Dear Cloud:

I re-read all your posts on this thread. This is my summary and updated understanding: you are a 30 year old woman. You identify yourself as a lesbian and you had never had a romantic and/ or physical relationship with a woman. Neither did you indicate ever having a physical attraction to a woman.

You did not have a single romantic or physical relationship with a woman or a man, other than having been kissed twice by a man, or men in high school. (“I’m a 30 year old lesbian…I never had a relationship. Only dated some men in high school, i’m a virgin and was kissed by men twice”)

When you told your childhood friend, your “ex best friend”, that you have romantic feelings for her, she became more physical with you but you felt uncomfortable with her physical closeness (“When I told my ex best friend my feelings for her the day before our high school graduation. I also came out to her as bisexual… She also was physically close to me, never respected my personal space”)

You wrote: “Dating or anything romantic in general makes me nervous…The thought of being romantic and sexually active makes me nervous. ..I’m too afraid to go further with anyone. So making friends is all I can do, I don’t know how to be physically romantic or romantic in general …”

You wrote: “I must let go of the ‘hope’ she given me of a possible relationship in the future…I can’t let go of what she told me, her words ‘We could have a relationship in the future’ runs in my mind constantly…If she hadn’t given me that hope then I would be not interested in her romantically and moved on a long time ago. It is already to late, she said what she said”

I believe those words she told you are your burden. And that you wish she never said those words. The title of your thread has this clearly expressed motivation: to let go of your attachment to her. It is in the title. Her words keep fueling your attachment to her.

At this point, I believe that visiting her will be a mistake and will be harmful to you and to her. Reasons:

1. You are not interested in a romantic/ physical relationship with another person, never had one, and the idea of it causes you significant anxiety.

2. If you visit her, you will hold those words she said, that hope she gave you, against her. Those words will be her burden to carry, not only yours.

I think it is best that you remove the visit plan from your considerations and either keep an online friendship-only with her (as it has been so far, never have you met her in person), or end the friendship as well.

anita