This is the first time I have tried to talk and maybe I’m on the site I don’t know all I do know is that I need to let this out.

I was molested when I was five at a park I used to go to with my family. There was is old man I was so young I don’t remember his name but I do remember what he did to me and he destroyed my childhood and innocence. The thing that disgusts me is that it felt good and my curious mind became fixated on it. We moved shortly after that but the damage was done. My young mind which should’ve been focused on cartoons and playing with toys was replaced with finding out more about what made me feel like that. I didn’t tell my parents or my family because I didn’t know what it even was. Until second grade, was going to the bathroom when I heard moaning and grunting and saw my mother with her boyfriend. The door was just cracked enough for me to see everything. The feeling came back and my curiosity was peaked even more. My parents were divorced so every two weeks I would go to my dad’s. Even then I knew my dad didn’t bring girls home with him. But I found a tape with no name and watched it. It was a sex tape; a porno. I watched for a few minutes until my dad caught me. He spanked me. I still didn’t understand if this is what people did then wasn’t I allowed to know more.

A few weeks later my cousin Alyssa on my mom’s side came for a visit. Along with my brother Walker we were best friends. We lived on a farm and so the three of us would enjoy exploring the barn, corn field, or run along the fence to see how many cows there were. I was six now, and I realized that Alyssa was a girl like my mom. So I talked her into trying something with me. I tried to have sex with her but was caught red handed. Afterwards my mom tried to talk to me about what not to do. I was feeling like this isn’t something I should do anymore but my curiosity wasn’t sated. Next visit to my dad’s my cousin Dani was over for a visit, she was a bit younger but I still wanted to know why people did the things they did. And so I tried again with her but my dad caught us this time. The more I was caught the more I was thinking this isn’t right but my hormones came and I started to notice girls in ways I shouldn’t of for several more years to come. Through grade school I notice the prominent features girls in my classes had. Who had nice legs, who had a pretty face, who liked me. As I got older my mom married her boyfriend and we visited his family. My Step cousin Baley was a few years younger at the time but she shared my attraction and we sort of became an item for years. It was indecent and wrong but I enjoyed our time but she was still younger then me by three years and so didn’t feel the need to go further I on the other hand did. However shortly after my mom divorced my stepdad and with that my time with Baley came to an end so did my time of having my curiosity sated.

By the time I was twelve I had tried with Dani several more times but never succeeded. And here I began to feel something more with my curiosity, a dark desire of fulfillment. Something new but spread through my body like wildfire. I was masturbating for most of my young years and would feel relieved after I did it but the first it didn’t full fill me I began wanting more. And what was left of my sanity was being devoured my hormones I had no idea what was going on in my body or why just that I had this need to full fill myself. There were no girls around me anymore just my brothers. And I did it. I had no sense of right or wrong in those days just desire. finally my mom caught me again and instead of hitting me she cried, yelled at me. My second youngest brother Walker threatened to kill me. I was exposed and my mind was buzzing. I loved my family and here now I saw how much I had hurt them. The family was damaged and it was my fault. This was an eye opener for me.

Two years later I was having a weekend with my mom. We just just done watching Back to the Future and we talked about what we could take back and my first answer was what I did to my brothers. After learning what damage I had caused I learned about the consequences of my actions. I was looking at porn and girls but I no longer preyed on my brothers. I had learned that it was wrong. That everything I had been curious about was wrong for my young mind.

I now know the difference and looked up cases pertaining to my situation. I count myself lucky I could of gone to prison. And I would’ve if I hadn’t worked my bones to the core earning my family’s trust back. And something I never thought I would receive…The Forgiveness from my brothers. That was the happiest day in my life. That my brothers didn’t see a monster but still saw a brother in me. It showed me that all my hard work on bettering myself wasn’t for naught.

However there still some issues left unsolved like my Cousin Dani. She now hates my very existence. The only reason she hasn’t told my dad side of the family is because she doesn’t want the family split in two. I want my cousin to love me like a cousin and I’m asking alot. But I’ve been thinking alot about it and I want to tell them the truth. I wronged my Cousin in the past and now I want to make it right. If lose her I lose her at least I made an effort to right my horrible wrongs.

I just need help on how to go about it. Dani thinks I’m the Antichrist and any attempt to talk to her has backfired with her yelling at me that she’ll tell the family what I am if I don’t leave her alone. I feel a need to right this wrong. She believes I’m still that monster but I want to show her I’m not that anymore. I was molested and I lost my way I should’ve known what I was doing was wrong and I know that now. I just need help to come out to my family so I can give my cousin the healing she deserves. Please.