Dear Mary899:

You asked: “To what extent has it been my fault?”

I see a fault in your thinking. You wrote regarding the first friend: “I still don’t recall a single time in which I totally felt comfortable in her presence, and I always felt ashamed of myself because of that. I kept reminding myself of her good qualities, telling myself that I should be more accepting and less sensitive to her behavior”-

The right thinking, I believe, would have been:

There is nothing wrong or shameful about my feeling of discomfort around this person. There is a valid reason and a message behind my feeling, and the message is that I should stay away from her.

Regarding the second friend you wrote: “I again told myself that I should be more forgiving and less sensitive”- again, faulty thinking, I believe. The correct thinking would have been:

Regarding forgiving: I should not tolerate disrespectful/ abusive behavior. I can forgive a person for such after protecting myself from that person, after no longer exposing myself to her, not before.

Regarding sensitivity: I am sensitive and it is a good thing because I can sense who I should associate with, befriend, and who I should not. Being sensitive protects me this way, leads me to make wiser friendship choices.

anita