Dear PearceHawk:

I read your post and will attempt to answer this question in your last paragraph: “Can anyone explain to me how anyone who cheats has a conscience and integrity?”

I will use these definitions, conscience: “judgment that assists in distinguishing right from wrong” and integrity: “the state of being whole and undivided”.

Cheating here means that a person promised to the other to be faithful (that is in marriage vows, for one) and proceeded to break that promise. In some cases, the person does not have a conscience in regard to cheating, that is, he or she does not think or feel it is wrong for them to cheat under any circumstances.

In other cases a person starts with the judgment that it is wrong (conscience), but later amends their judgment (as you detailed in your post), for example: it is wrong to cheat on an attentive, loving husband, but it is okay to cheat on an inattentive, unloving husband.

As far as integrity, a person may have a conscience, that is, believing it is wrong to cheat and they feel guilty for having done so. But they are divided between that judgment and their attraction to another, their boredom, their desperation, their anger, their distress over losing financial benefits if they leave the relationship, etc.

Being distressfully divided, they cheat, then feel guilty, maybe decide to not do it again, but still divided.. still torn by different parts, they cheat again. Over time, a person can get used to it, simply being in the habit of cheating and then, it is business as usual.

There are people who are angry to begin with, hostile, and they are okay with hurting others. Not only are they okay with it, they desire it.

And there are very troubled people, people who feel that their lives and states of minds are a total mess, that everything they do is wrong, that nothing in their lives ever made sense, so cheating is just one more thing that they are guilty for- makes no difference to their conscience because the weight of guilt they carry has been already  too heavy, for too long.

This is the end of my answer, at least for now. I wanted to note that I sensed, of course, your anger in your post and it is understandable to me, having read your experiences. The fact that you were injured in the military, were paralyzed for nine months and then came “home” to a long-term cheating wife is a terrible experience. I admire your extensive compassion and kindness (expressed in these forums) in spite of such monumental injustice and misfortune that you experienced.

anita