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The Darkness Inside

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  • August 17, 2017 at 2:19 pm #164492
    dany
    Participant

    I can sense a darkness in me. It’s definitely the shadow aspects of my soul that I repress. It doesn’t mean that I want to act on these evil parts of me but I know that they are there and they do come out sometimes.

    I am super egotistical. I can’t help but think of me every time someone talks about their issues or whenever someone is talking.

    I am self centred. I always want all the attention to be on me but at the same time I don’t want that bc Im self conscious. I hate it when people talk too much and I want the conversation to stay on me. I realised that and I feel hypocritical.

    I have sadistic fantasies although I’ve never acted on them and never will. I just want to accept the darkest part of me. I sometimes mess and pinch my dog bc she is so passive but I love her with all my heart. 

    I am judgmental and superficial. I try not to judge people since I have problems myself and mental illness but I can’t help it. I get angry at myself for having these judgemental thoughts and I force and think myself into empathy although it isn’t my first instinct. Plus, I care a lot about the way I look. I reject my body and specially my face. Im super insecure bc of how I look.

    I feel bad constantly and I won’t allow myself to be that way. I hate myself for being so lazy, for procrastinating and for being anti-social. I know it’s because of my social anxiety but I want to allow myself to just be the way I am without feeling ashamed.

    I feel guilty that I am constantly searching outside of me on how to cure my mental health issues. I cannot, at least right now, accept my problems. I always feel the need to look online for solutions.. I just can’t seem to leave things alone.

    I am ashamed of my mental illness. I struggle significantly in confessing or sharing my struggles. Then I feel ashamed about being ashamed.

    I am anti- social. I hate that. I don’t allow or accept that part of me. Im scared that others will be able to tell that Im in my house all the time and that I don’t have many friends (I have lost most due to my mental illness). I don’t do much. I lay around in my house all day.. I don’t work, I don’t study (Im 20), I barely go out. Im depressed and I don’t want any one to know ( Although I have gotten much better… I have a therapist and I have told my mom everything).

    August 18, 2017 at 10:07 am #164590
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dany:

    I read all your recent posts. Here is my very short, condensed summary: you are 20 year old. You suffer from anxiety, depression and you have a very negative image of your body. You feel shame about your body, about your feelings, about … everything about yourself.

    My input/ suggestions: your relationship with yourself has to greatly improve. As it is, it is a very acrimonious, antagonistic, hateful relationship. It has to change as soon as possible, as in immediately.

    It cannot be fast or immediate, but an intent has to be formed immediately, an intent to improve your relationship with yourself, an intent to operate for your well-being and no longer against your well-being.

    It is not and will not be easy. Far from it. But it can be done. A long process, start it now. In a few months of ongoing work, following forming such intent, and you will feel better. In a few years, you will still be in your twenties, your early twenties, and you will be in such a better place that you will not … recognize your old self.

    You wrote that your father taught you that “emotions were for the weak minded” and that you believed him. Well, he was wrong. Look where this belief has led you.

    Respect your feelings, make friends with your feelings. You need them, there is much information in them.

    As you form the intent to operate for your well-being, there will be action to take, a bit of action at any one time, not too much too fast. Exercise will be one such action, part of the exercise will be such that will improve your posture, over time. Exercise will improve your body image, over time. So will healthful nutrition.

    I hope your therapy is quality therapy. How long did you attend therapy and what progress has been made, if any, in your mind and life?

    anita

     

     

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