Forum Replies Created
July 29, 2017 at 4:58 pm #161000
Hi Cali Chica,
Probably the best advice I ever received was to just observe the thoughts instead of responding to them. Instead of becoming overwhelmed by emotions, respond with strength and calmness. Listening continuously can also really help quiet these unwanted thoughts that lead to all these messed up feelings. The drama with your mom I think is a pretty common storyline, but it’s hard to give advice about this type of situation. I think good advice is to try to respond in a way you think your mom would respect instead of becoming overwhelmed. I ironically found when I stay calm and think about how I can help the person with their own negativity can be a great way to grow in the relationship.
Also, instead of focusing on the bad, perhaps you can instead focus on the person you want to become and make progress toward that person everyday. I like to imagine the person I want to be and then break down that person into goals and steps toward that goal. Focusing on progress and the goodness you create can be a lot better than thinking about things that you wish were different. Try to focus on the hope instead of the negativity.July 29, 2017 at 4:45 pm #160996
Thinking about focusing on the hope for your next partner as you remember the things about the person you are trying to get over that you didn’t like can really help snap the idealizations we tend to create of people we are trying to move on from. Maybe you can create a routine in the morning that fills your morning with things you love instead of tired periods of depression. As soon as you feel the depression start to settle, go and do something you love to do.
As you move on, perhaps you can focus on becoming the person you want to become instead of thinking about the things that you wish were different. You can create a list of goals and steps that will lead me toward the person you want to become in the future and move toward that person everyday. Progress can be a beautiful feeling.July 29, 2017 at 4:37 pm #160994
I know the things you are going through. Usually depression is a sign that you haven’t moved on from something you should have. If you are lingering over regrets in the past, perhaps there is a way you can do something to make up what is bothering you. Focusing on the goodness that we do instead of our regrets can help us grow into the person who we want to become. I’ve found thinking about that person and then creating a list of steps toward that person can really help because you are always focusing on the progress toward one of those steps instead of thinking about the things you wish was different. Progress can be a beautiful, beautiful feeling. Try to focus on the hope that is out there.
Another good tip that really helped me with my anxiety that I got from “DARE: A New Way to End Anxiety” is that when you start feeling anxious, instead of feeding it fear, respond with strength. And then go and do something that you love instead of lingering in the anxiety.
Meditation or whatever you want to call just standing and breathing naturally as you listen continuously to be the best way to relax and quiet the thoughts that make us more anxious. Listening to sounds can be the greatest thing sometimes!July 29, 2017 at 4:24 pm #160990
Hi Ana Iris,
That is one of the prettiest nicknames I ever read on the board. I went through something similar as you, and the advice that helped me the most I think was to think about the person who you want to become and then create a list of steps that lead to that person. I usually simplify the person I want to become into goals and steps, and everyday you make progress toward one of those steps. Everyday you can become a little better. Focusing on the hope of progress at the end of the day can be a lot better feeling than feeling detached and alone.
Also, I found focusing on helping other people can really help me to grow and feel better at the end of the day because I can reflect on the goodness I caused instead of focusing on things that I want to be different. I’ve never done this before, but I think it would be cool to help someone without them even knowing it so they don’t feel like they have to pay you back or something.
Also, I’ve found that trying to become a person who loves to be by myself has caused me a lot of the happiness I have found. I don’t really linger too much over what other people think anymore, which is where the source of a lot of problems often begin. Become the person you want to be, the best person you can be.July 25, 2017 at 6:18 pm #160202
Moderation is good advice, but also just taking little steps forward everyday can also really help. Everyday you can get a little better. Try to focus on the progress… it can be a really beautiful feeling. It could help to make a list of things you want to change, then a set of realistic steps toward each of those changes. Then every day you can move forward toward one of the goals. Who is the person you want to become? You can still do anything you decide to focus on. Focus on the hope that becoming better causes, and be gentle with yourself when you have a set back.July 25, 2017 at 6:09 pm #160200
Maybe there is some way you can help your cousin to alleviate your guilt. I’ve found when I also feel better about myself when I help someone because I am focusing on the good that I’ve done instead of feeling like a bad person. Keep in mind she asked to try them with you, and she probably would have tried it anyway even if you didn’t do it with her for the first time. Know you can’t really do something about what’s already happened, you can only try to make things right going forward.July 25, 2017 at 6:04 pm #160198
One thing that helps me when I’m at work when I am feeling overwhelmed is to stop for a moment and write down the most important things I have to do. Then I try to make a list of steps required to complete each thing. Then you can go and prioritize all the goals and steps. This way you can always be making progress toward something.
Also, perhaps some strategies to relax before work could help. I started to meditate for just five to ten minutes before work, just breathing as I listen continuously and try to stay present, and it can really help clear your head. I would recommend not doing it before work though for the first few times because it can be uncomfortable at first. Also, the flip side and keeping yourself occupied with something on the commute over and before work can help you go in with more confidence.July 23, 2017 at 6:27 pm #159784
I think the thing to focus on is to create possibility instead of lingering over the things that you wish were different. Maybe you can earn some references interning or volunteering somewhere? Instead of staying low when we are unemployed and letting things overwhelm us, perhaps it is better to work on our own self-growth instead. Who is the person you want to become? What would you dream job be? Then create a list of goals and steps for each, and everyday make progress toward one of the goals. Take those first and next steps, and take the time to focus on the progress you are making, which can be a really beautiful feeling. I think the secret is to be moving forward instead of letting the things we can’t control overwhelm us.July 23, 2017 at 6:20 pm #159782
That’s funny, I am also a journalism major. I remember how much anxiety was involved in journalism, in meeting new people and asking them tough questions. One thing has really helped me with my own anxiety is a strategy I sort of modified from “DARE: A New Way to End Anxiety”: When the anxiety hits, instead of letting it overwhelm you, respond to it with a strong response that doesn’t involve fear. It’s funny how the anxiety can wither when fear isn’t mixed into the response. Then go and do something that you love instead of returning again and again to the anxious thoughts.
One thing that really helped me begin to grow is to ask myself “Who is the person I want to become?” As a writer, it might help you to write one page about this question, an assignment that Epictetus advises a person should do. Then I like to make a list of goals, choose one, and then create a list of the steps that lead to achieving that goal. Then take the first step and take the time to appreciate the feeling of progress. It can be such a beautiful feeling. Everyday you can move a little closer toward that goal. Create possibilities and make progress instead of staying stuck as you are unemployed.
Another thing that really helped, and I could imagine helping with a journalism career, is to imagine a happy memory before you meet someone. It can totally change the vibe of the conversation.
I actually just wrote this yesterday about purposes in this book I am writing. Come to think, maybe you might want to work on a project that is meaningful to you as you are unemployed. It may give you purpose, but I don’t think there is any one purpose out there that is the secret to our life:
“In the self-help genre there seems to be much written about our purposes, something we are meant to do in this life. The word is read and spoken so much that we don’t ever really think about it. To have a purpose implies something set in our lives, something we are supposed to be doing. Many people tend to believe that when we move toward our “purpose” we feel more right, but is that association with the feeling and purpose limiting our freedom when we designate a set role to our lives that we refer to daily?
Are we searching for the wrong thing when we focus on finding a purpose? Perhaps we are meant to do many things in this life, have many purposes. The search for one that defines us may even inhibit us from doing all the things our potential can produce. If I believe my purpose is to be a writer, think about all the other stuff that I could be doing as I sit here pushing keys to form words on the computer screen before me. If meeting a single person can change a life, think about all the people I’m not meeting as I struggle to write about something as complex as purpose in this life.”July 20, 2017 at 7:20 pm #159274
You don’t have to stay in a toxic relationship. You can gradually begin the process of letting go, if that’s what you think is right. Try to focus and listen instead of becoming overwhelmed. It might help to sit down and write about who you want to become and what you want to do say, six months in the future, a brainstorm of possibilities. And then go back and create what might be a sequence of steps to getting there. You can always amend these steps, but the point is to try and move forward each day, instead of falling deeper into the darkness. Every day you can get a little bit better. Try to focus on this hope instead of becoming lost in the darkness.
Is there someone out there who you trust who can help you through this process? Try to surround yourself with the best people possible. The police department can also help.
And you know what else might be good advice? I have found since I have started trying to help other people, that my own life starts to become a little better. I think it is instead of living in darkness, we are moving closer toward goodness when we help other people, without expecting anything in return. Just something to consider as you move forward toward all the possibilities in the future.
July 20, 2017 at 7:00 pm #159272
- This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Mark.
I know how bad our emotions (or lack of) can get, and the need to not want to exist. I think the only thing you can do sometimes is to look forward at all the good in the future instead of getting pulled into that state of detachment. You are only 23-years-old! I bet some posters on this board would do a lot to go back to 23. You still have so much time ahead of you! Maybe you have some purpose or reason that is causing you to feel this way now, to prepare you for something. I know it seems impossible to get overwhelmed in this state, but try to find something you love to do. What gets you excited? Sometimes just a walk to a coffee shop can gradually start to help make things better. Just listening, noticing all the details as you anticipate some strong coffee!
Instead of letting the detachment overwhelm you, try to create possibility instead. Who do you want to become? Focus on the hope instead of becoming lost in detachment.July 20, 2017 at 6:31 pm #159266
This is one of the most frustrating parts about relationships to me. Why should I have to be preoccupied by thoughts about someone who hurt me? What has helped me the most is two things: try to ignore the thoughts and focus on reality instead of the mental voices and images. Look at all the stuff around you that you never see, listen to all the sounds those thoughts tend to deafen. Then I find it helps to do something you love. Instead of falling into thinking about things you don’t want to, go the other way and find something you love to do that takes your mind off all the unwanted thoughts.
Sometimes these thoughts are just things you need to get through, for some reason. I find when I am thinking unwanted thoughts to go and try to help someone else. You are focusing on doing good for another person and putting positive things out there, instead of being pulled into your own mind.July 19, 2017 at 6:54 pm #159088
Maybe you are being too hard on yourself. Maybe all this searching for authenticity and trying to make people like you is taking away all the fun and possibility in life. Creating possibility is one of the best antidotes to loneliness and depression. It sounds like perhaps there is something in your life you need to move on from. If you know what you need to change, perhaps you could take a gradual approach toward moving away from it, toward the person who you want to become. I actually wrote a page on the person who I want to become (a philosopher named Epictetus advised doing this in the great book “The Art of Living”, which you might want to check out) and it can be very cathartic and guiding as you look ahead, and not backwards. One of the pieces of advice that changed my life that I read in that book is “Know what you can control, and what you can’t, and focus on what you can.” You can’t change anything that you’ve done, but you can control your actions and decisions as you move forward toward that person who you want to become. I think you’ll find the more you start to move toward that person, the more the right people will begin to come into your life. Focus on the hope out there, instead of being pulled into negative thinking.
T.H. White once wrote: “The best thing for being sad is to learn something.” Those little pockets of “learning time” can be so valuable when we are feeling down. What do you want to learn?
Maybe finding what you love doesn’t have to be so complicated. What makes you feel right in life? For me I like to just sort of walk around and listen and think, or not. It wasn’t something I “discovered”, but sort of fell into. I think being outside, in nature can be really spiritual and natural, and the act of listening may be one of the best things for healing and moving ahead.July 19, 2017 at 6:33 pm #159086
Maybe right now in life you aren’t supposed to be social. Perhaps there is something you have to get through or move on from before the right people enter your life. If we are constantly searching for people who make us feel bad about ourselves, is that moving toward who we are meant to become (if you believe in that)? Perhaps after you meet someone you can reflect for a few seconds on the way they make you feel, underneath all the looks and personality masks we all wear. If they make you feel bad, maybe it’s best to not let them take up too much of your time or thoughts.
One thing that helped me be optimistic and can really change the way people treat you is to imagine a happy memory or pretend like the person is your best friend as you meet them. If you put yourself in a happier mindset before you meet them the whole exchange could turn out more positive.
I also distance myself from people, but I find I am happier that way. Maybe being a loner doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Maybe it can be awesome! Try to spend your time on things you love, so that you love to be alone! And when you aren’t alone, try to surround yourself with the people who you love the most and who don’t make you feel bad.July 16, 2017 at 7:28 pm #158438
When I was going through a low point, I found two things helpful: First, to not only think about the things we like about the person we are trying to move on from, until it piles into this too-perfect idealization, but to also remember all the stuff about the person that we didn’t like as well. It sounds like kind of mean advice, but sometimes that is what it takes. “Man, I miss the way she used to…”. “But she also used to…”
The second thing that really helped me move forward is to try to focus on my own self-progress as much as possible instead of lingering over negative thoughts or the opinions of other people. I like to make a list of goals or things I want to change about myself, choose one to focus on, and then create a list of steps that will lead me to achieving it. And then after taking that first step, reflect on the progress, on the hope of growing, instead of things that make you feel bad. I think moving forward is the cure. Online dating is cool because you can meet new people, but even going to the same coffee shop or bar can lead to cool new connections, until who knows? Maybe one day you meet the love of your life. Try to focus on the possibilities instead of the bad.
T.H. White once wrote, “The secret to being said, is to learn something.” Learning can take you out of your own mind and instead create new neurons or whatever as your brain remember a new skill. For some reason, learning Japanese on my cell phone really helped me out of a low point. Just to get out of the apartment I would go to a bar during happy hour and nurse (or not) cheap discounted beers as I did Duolingo on my cell phone. The combination of the atmosphere and language lessons made me realize I hadn’t been thinking about my problems for almost fifteen minutes. That was sort of my hobby I looked forward to for a few weeks.
A book that really helped me was “Everyday Zen” by Charolotte Joko Beck. It really helped me to stop thinking about myself so much and instead focus on all this beauty around me in the present moment.