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I am in a dark hole…

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Mark 2 months ago.

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  • #158486

    Zeba
    Participant

    I have not been myself in a long time. I am in a four year relationship and the past year has been hell. Everything was amazing for the first three years. We used to fight, but we both realized our mistakes and played an equal part in fixing everything. This past year, he has been distant. He stopped telling me things, blames me for everything, hurts me, and manipulates me. Worst, he uses gas-lighting techniques to make me question my own sanity. He will tell me he never said something even though i will have proof. Yesterday, I asked him if I could come over and he ignored me, so i let it go. Later, he went over to his cousin’s house and I asked him, is that why you ignored me and did not want me to come? YOu should have told me you had plans, it would have not mattered, but why did you ignore me. He left his cousins house and told me I can come and to be at his house in 20 minutes. I told him I am no longer coming and he said he left his cousins house for me and that now he wants me to come and I have to be there in 20 minutes. My house is at least 40 minutes away from his house and he knows that very well.

    i leave and go to his house but I do not get there in twenty minutes. He doesn’t open the door and tells me to wait. I wait and wait. He then tells me after an hour that i came too late and to go home. I tell him that this is childish but he told me that i came on my own time so now he doesn’t want me there and that he never asked me to come at all! I drive 40 minutes back to my house and cry myself to sleep.

    this is just an example of my torture, but it is worse. I have been physically and especially emotionally abused for over a year now. I have no idea what to do. It hurts a lot. I try to move on and it does not work. It is like he does not care about me. Who loves someone and has them stay outside his house for an hour and drive almost an hour and a half only to turn them back? I am very confused. I have a wonderful life. Parents who love me, a great job, everything I ever wanted, i have fulfilled my dreams. However, this thing defines me and he is killing me. He blames me for everything. Everything. I want to pull back but I can’t, I have no idea how. I am severely depressed and have thoughts of suicide because i invested so much love and my life is on fire right now.

    Anyone, someone, please help.

    #158522

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeba:

    You wrote that you have parents who love you, a great job, everything you ever wanted- reach out to your parents for help, seek quality psychotherapy, please do get the help you need.

    You wrote: “Everything was amazing for the first three years. We used to fight, but we both realized our mistakes and played an equal part in fixing everything”- it reads to me that for three years the two of you fought and it worked for you, the ways the fights were resolved. Then on the fourth year he changed the fighting rules and it no longer works for you, understandably. Thing is, there shouldn’t be fighting in a love relationship: it is not necessary and it is harmful.

    How were the fights resolved during the first three years, can you give me an example or two?

    anita

    #158526

    Zeba
    Participant

    Anita, thank you for responding.

    By fights I mean arguments. I would get upset over something he did and he would realize it and apologize and I would do the same. Now, if he upsets me and I try to talk to him about it, he threatens to stop talking to me or leave me. I tell him I am upset with you I don’t want to talk to you right now, but have a good day and he responds “well then have a good life.” I don’t know if he even cares that I am in his life anymore. He wants to control me and get his way by threatening me that he will leave. If I tell him that he hurt me, he always says “well you shouldn’t have started it.” to him, even telling him that he is doing something wrong is starting something…and then all hell breaks loose and in the end, “it is my fault and if I would have kept my mouth shut and not complained, nothing would have gone wrong.” to him a perfect relationship is me always doing what he says and if he hurts me, to suck it up and let it go.

    I told him today that if he wants me to be in his life as his love, he needs to stop threatening to leave me at every fight to get a reaction. I told him I do no want to be with you if I will be scared of you all my life. I told him that he can come talk to me if he wants to realize that threatening will not work anymore. He said, “have a good life. i don’t really care.”

    #158530

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zeba:

    It reads to me that your boyfriend is angry with you and has been angry with you for a long time. The fighting of three years wore him down.

    I don’t think he wants to go back to the way things were. I don’t think there is a way to go back there, to argue/ fight the way the two of you did. If there is a chance for this relationship, it is no longer arguing/ fighting.

    There is a way to communicate effectively. If the two of you did, if the two of you were willing to learn how and then do it, a whole lot of good can come out of a mutually respectful, honest communication.

    As is at this point, the relationship is not loving and is not healthy. I believe that you cannot fix it by telling him… one more time, that he is wrong or selfish or any such criticism. If the two of you are willing, a relationship/ couple therapy would be best. In such sessions, a good therapist will teach the two of you to communicate effectively, without arguing. There are skills in such practice, which the therapist can teach the two of you as you practice those in her/ his office.

    anita

    #158552

    Zeba
    Participant

    I have been thinking about that as well. Hopefully I can get him on board. Thanks for the help! 🙂

    #158558

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Zeba. Post again anytime.

    anita

    #158822

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Zeba,

    It looks like you have received some great advice. I just wanted to comment a little on your post. The first thing I wanted to comment on is communication style and your relating to him under so stressful situations. You said “Is that why you ignored me and did not want to come? You **should have** told me you had plans. It would not mattered. But why did you ignore me?

    This immediately will put anyone on the defensive. Try to avoid using “should have” statements, because it will only cause the other person to get very defensive and verbally attack you back. It’s a no win situation. A vicious cycle. Another one is “why did you ignore me” again, shifting the blame to him, when there is no fact to prove this is true, you are “fortune telling” and “mind reading” again, putting him on the defensive, making him want to hurt you back.

    Instead, use “I feel” statements. “It made me feel left out and sad that I was not included” I would like to be made to feel like part of your life more” instead of “why did you ignore me”. I think it all boils down to a breakdown and unhealthy communication styles. A professional conflict resolution therapist can teach better ways to talk to someone to express your needs.

    With that being said. No woman should ever, ever be emotionally, verbally or physically abused. You said you had a good relationship with your parents, please get to a safe place immediately, because it will only escalate and I fear for your safety. Can you move in with your parents or go to a domestic violence shelter? Just get away from this man, he is dangerous. Avoid all future contact with him. He may apologize and say he will get better, but willpower alone will not make him better without anger management treatment.

    #159274

    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Zeba,

    You don’t have to stay in a toxic relationship. You can gradually begin the process of letting go, if that’s what you think is right. Try to focus and listen instead of becoming overwhelmed. It might help to sit down and write about who you want to become and what you want to do say, six months in the future, a brainstorm of possibilities. And then go back and create what might be a sequence of steps to getting there. You can always amend these steps, but the point is to try and move forward each day, instead of falling deeper into the darkness. Every day you can get a little bit better. Try to focus on this hope instead of becoming lost in the darkness.

    Is there someone out there who you trust who can help you through this process? Try to surround yourself with the best people possible. The police department can also help.

    And you know what else might be good advice? I have found since I have started trying to help other people, that my own life starts to become a little better. I think it is instead of living in darkness, we are moving closer toward goodness when we help other people, without expecting anything in return. Just something to consider as you move forward toward all the possibilities in the future.

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by  Mark.
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