Hi Lucy,

I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this rough patch with your boyfriend–I can’t imagine how bad it felt to read those messages on his phone.

I think there are two “transgressions” here: 1. You snooped in your boyfriend’s phone and broke his trust; and 2. Your boyfriend has sent questionable messages to a girl with whom he has a relationship that you’re not entirely comfortable with–and he knows it, and he broke your trust in this way.

You have both made these mistakes, and that is not going away; it’s not going to change. You two have to sit down together to figure out how to work through this. This might sound cheesy, but I suggest agreeing on a time together to have the conversation and agreeing upon an amount of time to talk about it. So, maybe you first talk about the snooping–its underlying causes (what were you feeling–truly–when you did it), his reaction to it (i.e. why did he get so mad–truly, why did he have his reaction?)–for 30 minutes, then you turn to his relationship with Heather and your feelings about it (i.e. you say, “I feel like you would leave me for her if she moved here. I feel like these text messages show that you have some feelings for her that you’re not admitting…” or whatever it is you feel) for 30 minutes. If this is too “formal,” then some sort of acknowledgement that you need to talk about both the snooping and the texts so that your needs aren’t just brushed aside…you’re not going to forget what you read.

I also think you need to have some honest moments with yourself and share that honesty with him.  You both deserve to be with people you love and who love you 100%, no questions asked, who you’re totally comfortable and confident with. Right now, there is this other person looming large in the relationship, and you two have to figure out why–the true why, the why that comes when you ask yourself “why” like five or six times, digging deeper each time. You cannot be ruled by the fear you might have of the answer that you find when you get to the heart of it.

I’m not sure of your situation, but if the two of you are serious about getting through this together, then this might be the perfect opportunity to strengthen your relationship with the help of a relationship counselor.

I hope this helped somewhat. You sound like you understand that communication is going to be key, so have courage in the face of what you find 🙂 Good luck!