I snooped on my boyfriend's phone and found something.

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This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 5 months ago by mopty.

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August 16, 2017 at 3:16 am #164190

Lucy
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Hey everyone,

I’ve come on here to ask some advice about my recent discovery after I did the terrible deed of snooping through my boyfriend’s phone. But first, there is something you should know: my boyfriend and I were friends before we became anything more, and whilst we were friends, he told me that he had kissed his closest female friend (Heather) once. He maintained back then, and now, that he never wanted to be in a relationship with her and their friendship continued as if nothing had happened, and they have kept it a secret from all their mutual university friends, even to this day.

My boyfriend and I have been together little over a year now, and given that Heather does not study in our city, I have actually only met Heather very recently – about a month ago. I have met her twice now and could tell there was something very untrustworthy and very two-faced about her. I felt as if she was interrogating me about my life rather than asking questions to show interest and have a normal conversation.

I have brought up my worries about Heather to my boyfriend, several times – about how I feel she may still have a soft spot for him based on her affectionate messages (despite her having a boyfriend) to him which I would see from time to time if he was showing me things on his phone – and each time, he would sit down and spend how ever long it takes to make me feel better about the situation by saying that he sees her as nothing more than a sister and he would choose me over her in his life etc.

Last night, I had his phone in my hand and my curiosity got the better of me and I started snooping through his texts with her. I found some text messages between them, one of which was her saying that he was the love of her life and he responded with ‘I hope so’ as she was ‘really special’. She would always ask ‘can I have a kiss?’ to which he would respond with kisses and she would even send him photos of herself looking nice/dressed up. He never responded to the pictures and never said anything suggestive nor anything that could be deemed as cheating, but I had to confront the situation.

I told him I went through his phone and his text messages with Heather, he looked shellshocked and said ‘so?’ and I said that they weren’t okay, he replied with pure anger and said ‘you shouldn’t have done that’ and walked away. We spent the entire evening talking about it, both face to face and on the phone. He was absolutely furious that I went through his phone as it has broken his trust when it comes to his right to privacy.

I felt that the issue of the text messages was shunned aside because it was overshadowed by the fact that I snooped and I completely understand that was wrong but I am also deeply hurt by the messages I found as he knew my worries about her and has enabled the inappropriate comments.

I know he hasn’t cheated, and he understands my reasons and said he’s angry with himself for not doing anything to put my mind at ease when I had told him about her all those times in the past. But, I don’t know where to move forward from here, I do trust him but he had deliberately concealed this information from me, and I don’t know what do do.

I’m sorry for the long essay and thank you for reading! Any advice on how to move forward?

August 16, 2017 at 4:28 am #164196
Inky
Participant
Hi Lucy,

I’m just part of an old married couple, but I’m all “Here’s my password, whatever”. But when guys suddenly get possessive of their phones and change the password it makes me nervous.

One time my kid was all, “What’s your password, dad?” to look something up and he was all, “Give the phone to me” and I immediately said, “It’s *****.” He was all shell-shocked, as you perfectly described. Now, I never went through his stuff, but I did give him That Look (arched eyebrow with a smirk), like, “I know more than you think, but I’m too cool to say so, and you think you are so cute with your password protected phone.” It’s what you DON’T say!

What you could do is contact her and write (bonus points if it’s from his phone), “You know we don’t keep anything from each other, right?” with a wink emoji so she knows it’s you, or thinks it’s coming from both of you.

Now, she will either lay off him, and scuttle away, embarrassed, or confront him or tease him about it, in which case he’ll be put on the spot either way. (GOOD!)

If this blows up your relationship, GOOD. So be it.

For what it’s worth, I think he just likes the attention.

Good Luck,

Inky
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Inky.
August 16, 2017 at 6:52 am #164200

i_like_advice
Participant

Hi Lucy,

I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this rough patch with your boyfriend–I can’t imagine how bad it felt to read those messages on his phone.

I think there are two “transgressions” here: 1. You snooped in your boyfriend’s phone and broke his trust; and 2. Your boyfriend has sent questionable messages to a girl with whom he has a relationship that you’re not entirely comfortable with–and he knows it, and he broke your trust in this way.

You have both made these mistakes, and that is not going away; it’s not going to change. You two have to sit down together to figure out how to work through this. This might sound cheesy, but I suggest agreeing on a time together to have the conversation and agreeing upon an amount of time to talk about it. So, maybe you first talk about the snooping–its underlying causes (what were you feeling–truly–when you did it), his reaction to it (i.e. why did he get so mad–truly, why did he have his reaction?)–for 30 minutes, then you turn to his relationship with Heather and your feelings about it (i.e. you say, “I feel like you would leave me for her if she moved here. I feel like these text messages show that you have some feelings for her that you’re not admitting…” or whatever it is you feel) for 30 minutes. If this is too “formal,” then some sort of acknowledgement that you need to talk about both the snooping and the texts so that your needs aren’t just brushed aside…you’re not going to forget what you read.

I also think you need to have some honest moments with yourself and share that honesty with him. You both deserve to be with people you love and who love you 100%, no questions asked, who you’re totally comfortable and confident with. Right now, there is this other person looming large in the relationship, and you two have to figure out why–the true why, the why that comes when you ask yourself “why” like five or six times, digging deeper each time. You cannot be ruled by the fear you might have of the answer that you find when you get to the heart of it.

I’m not sure of your situation, but if the two of you are serious about getting through this together, then this might be the perfect opportunity to strengthen your relationship with the help of a relationship counselor.

I hope this helped somewhat. You sound like you understand that communication is going to be key, so have courage in the face of what you find 🙂 Good luck!

August 17, 2017 at 6:53 am #164354

Lucy
Participant

Thank you, Inky and i_like_advice! Your comments were much appreciated 🙂

We have spoken and both want to move past the situation and continue our relationship, which is normally so wonderful and makes us both really happy.

He has now expressed that he wants to gradually remove Heather from his life as a friend, they will always be acquainted as they have many mutual friends back from when they were at university together. I told him that if he wants to take such measures, he can’t be doing so for me, as this may cause resentment later on but he is insisting it is for both of us and that this has been a long time coming, even before him and I were in a relationship.

I have apologised for invading his privacy and understand that I should have communicated with him before snooping. Although he understands why I did so, he is still hurt and claims he doesn’t really trust me with his phone right now but he will get over it – personally I don’t see what I did as a ‘betrayal of his trust’ as I had reason to do so, a reason I had communicated to him several times before I did so and if he went through my phone, I wouldn’t care anywhere near as much as he happens to care.

However, everyone is different and reacts differently to different things, I guess.

I won’t be confronting her, I don’t think I should be in contact with her as she shouldn’t know that she bothered me this much, I feel like she would enjoy that. Therefore, if she is out with the rest of his friends and we bump into her, I will act cordial and conduct myself with dignity as I have finally realised, she is irrelevant.

August 18, 2017 at 9:36 am #164584

Justhere
Participant

You are so right, she is very irrelevant. Remember, it takes two to tango, you read the messages and although he never replied ‘I love you too’ he was definitely entertaining her feelings, deep feelings for him. Yeah, he would say whatever to let you think that they will stop communicating but all I can say is that you have to decide if you can live with knowing he may or may not have feelings for her. You have to either forgive him fully or none at all. Bringing it up after you have moved past it will only aggrevate him. And him saying you broke his trust is just him trying to take the blame off him. He broke your trust too! Dont sell yourself short for the familiar feeling of love and acceptance. You deserve the best, and you deserve loyalty and respect.

August 18, 2017 at 6:13 pm #164644

Naturelover
Participant

Lucy,

you have the right to be upset. You’ve mentioned to him before that you don’t feel comfortable about heather (and rightly so!!)

He Hasn’t respected you enough to take that into account and was texting her with things that would obviously be upsetting to you. That’s not okay. Your feelings should come first to him regardless of anything.

November 9, 2018 at 7:11 am #236159

mopty
Participant

Hi Lucy,

Thank you for sharing. How are you and your bf doing now? I am curious, did Heather ever interfere with the relationship again? I think it’s very inappropriate that she sends him photos of her dressed up etc and emotionally cheating with her bf by asking him for a kiss, etc.
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