Dear Marie:

The question of why bad things happen to good people is the reason many people don’t believe in god, that is, in an entity that cares for justice. According to the concept of justice, good things should happen to good people and bad things should happen to bad people.

Some of the bad things that happen to us are random (a tornado, for example), other things are a result of other people’s choices (abuse by a parent is one example. Another example: stock market collapse is a result of many, many other people’s choices, people you never met). Yet other things that happen in our lives are a result of our choices.

There is nothing you can do about the first two groups of bad-things-happening (random and other people’s choices). It is only the third group (your own choices) that you can do something about. Would you like to provide an example or two of choices you have made in the past that led to negative results for you, choices maybe that you repeated throughout life regardless of repeatedly getting negative results?

anita

Hi Marie,

I am sorry to hear that this is a difficult time for you and hope that my perspective regarding your situation can be helpful you during this time of need.

What I have learned about “helping others” is this: #1. If your going to help another, expect nothing back in return. Do not hold that person accountable for your kind gesture wether true or false. I sometimes too support undeserving people who are dishonest; however, I know that is MY personal choice to do so. No matter how obligated I may feel to help someone else it is I who has control on wether or not I do so and how much I am willing or capable of helping.

#2. Bad things happen to everyone (unfortunately) both good and bad, black or white, tall or short, rich or poor. These are things that are out of our control and can not be compared. As unfair life may seem everyone is struggling with something and yes it may be at different degrees of pain, hurt, or sickness; however, it just depends on one’s perspective. There are families who have very limited food resources and supplies that are just necessary for living and this is not by choice, but just the circumstances they live in, but to them it is not a curse it is just a way of life.

#3. If you are religious and depending on what religion you believe in or who your God is it may be applied a little differently than other religions, but as I was taught God is not in control of what his children do he can only be a guide to them. He supplies us with the tools we need and it is then up to us on how we choose to use them. If you believe in Jesus Christ as it was written he came to Earth to “help others” expecting nothing in return. Now, I am not saying you are Jesus Christ, but we have to consider his actions here on Earth as a lesson of what this world is capable of and how we can only help those who want help, who are ready for help. Jesus helped many people who then turned against him due to their circumstances, whether it was fear, pain, hate, selfishness, doubt or out of love. They had their reasons for what they did and why they did it. I am not saying their reasons were right or correct; however they all had to make a choice for one reason or the other.

I admire who you are and you should too. As you described you are someone who loves deeply, who endures many unfortunate circumstances yet continues to show sympathy for those in need. I am the same way. I have felt as you have felt. Why me? I live my life accordingly and I justify myself as a “good” person and I just can not seem to find any reason why “Bad” things keep falling right into my lap so effortlessly. As I have learned some of these mishaps are lessons, preparation, and wisdom. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail others and sometimes even myself. The people I help are as I like to see it reflections of myself in some ways I can see how we connect and why I feel so eager to step in and help because I too am drowning because I too need help.

My advice to you is do what you can of others, but do not forget to first take care of yourself; mind, body, and soul. If you are not balanced yourself in all three entities you can not help others and make a difference. We have to be leaders by example; role models for others. Also, have your guard up make those you help to meet you half way if they are unwilling to meet you half way you are only being an enabler (as I have) actions always speak louder than words. Also be mindful of where your store and focus your energy. I have to be honest as well some people are just not worth your energy and you can be the judge of that since you’ve experienced a multitude of different situations you are most likely a good judge of ones character.

Just know this: Your never and not alone in this. You are STRONGER than most and I do not say this to put you on a pedestal, but I say this because there are very few people today who are willing to sacrifice their time and energy for the wellbeing of others. In a generation today where society has become so self-absorbed and competitive it is hard to find friends or support groups in the flesh. Despite all the technology we do have it can become a very cold place for someone who just needs a shoulder to lean on.

Hope I helped and sending good vibes.

Aloha,

Moani

Dear Marie:

I didn’t notice your second post until this late morning. If I noticed it before, I would have answered earlier. I will quote parts of your post and follow with my comments:

“I have always believed in God as you rightly describe as an entity that cares about justice”- clearly, as is evident everywhere, there is no entity seeing to it that justice indeed takes place. Injustice is common, frequent, evident and undeniable.

“…maybe a childhood fantasy created by myself that God is somehow there to protect me and my family and others.”- I believe that god as protector is a fantasy.

“I have prayed and prayed but still things go wrong”- I prayed as well, as a child, with same results. I no longer do because there is no one to pray to.

“I was adopted as a child but my adoptive father was a peodophile… he sexually abused me for a very long time”- this is a bad-thing-happening, repeatedly, for a long time because of someone else’s choices, the pedophile’s choices to sexually abuse you. You were his victim, a 100% victim, carrying zero responsibility for the abuse you suffered.

“I then went into a relationship / marriage with a man who physically, sexually, verbally, emotionally abused me…”- this is a bad-thing-happening, repeatedly, for a long time because of someone else’s choices, your ex husband’s choices to abuse you. Again he is 100% responsible for his abuse of you and you carry zero responsibility for his abusive acts toward you.

There is some responsibility on your part for staying in the relationship once the abuse was evident because you were an adult and in practicality, you had options. But because of your history of being abused as a child, and the results of that history, your ability to leave and protect yourself was compromised.

“now I am in a relationship with a man who doesn’t want to commit full time to me, yet I stay committed to him putting aside all my wishes and hopes.”- again, as the adult that you are, you have options, you don’t have to stay in that relationship. This is an example of a bad-thing-happening, perhaps, that is a result of your choice to be in this relationship in the ways that you are and to stay in it.

“The second example is helping and trusting people, I took in  a young girl  years ago…found the tape and she played it for my daughter, my daughter went on to have problems for years associated with this trauma… I have opened my life to help others but ended up being very very badly hurt, it repeats itself over and over in my life.”- each person who hurt you, like this young girl, is 100% responsible for their hurtful actions. And you are responsible for allowing them into your life and the life of your daughters.

You have to study and evaluate the people who you choose to allow into your life and into the lives of your daughters. Because there is no entity to protect you, you have to protect yourself best you can. Your first responsibility is to protect yourself and your daughters, not to help others.

“Why do these things keep happening?” – some of what happened was a result of other people’s choices. Some of the things are a combination of other people’s choices and your own.

There is nothing you can do about random occurrences and other people’s choices. Neither are you responsible for those. You are responsible only for your behavior, as an adult, when you have options.

There is no one up there, an entity, watching you, taking notes and coming up with some reasoning like: Marie is a good person, so I am going to make sure good things happen to her. No such entity, so you have to be your own protective entity. You have to do the job of protecting yourself, your children and of making your life as just as can be, that is, practicing justice in your life.

“I was just so drawn to your website and the honest, insightful discussions that you have with members”-I am a member like any other member here, not the owner of the website, not an employee, only a member, like you.

“a stolen car, chased by Police Officers came into our estate..”- this is an example of a bad-thing-happening as a result of a random occurrence.

The woman that helped you leave your abusive marriage, she was a good-thing-happening in your life. I am sure there are other examples. It is not your fate that bad things happened. Bad things happen, unfortunately, not only to you but to many, many others, millions of people worldwide. I wish it wasn’t reality, I didn’t choose this reality. I am only observing it to be what it is.

Soon I will be away from the computer. Please do post again and if you’d like, I will be glad to reply to you again.

anita