Hi Rachel,

Thank you for sharing how you feel here. I feel compelled to reply because I can almost totally relate to what you’ve said. I am 28. I’ve also been diagnosed with anxiety/panic disorder. I do not take suggested mediactions for it, but only because I don’t want to grow dependent or feel like I need a pill to make living my life tolerable. I’ve also tried that route & it resulted in the worst panic attack to date, so I stopped taking it. I’ve tried some coping tools that help when I’m motivated & consistent, but I’ve recently been in a lull as far as motivation. Some of the best coping tools for me have been deep breathing exercises (esp. During a panic attack), exercise  (jogging every morning), meditation, writing out my feelings & self-care (like warm baths).

In my efforts to utilize 1 coping skill suggested  (talk to friends/family), I’ve tried sharing my feelings in spurts over the years. I always find that I deeply regret sharing right after, when the person I’m talking to misunderstands me, judges me, tells me the cliche “hang in there” or flat out denies my experience.

I, too, feel the urge to disappear sometimes as a result. I struggle with my purpose in living, although I don’t necessarily want to die or feel suicidal. I just want to feel ok… connected… like I belong here. I yearn for just 1 person who “gets” me… & it makes sense because humans are social by nature, in need of connection.

I also act happy or “just fine” on the outside. I have no one to relate to (until now, in your post, it seems no one else knows how I feel).

I think I understand what you mean & I hope you find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone.

1 thing I’m beginning to practice to make myself believe I’m supposed to be here is supporting MYSELF. Not waiting for support from others.  I acknowledge my waking up everyday as a sign of my significance in the world (although I’m not particularly religious).  I support my feelings as normal despite my not having confirmation by relating to others. I am experimenting with letting go of the need to get a stamp of approval from “friends” or family that I am ok & my feelings are ok.

I hope this helps. You are not alone & I believe we are both meant to be here.