Hi Eliana,

Again, thank you for your soothing words.

I agree with you about forgiveness and resentment…resentment only result in me suffering, so I need to learn to let go.

Unfortunately, total avoidance is not a real option as I have to pass a large number of courses with them and our classrooms are too  small.

The thing is, with regards to the narcissist, I’ve already forgiven her and have even felt pity for her…although I’ve decided to keep as great a distance as possible.

However, with regards to the friend who this post is about…I’ve forgiven her for what she has said and done, but I don’t seem to be able to forgive myself. As I was hurt, I said things with regards to her and her behavior to the N, whom I previously thought of as trustworthy…among them are things that I’m not that much proud of. After the fight with the narcissist, she went to her and supposedly told her everything that I had said with regards to her.

It still scares me when I think about it. I already had trouble forgiving myself for having made some unkind remarks about her BEFORE the N’s betrayal.  After  witnessing the N taking her aside and whispering in her ear right in front of my own eyes, with me being able to do absolutely nothing at the time, the sense of guilt was doubled. It turned into a painful anguish when I texted the friend after that and she didn’t reply. I felt worthless, rejected and betrayed…a horrible person.

Now I don’t know what to do to let go of the sense of guilt. Sometimes I can bring myself to laugh at how stupid and childish the whole thing is…other times, I’m paralyzed with remorse, guilt and shame.

Mary