I am a hypocrite.

I preach about acceptance and not judging based on appearances yet I do exactly that to myself. I judge and criticise myself about my appearance so much that I developed a mental disorder: Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Then, I act all self righteous as If I do not care about looks in general. I feel so ashamed about this discrepancy, but I can’t help feeling this way. Im scared that if I confess they will feel free to discuss my appearance and Im deeply afraid about what they might say. I don’t take criticism lightly and Im disappointed in myself because of it.

Then, I also am unable to accept my anxiety disorder, my BDD and my depression even if I avidly criticise the stigma around mental illness. Im always looking for a way out. For tips and cures in the internet and such. I feel guilty about that as if I don’t deserve to get better since Im always rejecting my issues and feeling ashamed of them. I kinda don’t want to get better (it’s a strange feeling). When I do find a technique to aid my anxiety, I get so obsessed and attached to it. I cling to it like crazy and try to do the technique all day every day without a second break. It’s too much but I can’t help it. I am super controlling and obsessive about it.