input: clearly you are very anxious in the context of a relationship with a woman, afraid to say or do the wrong thing. You walk on eggshells, not only during the long term relationship you had (first thread) but in the initial stages of dating the other women (following threads).
As you walk on eggshells in the beginning dating experiences, you are not paying attention to the woman. You are not paying attention to how she is feeling and what she is experiencing.
You assume she is having a good time (the italicized above) but you have been wrong, again and again. She was not having a good time overall. How do I know? Because she withdrew from you. If she had a good time, she wouldn’t have withdrawn from you.
The woman’s claims of being busy with work and family.. maybe even that pregnancy by another man (maybe) are excuses, reasons given so to avoid dating and not hurt your feelings.
How is it that you incorrectly evaluate her experience, I ask myself. Perhaps you see her smile and think the smile means she is having a good time. But a smile doesn’t necessary indicate that. People smile when they feel uncomfortable, awkward. You may think she is having a good time because she is polite. Again, not necessarily so.
I would like you to have a good, loving relationship with a woman. This is what you want. I strongly recommend examining my suggestion here that you are not accurately evaluating the woman’s experience in the context of dating you. Without accurate evaluation, progress in dating is impossible.
I suggested better communication with the woman before. I suggested asking her questions. At this point I don’t think you can afford to not ask a woman questions, asking her exactly what you want to know.
anitaMay 5, 2018 at 9:14 pm #205741GraceParticipant
Ok so, I’m in high school and I’m really confused. So there’s this guy I liked throughout the end of 8th grade until the beginning of 10th grade, it was always on and off type of thing ig for me. He was difficult, but so was I. He like people but he was weird with relationships, he didn’t want a relationship but he wanted like a friends with benefits, sort of thing. I honestly just wanted someone there for me and like just to enjoy spending time with. I was always so freaked out and shy on dates whenever we tried that out. But like so was he, so it was really awful lol. Then there was this girl lily who was really gorgeous, and he started to get a thing for her, and like that hurt. And so one day he gets the “courage to tell me” that he liked both of us, and that he chose me. And I know like that when u like someone there shouldn’t be a choice but sometimes we just can’t help ourselves, it’s natural to like multiple people, but he shouldn’t have told me that. But at least he was honest and stuff! He was always straight up with me which I respect. I mean we were still kids and stuff so as much as I’d like to deny it, I was kinda childish, ugh 9th grade me is blah. Haha. Anyways we were close, I told him a lot of stuff I never even told my best friends or my parents. He was always one to listen. And I would’ve done the exact same for him. And did. We would text and call a lot. Some of our calls were really long, 6hrs one time. So yea we really liked eachother, I’m really confused if I loved him or not. I’m pretty sure I did at one point, but just little things kinda made it go away. Like I’d walk up to him and his friends and then he’d grab me and like touch my butt. But 9th grade me was naive. I’m pretty mad at myself taht I let that happen. I just liked him so much idk. But yea. So 10th grade me got control and had an idea of what I wanted. And just cut him off. He knew he did jerky things to me. He’s texted me “hey” a couple of times this year but it led to a short convo and that was it. So second semester me. Last night we had a concert and I kept practicing and he’d say “you got This girl” as a joke. And idk weird stuff lol. TAHTS just how he is. And kept saying hi to me. We had finished a dance show last night and I’m packing up all my costumes and all of a sudden i see this yellow rose ,that our teacher got presented, get dropped right in front of me and I’m so confused liek “was that for me?” And I’m sitting on the floor asking to my friends “did u see who threw that?” It wasn’t a rude throw like it just plopped right in front of me. So I was confused but I just packed it like “aw that was sweet”. So I go out to dinner with family and during dinner HE texts me liek “did u get the rose” and I knew it was him, deep down I knew there’s a possibility it was him. So then idk all these feelings come back. So now I’m confused ugh! Someone please help meee!! Like what should I do? I said thank you ans everything for it. Just liek I said after that we texted a little. But then he just must’ve gone to sleep. Because he never responded but didn’t leave me on read.