Dear Rebecca:

Little did I know when I wrote to you yesterday, that today, 24 hours later, I will be in a state of pain and immobility. Last night, same day I posted here, on your thread, I got up from my reclining chair and lost my footing. I was tired and was not aware that it could be dangerous for me to get up from the chair. Never had a problem before getting up from this chair. The flip flops I put on were part of the reason I lost my footing, I believe. Again, didn’t foresee it being a problem. And so, didn’t practice mindfulness getting up. I twisted my foot badly, the pain was intense enough, followed with nausea, the feeling of needing to vomit. Used ice, went to bed, but slept very poorly, couldn’t relax. In the morning, felt again, nauseated. Got up, put some weight on the foot and realized it was not a good idea.

I was, until yesterday, very active- a long walk per day (3.5 miles), plus yard work of 3-5 hours per day. I know I will not be able to do either today, tomorrow, and I don’t know for how long.

I noticed FEAR was the first and foremost reaction, causing the nauseated sensation. I noticed significant increase in tics (Tourette Syndrome, lifelong), I noticed that suicide thoughts occurred to me as a fast solution to the pain and fear of not being active anymore, gaining weight (I have a history of anorexia/ over-exercising). I noticed the great fear of not being able to walk, to use my body. I noticed my low-distress-tolerance, wanting to escape it any which way.

I also  noticed the return of magical thinking: I was wondering if I was punished for posting here, on your thread yesterday, stating then I was not experiencing pain, and so I was not qualified then to reply and so, I was … made qualified. Part of me believed this. I noticed paranoid thinking, someone wishing me ill and … causing this to happen to me (the “evil eye” magical thinking).

Well, I am now qualified, sitting here with my foot wrapped tight, unable to put weight on it (crawling, intend to get and use crutches later). So, yes, I am qualified, unfortunately. If you would like, we can communicate here, on your thread, and maybe help each other in our struggles- I would like that, let me know, if you will

anita