thanks for everything. sorry about the late reply, kind of all over the place [obviously]

that was nice what you said about my coworker, hiding frustrations just came easier for him i suppose. regarding the whole don’t smile at the rude customer, i would if i could, but my work doesn’t like that. we’re suppose to go above and beyond for the customer, so we have to act super happy friendly and jump through hopes for entertainment. yes, we do have our regulars we can kind of be real with, but the ones you don’t want to be, those are the ones you need to impress. otherwise they complain to head office and we get in trouble. life still isn’t normal there yet, but it’s getting better. still, i have been thinking about it, and while i want to move up, it doesn’t feel worth it, like it’s just moving away from the things i like about the job and closer to the stuff i don’t, and i want one of those jobs that makes me want to go. i know there’s good days and bad ones in every job, but something i’m excited to do for 40+ years is what i hope for. it was very sweet what you said about being friendly in my own way, sadly my way of being friendly is to say something sarcastic to you and give a crooked smile. [this is why i struggle making friends, i’m scary lol]

i’m glad you like the poem. in the context of the poem i was tapping into [empathizing i suppose] with the main character, with her struggle to be like the people around her. i really like The Bell Jar, but i have to be very careful reading it [i’ve been intentionally avoiding it during this week] because i completely feel for her, one of my favourite chapters is when she sits at the sea side waiting for the tide [why i put that in the poem] there’s been a few times i’ve gotten too immersed in the book and had to put it down. [maybe i shouldn’t connect with a woman who eventually committed suicide in real life] i keep getting these sparks of inspiration only for them to die out and i’m left looking around wondering why i can’t smile and carry a friendly conversation, or why i don’t know what i want out of life. i’m still trying, but it’s just hard when you don’t know how to narrow things down, or where to go. it’s twice as frustrating when most people says it’s normally something right in front of your face you keep overlooking like ‘well then how am i suppose to see it if i keep overlooking it?!’ lol, that’s the annoying part of life i guess.

thanks for all your help, i really enjoy reading your responses to forums [even when it’s not about my problems lol]