An overwhelming need to disappear.

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This topic has 7 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 9 months ago by Mark.

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July 18, 2017 at 7:38 am #158740

Rachel
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Hi, I’m Rachel. I’m 23 years old. I’ve never done this before, written about personal issues or even discussed them with others. I have seen doctors here and there, been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and panic disorder, but unsuccessful in securing proper medication that doesn’t contribute to increased panic attacks, mainly because of control issues. I understand these are pretty common and there are tools that I should be using to help cope. The anxiety, I feel, is my fault..I don’t utilize the methods I’ve researched to help because I lack motivation to try. These diagnoses do not feel right to me. Maybe I’m fighting the inevitable because I don’t want it to be true, but I think I have a greater problem that causes these symptoms or maybe arises from such. I just don’t want to exist. Not in the way that I think would deem myself suicidal, but I want everything to just “shut off”. If you knew me, you would think otherwise. I can easily act or even be happy, yet feel sad..be surrounded, but lonely. I don’t feel like I belong to myself, some call it depersonalization, I’m not sure, it feels different. The idea of disappearing is always there, sitting patiently in the back of my mind. Just “poof”, and I’m gone. Depression is a dulling feeling..anxiety the opposite, much more often than not. Disappearing is more like a friend, always by my side. I’m just wondering if others out there understand what I mean by this? How have you coped with it? And how can I make myself believe I’m supposed to be here, in this body? In this time? Thankyou.

July 18, 2017 at 9:49 am #158796

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rachel:

My understanding of the desire to disappear, disappearing being like a friend is the following: I spent most of my childhood and my life otherwise, not in the here-and-now. Not here. Not now. I was lost in a world of daydreaming. I was somewhere else, in a world of wishes coming true in big ways, all things possible, easy to materialize, accessible. Later in life I lost myself in books, reading about other people’s lives, imagining, again, being elsewhere, being someone else. What a relief it was to get away, or to disappear. I have very few memories of my childhood and life because so much of the time… I was elsewhere. I had very little awareness of what surrounded me, and very little awareness of my body. I was like a giant head floating in other lands, other worlds.

You asked: “if others out there understand what I mean by this?” Did I understand what you meant by disappearing?

anita

July 18, 2017 at 11:23 pm #158914

greenshade
Participant

Hi Rachel,

Depression, and anxiety are just words to describe moods or body states. These moods/body states can color our thoughts, and beliefs. If the words “depression” and “anxiety” don’t feel true to you, then you don’t have to use them. You can just work with your actual feelings and the subsequent thoughts. The feeling of hopelessness and the feeling of not being understood are feelings that can cause thoughts like “there is something worse that is wrong with me that others don’t quite get” , the feeling of exhaustion can contribute to wanting to disappear, to lack of motivation (for me that is, it may be different feelings for you).

My suggestion would be to try and stick to feelings rather than thoughts. If a thought comes to you that “there is something wrong with me” try and see if how your body feels at that moment..what is the feeling in your chest, in your stomach, in your shoulders? Could it be that the feeling in your body is contributing to the thought? If you feel like your thinking a thought again and again, gently bring yourself back to how your body feels. This is a difficult thing to do when thoughts are clamoring for attention, so even baby steps are good.

Is this something you feel you could try?

M

July 19, 2017 at 2:32 am #158920

Sarah
Participant

Rachel,

Thank you for sharing your feelings. I know that is not an easy thing to do, especially if you have never shared an innermost detail about yourself like this before with others. You mentioned that you smile, and appear happy outwardly. Iv’e found from personal experience that it is those who keep it all inside themselves that tend to feel innermost suffering strong and often, and much of the time, it is this reason that people who have trouble speaking about their problems suffer from anxiety and depression. I know this all too well, as I fall into this category.

This is all of course just my understanding or interpretation, so feel free to correct me if I do not understand it from your perspective.

What I understand so far is that there is a part of you that is insisting on the isolation of your own feelings. You isolate because you feel anxiety and worry that other people will not truly understand your struggle. But on that note, you fall into depression with your struggle, because you have isolated your thoughts and feelings and are not receiving the care and understanding from others you feel you need. If you are never getting healthy perspective from other people, you begin to feel lonely and hopeless. Then, depression (from feeling lonely and hopeless over long periods of time) weighs you down, makes you sad, demotivates you, and causes you anxiety, which all at once can be so overwhelming that you feel disappearing would be better than living in that reality. That can be a vicious cycle. And a unique, complex, and complicated one depending on you as an individual.

But, there is no way for you to actually know for certain if you are alone in the feelings you experience, as you have not openly talked about them to others. I myself have suffered from this cycle of anxiety and depression to the point of not wanting to exist. But, being too stubborn to believe that anyone could possibly understand, I shut out the possibility of talking to others, and I spiraled further into this cycle. I deluded myself, and caused my own mental suffering by not allowing myself to believe that I wasn’t completely alone, and therefore missed many opportunities to experience peace and tranquility of the mind. To be honest, the more i reflected on the feelings I felt, i realized that much of the suffering I felt was caused entirely by my own stubbornness and desire for others to understand me. Which I also realized is wonderful; Because if it is a problem within myself, and not outside myself, it means that I had the full control over the situation, where before, I felt I had no control.

I’d like to note that was my own personal journey, and I am not saying that you are causing your suffering. I am only saying that you have more control than you give yourself credit for, and that you are allowed to become a person that is confident in yourself and your ability to become a happy person. I am a sad and anxious creature by nature, but even I have been able to change my perspective and frame of mind to that of one of peace and contentment.

If I have any advice, it would be this:

first, Do not discredit the power of your own mind, and your ability to heal this feeling of depression, anxiety, and loneliness. It can be done. You can live happily. It is definitely within reach, with a lot of self love, care, and confidence boosting.

and second, Desire is a root cause of this kind of suffering. The more that you desire recognition, or expect others to understand you and to respond in the ‘right way’, whatever way that it may be that you crave from others, the further you isolate yourself, as you cannot control other peoples actions. This is not to say you shouldn’t talk to others about your feelings. But this is to warn that you should not allow your happiness and mood to rely entirely on the answers and level of care and understanding that others show to you. Your state of mind is for you to decide. A captain of a mighty ship mingles with the ocean, but it does not allow the ocean to take full control of it’s course. The captain continues on the course she has decided, no matter how the ocean behaves.

The captain represents your soul. The ship is your mind, and the ocean represents other people and their social interactions with your consciousness. Even if they do not behave the way you would like, you cannot relinquish your mind to their control, as it would be chaos for you, the soul, inside. You have to steer yourself in the direction you desire, if you ever wish to make it to a specific place in life, physically or mentally.

I hope that this was in some way helpful to you, even if it may not be 100% accurate to your state of being. Again, all of us here are just the ocean. You are the captain, you have to decide what works for you and what does not. Never forget your power. I am hoping for your happiness and well being!

Namaste.

July 19, 2017 at 7:02 am #158952

Anonymous
Inactive

Hi Rachel,

Thank you for sharing how you feel here. I feel compelled to reply because I can almost totally relate to what you’ve said. I am 28. I’ve also been diagnosed with anxiety/panic disorder. I do not take suggested mediactions for it, but only because I don’t want to grow dependent or feel like I need a pill to make living my life tolerable. I’ve also tried that route & it resulted in the worst panic attack to date, so I stopped taking it. I’ve tried some coping tools that help when I’m motivated & consistent, but I’ve recently been in a lull as far as motivation. Some of the best coping tools for me have been deep breathing exercises (esp. During a panic attack), exercise (jogging every morning), meditation, writing out my feelings & self-care (like warm baths).

In my efforts to utilize 1 coping skill suggested (talk to friends/family), I’ve tried sharing my feelings in spurts over the years. I always find that I deeply regret sharing right after, when the person I’m talking to misunderstands me, judges me, tells me the cliche “hang in there” or flat out denies my experience.

I, too, feel the urge to disappear sometimes as a result. I struggle with my purpose in living, although I don’t necessarily want to die or feel suicidal. I just want to feel ok… connected… like I belong here. I yearn for just 1 person who “gets” me… & it makes sense because humans are social by nature, in need of connection.

I also act happy or “just fine” on the outside. I have no one to relate to (until now, in your post, it seems no one else knows how I feel).

I think I understand what you mean & I hope you find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone.

1 thing I’m beginning to practice to make myself believe I’m supposed to be here is supporting MYSELF. Not waiting for support from others. I acknowledge my waking up everyday as a sign of my significance in the world (although I’m not particularly religious). I support my feelings as normal despite my not having confirmation by relating to others. I am experimenting with letting go of the need to get a stamp of approval from “friends” or family that I am ok & my feelings are ok.

I hope this helps. You are not alone & I believe we are both meant to be here.

July 19, 2017 at 7:13 am #158958

Anonymous
Inactive

1 thing I forgot to mention is, cognitive behavioral therapy has also helped, I think. It took a couple tries before I found the right therapist, but it’s something I’d definitely recommend.

July 19, 2017 at 7:23 am #158964

Eliana
Participant

Hi Rachel,

Yes, wow..I have felt like this since I was a child. But most of it contributed to severe emotional and verbal abuse, and constant abandonment, and rejection from an Alcoholic mother. I received very little love, nurturing or care, until I was taken away from her by courts and adopted.

Still, the damage had been done. Growing up, I was bullied often in grade school and middle school, contributing to depression and low self esteem. My family, had to take me out of public schools, and put me in Private expensive “academy’s” or “boarding” schools. The bullying stopped, but I too felt very much alone, left out, wanting to disappear, being very troubled, no one seemed to understand me, which only left me feeling worse. Like I was on the outside looking in. If I did make friends, I was a doormat, or they only came to me if they wanted something from me.

Today, I am in intensive therapy for several mental health diagnosis, and 2 12 step anonymous programs. Which have been a Godsend. I am also on emotion regulation medication called “Topamax” which helps with intense overwhelming feelings and emotions. Remeron and Wellbutrin for Major Depressive Disorder, Klonopin and Busphar for anxiety and panic attacks. And Ambien for sleep due to racing thoughts.

I Are you in any type of counseling or medication? You didn’t mention that in your post. Do you have a support group you can join? To help you cope? I hope you feel better soon. There is hope..

July 20, 2017 at 7:00 pm #159272

Mark
Participant

Hi Rachel,

I know how bad our emotions (or lack of) can get, and the need to not want to exist. I think the only thing you can do sometimes is to look forward at all the good in the future instead of getting pulled into that state of detachment. You are only 23-years-old! I bet some posters on this board would do a lot to go back to 23. You still have so much time ahead of you! Maybe you have some purpose or reason that is causing you to feel this way now, to prepare you for something. I know it seems impossible to get overwhelmed in this state, but try to find something you love to do. What gets you excited? Sometimes just a walk to a coffee shop can gradually start to help make things better. Just listening, noticing all the details as you anticipate some strong coffee!

Instead of letting the detachment overwhelm you, try to create possibility instead. Who do you want to become? Focus on the hope instead of becoming lost in detachment.
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