July 15, 2017 at 10:18 am #158274
Firstly, the reason I signed up this is that I really need some good and positive advice which can encourage and motivate me.
I feel insecure, fragile, unloved and inferior. I used to be outspoken and confident. However, I had encountered a lot of friendship problem back then, like betrayal, hated me without any reasons and backstabbed me, which causes me to have low self-esteem and quiet. I am afraid to approach people cause I am worried what if the same friendship problem will occur again? I have so much of worries and I chose to distance from people.
My past relationship was horrible. It went out fine at first right after breakup and slowly I found out that my ex was backstabbing me and telling everyone how terrible I was, which makes my friends and mates distance me as well. But what my ex said wasn't entirely true. I lose everything, him and friends……..I am alone. I moved to a new city soon but I found that I scared to talk with people, I worried they will judge me and I have this feeling that everyone around me may dislike me. I am helpless, I don't know what to do.
I seek help from counselor but I don't see much improvement on me. Recently, exam stress makes me having a lot negative thoughts and I cried more often than the previous. I got a very supportive boyfriend, but I am worried he will leave me if I tell him my past. He even bring me to church to receive prayers.
I don't know what should I do. I feel lonely, helpless at times.July 15, 2017 at 11:51 am #158292
You wrote: “I am afraid to approach people cause I am worried what if the same friendship problem will occur again?”- it is very important to learn and evaluate people before you get too close to them. If you take your time learning who the person is, over time, and evaluate that the person is trustworthy, then you are less likely to be hurt.
It is too bad that your ex boyfriend went “telling everyone how terrible I was”- he should have told only you what he was unhappy about, and in a respectful way. You wrote “what my ex said wasn't entirely true”- of what he said that was true, look into it, and change what needs to be changed in your behavior.
Regarding your supportive current boyfriend- share with him your present thoughts and feelings (not necessarily past events in your life), and allow him to help you.
anitaJuly 16, 2017 at 10:20 am #158374
Thank you Anita.July 16, 2017 at 10:32 am #158376
You are welcome, JeanKhoo. Post again anytime.
anitaJuly 16, 2017 at 6:58 pm #158428
I know when we are losing hope that it is easy to sort of fall into it, but I think the antidote is instead to create possibilities. We can always improve, no matter what is going on around us. Who is the person that you want to become? What do you want to change? I like to make a list of goals, choose one, and then create a list of steps that will help me move closer to that. And that at the end of the day you can reflect on progress, on something good, instead of thinking about things that pull us more and more into a vortex of negativity.
One thing that helped me with my own anxiety is to work on my response to it. I sense the anxiety well into my body, probably because I am anxious about the opinions of other people, but then what do I do next? I like to work on sort of detaching from it. Where is it in my body? Some professional advice I read in “DARE: A New Way to End Anxiety” is to almost respond to anxiety with a “F*** you” sort of response. And then instead of sitting there letting the anxiety overwhelm you, go do something that you love so that the negative feeling at least has to filter through something special. Over time, I think you will find the anxiety will start to lessen.
And you don't have to be around anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. I rather be alone than be around toxic people. Perhaps instead of worrying what others think, you can instead work on your own self-progress until you become a person who loves to be by herself! As you search for the special people to hold onto in your life, you can learn and grow so much. Focus on the hope and possibilities instead of the bad.July 18, 2017 at 7:07 am #158768
Thank you for spending time reading my post. I did what you mentioned before – listing goals, asking myself questions who I want to become, what I should focus in life. However, it didn't last long. Along the journey, I encountered a lot of disappointments as well. I always imagine that one day I will be a successful person filled with happiness and joy, I still think like this now actually. But sometimes, I feel that I won't be able to reach there. I have this negative thought that whatever good things I want it to happen, eventually it will be spoiled by something bad.
It is easier said than done. Previously, I googled a lot. I read a lot saying that at the end of the day, we will live the kind of life that we desire. It may not happen now, but soon, later, at last it will happen. Also, a lot of people said eventually the right person (friends and boyfriend/girlfriend) will come into life. But I found that no matter what I do, I seem like don't have a friend which I can share everything to. I know my problem, that I am not open enough to people. I scared betrayal, I worried what if the past friendship problem will still happen to me, that's why I kind of distance myself from people and prefer to do things most of the time.
But recently, I met someone and we are dating now. I want to improve my life, to be a more optimistic person. With all the stress in studies, sometimes I cried a lot and wonder why my life is so miserable.July 19, 2017 at 6:33 pm #159086
Maybe right now in life you aren't supposed to be social. Perhaps there is something you have to get through or move on from before the right people enter your life. If we are constantly searching for people who make us feel bad about ourselves, is that moving toward who we are meant to become (if you believe in that)? Perhaps after you meet someone you can reflect for a few seconds on the way they make you feel, underneath all the looks and personality masks we all wear. If they make you feel bad, maybe it's best to not let them take up too much of your time or thoughts.
One thing that helped me be optimistic and can really change the way people treat you is to imagine a happy memory or pretend like the person is your best friend as you meet them. If you put yourself in a happier mindset before you meet them the whole exchange could turn out more positive.
I also distance myself from people, but I find I am happier that way. Maybe being a loner doesn't have to be a bad thing. Maybe it can be awesome! Try to spend your time on things you love, so that you love to be alone! And when you aren't alone, try to surround yourself with the people who you love the most and who don't make you feel bad.